Strict Parents Raise Better Kids- What They Do Differently Than Other Parents
90
Reality
I am a sucker for reality TV shows and I will watch any of them at least once. If there was a job for reality critic, I'd be the woman. I am the biggest critic of these shows because I was a Psychology major and can spot flaws in any tactic, process, or social experiment. One reality show caught my eye, "World's Strictest Parents" airing on Country Music TV (CMTV). I've now watched several episodes and basically they take two random, troubled teens out of their own home and put them in the home of the "strict" parents to live for a week. At the end of the week, the teens seem to be completely different and go back to their own parents changed, more appreciative, and lose many of their bad habits (smoking, aggression, laziness, etc).
Characteristics of a Strict Parent
1. Family First- Behind every troubled teen is a broken family. Many are single parents, but just as many are families that may be together, but distant in every other way. Teens raised by strict parents do not go out with their friends during dinner time or during family activities. Having dinner together is expected, family game night, worship time for the religious, household chores (benefitting whole family), or other activities that include all family members is a must. Kids need a sense of belonging and to feel important so would you rather them get that from their friends/peers or from the parents/family?
Family first starts at an early age and can even be established in a broken home. It's a non-negotiable expectation. You must realize our kids get a free ride from us parents in many ways and expecting them to put family priorities before social engagements is not unrealistic.
2. No Abuse or Yelling- Strict parents rarely yell or lose their temper, they don't have to. If you don't want your child to yell or hit you (or others), you can't do it to them. Yelling is demanding rather than commanding respect. Strict parents show respect for their children, modeling respectful behavior. They talk to them and expect the same treatment in return.
Teens tend to shut out adults yelling at them, but one way strict parents get through is partaking in an activity with them that the teen enjoys (playing baseball or horseback riding for example). Showing interest in the teen gets their attention better than a yelling match. After the activity, the child is more open to hear what you have to say if you need to talk to them about something in particular.
Even better- tie in their favorite activity to a point you are trying to get across to them or set up a meeting with someone they admire or has a job that they want someday and have that person explain to them what it takes to make their dream come true. For example, In the reality show, a strict mom used a horseback riding analogy to tell the teen that horses don't always do as their told, aren't easy to control, and it would be easier to just quit and get off the horse; same as how her mom was probably feeling toward her sometimes.
3. It's ALL Your Business- Most teens nowadays have a life away from home and just as much privacy and seclusion at home too. The downside to giving teens too much privacy is they'll stay home forever- they get privacy, a warm comfortable rent-free or low rent place. Parents should always be in their kids' business, including snooping or random room and cell phone checks. Privacy is like currency- to be earned.
My mom was a single parent who worked two jobs and there were no cell phones at the time, but she was always in my business- she randomly called home and I better be there to pick up the phone or she would come home from work immediately...and she would. I never smoked, took drugs and waited until after my teen years to have sex- all the same expectations I have for my children so you better believe I will be in their business. Too many parents wait too long and are afraid to know about their kids' business. Teens are young adults, BUT their brain is still not mature enough to make clear decisions about eveything...so yes, they do need as much guidance as they do freedom.
4. Raising a Capable Adult- My husband's first daughter lived with us full-time when she was 8- she didn't know many of the basics for taking care of herself. This is an example of enabling your child, creating unnecessary challenges. Too much freedom can make a child helpless or hyper responsible.
Teens on the reality show were between 16 and 18 and didn't know how to do dishes, shovel dirt, or make themselves a meal. Not only does this create a lazy child or teen, but it contributes to low self-esteem and eventually an adult who can't appreciate accomplishing a task or don't even try. Low self-esteem is a snowball effect and leads to promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse.Not only should your teen be able to accomplish the small tasks, but they should also know how to weather the rough times and be resourceful as well.
5. House Rules- Every strict family on the TV show had "house rules" and there was no negotiating them. House rules start when your baby is born because they are standards the parents live by too. A short, distinct list of rules gives a child boundaries, such as No yelling, No smoking, No certain kind of clothing, No hitting, No swearing, No Lying,etc.
6. Love- Strict parents are not void of love. In fact they are heavy on showing their appreciation and feelings and giving random hugs and pats on the back. On the TV show the strict parents gave the troubled teens regular hugs, and the teens often stated they hadn't hugged their own parents in a long time.
Does it seem sometimes that we hear double for doing something wrong and hear nothing when we do something right? Parents forget to show love and compliments for their children doing something right. We get in an argue, nag, yelling momentum and never get out of the habit. In several studies it shows the most unhappy parents give the least compliments and positive feedback to their children while happier parents tend to have happier children.
7. Charity Work- Doing something for nothing teaches kids to appreciate what they have and create their own feelings of an intangible reward. It teaches them there are other people in the world besides themselves. By nature, teens are self-centered and as parents if we don't curb that trait they become selfish adults.
8. Keeping Busy- This doesn't mean racing from the track meet to dance class and pottery class to a point of exhaustion.Doing chores and things that will benefit the family, especially lighten mom's load help keep a child busy. Responsibilities for pets, yard work, cleaning the house, etc. These duties help the family as a unit and are not self driven or self-rewarded like taking many classes that only benefit the child. A balance of the two is optimal- something the child wants to do and something for the family.
9. Consequences- may be the most important factor. For every action, there is a consequence. Bad actions deserve bad consequences like cleaning out the garbage can or poop patrol in the yard. Good actions deserve good consequences like picking the movie, ice cream, going swimming.
The biggest mistake parents make is threatening a consequence and not following through or not matching the punishment to the crime. Grounding a kid for 2 weeks is worthless- it's way too long for even my attention span at age 35. Also grounding is too general a term- what exactly does it mean? Simple psychology states punishment is not as effective as reward, but if you use punishment then make it immediate and/or creative so it will be more memorable.
Being creative can pay off. The other night my daughter wouldn't pick up her blocks so I said she could go to sleep with them then. I put her blocks in her bed and it was no longer than a minute before she realized they weren't very comfortable in her bed so she quickly put them away.
10. Keep Talking- Not nagging, but talking. Explain to your children WHY they should behave a certain way and why there are rules. Don't waste your breath on telling them "How many times do I have to tell you..." or " you never...". Instead tell them if they act a certain way in the real world, they could be fired, evicted, or divorced. Don't nag them to include your issues and vent on them, but give them useful advice and pertain it to their life. Use analogies and stories that pertain to them. Lessons in story form are remembered easier. You never know when something you've said will impact them greatly.
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Triplet mom~ It's a good show. I expected the strict parents to be yelling or run a bootcamp style home, but quite the opposite and their own kids seem to have a lot of respect for them too.
Good Hub. Strict rules are important, especially for children. When kids are taught to respect elders, when they grow up, they would behave respectfully. Childhood is a learning period.
In any school, rules must be obeyed. Children in schools who wear uniforms are supposed to be better behaved than when they do no wear uniforms. I do not know the reason why.
It's probably a sign of respect for the uniform represents the school.
It does seem kids learn respect in an environment where they learn to respect their elders. That's where respect begins.
I didn't know that about schools with uniforms, but I believe it. I think you are correct in saying it represents respect for the school and education itself- high schools tend to become fashion shows and walking brand-name advertisements, which suggests some kids think they are better than others. Wearing a uniform is a standard, not to be negotiated and that's the way strict parents view other standards they enforce in their homes.
I hold the same viewpoint as you. I totally agree with everything that you said. Parents have to be active participants in their child's lives. There are so many parents these days that aren't willing to put in the time and effort that it requires to raise good well-adjusted children. Discipline, love, and structure are necessary for a child's development. Parent's allow their children to hold the belief that privacy, cell phones, time with friends, and other things of that nature are their "rights". Children walk around feeling a sense of entitlement. Parents are the cause of this. Teaching children that things like that have to be earned and that there are severe consequences for not following rules is a must. We are getting this downward spiral effect. We have children that were raised by poor parents growing up to parent themselves. They have no idea how to effectively raise a child because that have no example to follow. I am so happy to know that there are a few people in this world that still care enough about their children to do the work.
I have to agree ~Ihaugen~ about entitlement. Priveliges are not the same as rights. As adults we earn enititlement and rewards- it's not given to us the first day on the job. We have to build up our credit and earn the right to buy a home and car.
I think we place too much emphasis on our children growing up quick and being independent. Partly because both parents are working outside of home and partly because parents are selfish and want to have it all- have kids but have their freedom to do what they want too. It takes work and sacrifices. But now there are parents who want what they want when they want it and their children are a reflection of how well (financially speaking ) they're doing so they must outdo the other children's parents.
This is a fantastic hub - so glad I took some time out to browse. I feel like I've found a kindred spirit!!
Hello again. I am having fun reading your hubs tonight. I agree with what you have written. My children have been raised with most of your recommendations.
I agree that you should emulate behavior that you want your children to follow. The best compliment my son Josh, ever paid me, was when he was 14 years old. He said, "Mom, at least your punishments make sense." This from the child who tried my patience on a regular basis.
Excellent hub. Thank you for sharing.
I really love your hub. I am a mother 3 children ages 2,4, & 10. The 2 younger ones are really different from my oldest. I never had any problems out of my son (10yr old). The 2 younger children are girls and they are a handful. I used to be the yeller and even used to spank them. But I learned on my own that this was not the way to go.
After I learned that alot of the things that the girls do to act out is really just to get some of my time and attention. Once I started getting them out more with me, and spending more time they started to calm down and was more happy than whining and crying all the im.
I am still looking for ways to improve and your Hub has helped. Thanks!
Thanks christryon and theawwwbutmum! Christryon, what a great compliment from your son. I look back at my mom's punishments and they were very fair and fitting.
Playathome2~ Let me congratulate you on recognizing the spanking and yelling weren't effective- most people continue to do things that are ineffective and never think of changing.
You also reminded me of what works with my 2 yr old too- spending more quality time with her. I stay at home, but that doesn't mean my daughter always gets good time with me. Just because she's around me doesn't mean we are spending time together. It's a very good point.
Right on tips - Sounds like my folks, other than the fact that they were a bit clingy, but looking back, that was really not so bad. just a simple family dinner tome and game night has the potential to completely change the family dynamics. Great hub! thanks!
Great hub & info!
There are a lot more obstacles out their for our kids to overcome today than there were when I was a kid. Thanks for sharing!
I totally agree with this fantastic article. The world needs more strict parents. Parents nowadays are afraid to take responsibility as they want to be hip for their children. I believe that children need parents to be parents and not their friends. Children need consistent guidance and discipline. If more parents were strict and loving, many of society's problems would vanish. Thank you again for this wonderful article. God bless.
Wonderful Hub, izettl! Gave me great ideas and advice for whenever I start having children. Too many times, as frankly I experienced, too many children are either under-discplined or over-disciplined, and in both cases the children are completely neglected and ignored. They become:
1) Their parents' personal punching bag;
2) The best friend the parents never had;
3) A total status symbol or some piece of accessory;
4) A complete nuisance that they wait for to go away and disappear in time;
5) A great source of income, for either divorcing parents or greedy beneficiaries;
6) Or a complete tool for reincarnation of a life never lived or things never experienced.
What too many adults who are parents fail to realize is that children, from birth to death, are human beings too, and should be treated as such. Period. Besides, if you had 'em, then you should take care of them and raise them-the right way. Finally, the way I see it, children are a part of you because they come FROM you. If you destroy them, then you're destroying yourselves. Kill them, kill yourself. Love them, and love yourself. Simple
wordscribe~ you are SOOOOO right on many points. I think it stems from people having children for the wrong reasons. I didn't want kids for quite a while because I saw their bad behavior and never thought to myself that it could be from the parents. You see many parents give up and that's exactly what the kid does as well. People have kids because their friends are doing it or they want a buddy, etc. I finally said I think I can raise a respectable adult that could conrtibute and possibly balance out some of the bad out there and that's my mission with my daughter. That's my choice and my job.
THanks for your great comment!
izettl, Wow, what a great article! My husband and I have 1 little girl (6.5 years old), and I completely agree with all the points you've made here. In this day and age, I feels like my family and friends are mostly taking the "relax" route when it comes to parenting, my own Mom even told me I am too strict. Well so far my daughter is one of the happiest, independent and well behaved child I know of (maybe I am biased, can't be sure...) Recently I reminded my younger sister (who is having the most trouble with her 1.5 year old boy) that it is OK to stick to her guns and discipline, be consistent so he would start behaving, which would mean instead of wanting to escape, she would enjoy family time with her children again. Well the result of that conversation is we are no longer on speaking terms... Anyway I am glad to see someone out there takes parenting as seriously as my husband and I, Koodles!
cindy~ thanks for commenting. I think the word "strict" gets a bad rep so us parents who discipline and follow trhough with rewards and consequences are sometimes not popular. I also think manners have gone right out the window. Most parents aren't teaching manners either and that goes along with the "relaxed" parenting you are talking about. It takes more effort to be a strict parent but worth it to raise a good kid and grown-up someday. Sorry to hear about you and your sister. I am not on speaking terms with my sister-in-law due to the same thing. She says she is exhausted all the time and yet she has 3 kids (11-15) who have so many privileges and do no chores so I told her she should have them help out a lot more. She's now mad at me- same thing as your sister. Good luck and glad to know other parents out there who take this job seriously too.
I do not completely agree with you though I do not totally disagree with you. You may have been a lucky one whose 'strict parents' have been right. However I know people whose strict parents have made the life of children so miserable that they cannot differentiate between a jail and a home. I know a child whose childhood and innocence was lost because his mother was strict and she did not know how to differentiate a child from an adult.
It is not the strictness of the parents but rather how parents set the example is what determines a child's future. For example, if parents eat in front of TV and be strict and say all kids should sit at the table and eat, this strictness would not last and be superficial. The children will only follow in front of parents and commanded respected would last until the parent has command and once out of reach it will stop working.
Children should be behaved to differently at different ages. Small children should receive more love and care than older ones. Not all children are born alike. Some are born sweet and some tough as a nut. If strictness could have solved all problems, then all those who come out of the jail would have changed.
I agree some strictness should be there, but expecting strictness to make better kids always is like expecting one pill to cure everyone's problems. The psychology of different kids are different... so strict parents do not always necessarily raise better kids or the other way. There are several instances where kids brought up by the same parents under the same vigilance grow up to be extremely different.
In conclusion, some strictness and discipline is good, but what works for one may not work always for all.
free4india~ stricness doesn't mean like a jail.I means raising your child with boundaries, consequences AND rewards. I never had a curfew growing up becaue I never overstepped my boundaries. I wasn't afraid of my parents nor did they lock me in my room, they just trusted me and if I goofed then I would have consequences.
Yes, I totally agree that age appropriateness is essential. Great point. I know mothers right now that have unruly 5 year olds and they are just realizing they shouldstart disciplining- I want to say "no kidding". Mild discipline is appropriate starting at 2.
I believe I was naturally a compliant easy going child so my parents had it good. I happen to have a 3 yr old who is a high maintenance, active, oversensitive child- since she was so I know kids can vary. But i have used most of these tactics and I don't have any problems with her getting into cupboards, etc. On that note, you are right the most important thing is to set the example. I mentioned that in the hub about yelling. A parent can't yell and expect the child to not do the same- same goes for everything else. Set an example!
Thanks for stopping by and I love to read a great comment like yours.
Great article, at one time during my internship as a MFT I worked in psychiatric hospital locked unit back then. I worked with teenagers and we would hold family meeting once a week. The most disappointing part was that very few of the families would not show up. This broke my heart because that is exactly why these teenagers were there to begin with. Not having boundaries set for them or parents around to help them navigate through life.
thanks dawnM~ even kids out of the system that misbehave have parents that act like they don't care or have given up. It is sad.
Great hub. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for becoming a fan. I will rate up!
Thanks Granny's House. Glad I found your hubs too!
As more and more I go thru your old hubs, the more I find then useful to learn something solid from your own first hand experiences.
"Yelling is demanding rather than commanding resepect." Well this is the completely new thing I have heard and is good to learn before I myself become a parent. The spellings are wrong because I copied and pasted this sentence from your writing only. Mind it that it is an important phrase in terms of google keywords so you better not make mistakes (unless its being done on purpose) Yes, done on purpose to have on your page a few that are compelling 'pypos' sorry, I mean 'typos'. (Trust me, I did not type 'pypos' on purpose.)
This way for attracting keywords seekers is a mean but successful way. I had this spelling mistake once on my website and the next time I searched google with the same phrase (and the same mistake again) I found only my site in the search result). I was so happy before I fuinally, sorry...finally realized that it was a spelling mistake (or an added 'neighboring' keystroke)
boyjyoti~ Years ago I made money to proofread, etc, then I became a mom and had to choose between perfection or just writing because I love it. I don't get time to reread or correct mistakes anymore, but you already said that for me- you don't know what it's like to have to give up perfection because a lot of your time is spent raising a decent human being. Also with my arthritis it hurts to spend a lot of time on the computer but I still like to write and if you can overlook my "pypos" and get the message, then great.
Great hub and I don't mind your "pypos"... unlike many of the english teachers on the web I don't have the time nor drive to scan through all of the content searching for errors.
cbris52~ thanks for reading. I am busy raising a 3 yr old and have arthritis in my hands but I'm still trying to keep my writing hobby so I don't get the time I would like to reread my material for typos as thoroughly as I'd like to. I am a little more thorough about parenting. THanks for the comment.
I enjoyed this. It's funny, my grown kids still call me superman. They still think I have magic powers. It's funny, when they reminess on fond stories about growing up being my kid, it's not about the warm fuzzy times. It's about the discpline. I wasn't an a-hole, I don't think, but I did hold them accountable for their actions. They turned out pretty darn good with good hearts and brains.
TMWNP~ It's obvious you love your kids so much and I love it when you talk about them because it reminds me how important my job as a mother is and the impact we have on our kids. Now that I pay attention to parenting a lot more, I realize all the right things my parents did concerning discipline and decency. You are absolutely right about teaching accountability- "good hearts and brains". What a great compliment to your kids!
This a down to earth hub. Its very enriching giving so many easy to follow tips on parenting. I like it alot
coolhubs~ Thanks for the nice comment. I will be checking out your "cool hubs".
I'm 21 years old and still my Father punishes me by his metal belt and spank me. He yelled at me whenever he feels mad at me, He gives us curfew together with my sister and my sister is 24. I'm always not allowed to get out of my house. I have a chaperon when I was in College (like a baby sitter). I'm never had a boyfriend in my life, because my parents are so strict. I'm not allowed to wear dark makeup. I'm not allowed to wear daring clothes. I never interact with boys in my life. I think they are going to be strict to me until I reach my 30's age because I have observed that some of my cousins living abroad are guided by their parents and living with them. And my Father's sister's and brothers are neighbors since they have their own family together with my grandparents. My Father and his siblings are still getting some advices on how to treat us properly with their 88 years old mother. I mean come on? I'm living in a hell life. I'm not mad that they are doing this to me because of so many reasons to protect me from danger but this is too much really. My parents are so paranoid about dangers in life like being raped, being holdap, being kidnapped, and other accidents happening to other people now a days. I know they love me so much and they don't want me to fall into danger, but i'm not gonna stay with them forever. I'm growing up, I need space, I want to have freedom and I want to have a normal life like others have. I always know what's right and wrong, I don't go to a club late at night, I don't smoke, I don't even drink alcohol. I don't know why they could not trust me. I don't follow my friends if they are doing a bad example, I'm still the same person who always follows the right thing.
Because my father looks like he's going to kill me if he tried to punish me, I tried to shout and I know it's wrong but I want to limit his rules of treating me like a child. I always compare American culture to Asian culture, teenagers in USA have different treatment of parents to their children unlike here in the Philippines. Since I live here in the Philippines, I think I'm going to suffer in pain because of how my parents treat me. I know this is kind a violence to some other countries but it's normal here in our country. How I wish this will be over, I just think it's so unfair for us to be in this kind of situation because it also depends on our culture and the culture in America. That's why I'm so jealous to Taylor Momsen she can do whatever she wants to do at a young age.
anonymous~ yes, cultures are different between Phillipines and U.S. Sometimes I think U.S is too leniant with their kids and Asian cultures are too strict.
Ironically, your parents are trying to protect you fom danger and they are using both mental and physical abuse. You need protection from them.
I am not aware of how long you would typically stay with your parents in Phillipines. Hopefully you don't have to endure this life much longer and can enjoy safe independence soon. Hang in there.
This is good news, I try to be fair and firm not taking any bologna, as I feel kids need stability and knowing that a rules a rule keep the stability and energy flowing positive. Great article on why strict parents raise better children.
Katie M~ thanks for stopping by. "strict" seems to get such a bad reputation, but like you said, it's being fair and adhering to the rules. It's usually easier to bend a rule in the moment, but that just makes things harder in the long run. Thanks for the comment- you know I respect your work.
Strict I like. I grew up in a strict home and thought my parents were the worst I could have gotten. But now I truly appreciate their efforts because I am a better person for it.
xixi12~ Strict is good, it shows you care. It't true when the professionals say "kids crave rules and boundaries". It makes their world safer, predictable and stable. I'm sure your parents must love you and that's good you can appreciate their strictness now.
I raised 3 children alone and was strict with them. I used to call it tough love. It was not easy.I must have done something right because all three are responsible adults and have their own families and try and see each other as often as possible.You have done a nice job with this hub izettl , thanks
carrie450~ I can tell by what you write about them that you love them and that's why they call it tough love. THey seem to be great kids also by what I've read. Thanks for your comment carrie. Hope all is going well.
nice work....check out my hubpage at http://hubpages.com/hub/troubled-kids-parenting-ti and give your reviews.
mathan42~ thanks for the comment and I'll get over to see yours.
Greayt article! Exactly what I was looking for. I agree with everything you said, Its good to in a way see some rules for us as parents to follow in order to raise the respected children we want to. I had amazing parents growing up, but I will do some things differently. They yelled a lot... Not just to me, but at each other. So I struggle with that now as an adult. But at least I am aware. Also, I want to be much more involved in my kids life and "be in their business." I know what I did as a teenager and the only way to know my kids aren't doing that is by them proving it to me. I also want to have different consequences. I heard "grounded" a lot. Ok? Do you have creative ideas for "discipline"? I liked the blocks idea, perfect. Haha. What about a young child screaming in the restaurant? Or hitting little brother? Or just talking back? Thanks again!
Renee~ I still struggle with yelling in our household because my husband grew up with it. He only feels he has to yell when he's not being heard, but that's where creativity comes in. If you say the same things and sound like a robot every day kids will tune you out.
On creativity~ How young is the child screaming? Are they old enough to understand consequences? As parents, every action a child makes should have a consequence. As adults we know about this- every action has a price and pleasure. A young child must always be taken out of the restaurant when screaming, remain neutral to their screaming. My husband did something that worked with our little one. He would pat her mouth on and off quickly with his hand until it made a funny noise and this completely made her laugh and break the grumpy cycle. WHen kids are real young, we have to communicate in such a different way with them than older kids. Screaming and hitting are common in toddlers, but should immediately be corrected and punished with time-out when they are 2+. Young children can handle basic rules like no hitting or screaming- if they do then they can go in time-out. I will take my daughter to timeout in a restuarnt in a bathroom stall. She hates it and gets the point.
With talking back, have the child repeat their ugly words to themselves in the mirror. Let them see what they look like when they act ugly.
This is great! I'm bookmarking this one! Take care.
prairie princess~ Thanks for the nice comment!
all I know is being a child should not hurt. I am not going to have a kid. Kids don't ask to be born so that they have to obey us. Sorry, I will not make one more soul, hate living.
david~ in many ways i agree with you. People want to be parents for all the wrong reasons- usually their personal agenda. I waited to have my daughter until I was much older so that I can raise her with confidence that I now have as being a parent. I started looking at it this way- the world needs some decent people in it and I plan on raising one of them. Thanks for your comment David.
Awesome hub.Am in agreement with what the writer wrote because strict parents can never succumb to sparing the child and allowing the rod to rot instead the try as much as they can to treat the child fuck up with love.so as to get the child disciplined.
THanks for the comment Crystolite.
Okay I'm a teen who was bored and surfing the web on how to make my parents less strict and personally I find the first three as complete bullshit
Anon~ Ok you're a teen- enough said. This hub is written because hindsight is 20/20 and I WAS a teen, but now I'm a parent so I have insight into both sides of the spectrum. But that doesn't completely discredit your comment because you can have your opinion. Let's just take the first one (family time) and this one is actually mroe proven through studies than the other ones listed. It has been studied and shown kids eat better, have better relationships, and better in school when they simply have sit down dinner regularly with family. Why? Because it gets them in a regular environment where something can come up that they need to talk about, it gives them structure, and opporutnity for parent to pick up on any warning signs as well. There's many benefits to the first 3 that you think are b.s, but thanks for your comment.
Oh wow, I have so much to high five about this post. Agree agree agree.
thanks a lot for the wonderful comment mothercristina!
I am in eleventh grade and I have to write a paper advocating strict parenting, although I'm not really for it at this point in my life. I agree with most of your points except the one about house rules and the one about privacy. The only thing about the house rules is that they are, in my opinion, somewhat unnecessary. My thinking was that things such as no yelling, swearing, or hitting, are more general life rules, and if they were introduced as rules that only applied to the house would they necessarily be carried over to the outside world? This is just along the line of thought that they sound similar to other rules like no running in the house, which is okay to do outside and other places.
As far as privacy goes, this is just my personal opinion as a teenager. I do not think that parents should be snooping around in their kids business. I also do not think that they should feel the need to. If after 13 to 19 years of raising your child you don't feel like you can trust them, then I think there is a different problem. I also don't think that a teenager should be abstaining from bad behavior simply because they might get caught. This is just how I feel about it now, being a teenager myself. I mean no disrespect, I just wanted to share my views as someone who is currently being effected by parenting.
kikismith~ Thanks for sharing your point of view and it's a good one to have on here. Children learn at an early age- there are some things OK to do in some places and not everywhere, however it's a good practice to be in no matter where you are. For instance, I was a waitress for many years where cussing was not tolerated and I could lose my job. It was easiest for me to not cuss as a general rule in my life no matter where I was because if I cussed outside of work, then it was easy for it to slip out when talking to a customer. Rules are nice to keep across the board.
No parents should not be snooping around constantly, but random checks are good. This is the real world and at a place of business, companies will snoop to see what you've been doing on your computer and what sites you have visited, etc. That's life into adulthood. It's been shown in marriages that it is best if both spouses have access to the others' passwords for facebook, social sites, emails, etc. It's not a lack of trust, but if you don't like it then it may be a reason for lack of trust. Things like fb do cause a majority of cheating now so while many of us get caught up in the moment, it's nice to know that our spouse or parent could catch us and it gives us an added integrity check on ourselves. I trust my husband and parents trust their kids, but never 100%, we're only human and we would never say in either case, trusting you means leaving you alone. Realtionships of any kind don't work that way. We do it because we care. Just when a teen or chld tells their parents they don't need them anymore, is when they need them the most.
I was teen too and my mom was snoopy, but I never took drugs, had sex during my h.s years, or ever smoked, and I kept a job through h.s so she must have done something right.
Thank you for replying! My issue with the privacy is not so much not wanting my parents to find out about something (I don't do drugs, smoke, etc.either) but there are certain conversations such as those with my friends about problems they are having in their life that I would want to keep private. Things like family issues, stress in school, or depression. Not being a parent I don't know if there is a way to snoop and only see the things you were looking for and nothing else. Thank you for your examples.
For me, if I generally trust my kid, I don't need to go snooping very regularly. The most important time to snoop is when a parent suspects something. It's a fine balance between establishing respect between parent and teen. I have a 12 yr old step daughter and her biological mom never noticed that the girl had put that she was a few years older than she really was on her facebook page. I don't care to check her conversations- just who she is friends with and her stats like saying she's older than she is.
I think you are right about a parent just being snoopy because they are curious. A teen needs space, but only to snoop when we are concerned about their safety.
Bottom line- best times for parents to snoop is a random check once in a great while and only when they actually suspect something.
I feel the same way now that I have a clearer picture of what you mean by snooping, Thank you for taking the time write back.
kikismith~ I also know what you mean to be snoopy, just to do it without cause, like if a police officer searched you without cause- it feels unjust and it's not right. THanks for the comments and discussion.
Im so glad I stop by and gave my time to read this Hub, fantastic topic. I really got alot out it especially Number 2. really spoke to me, I consider myself a strict parent but do find myself yelling alot, which goes against my nature actually...so, yes I know I need to elminate this one, I have small kids, but its good to read about what I should be expecting in the future of my teen boys..God will be there to give me wisdon and strength. All the best to you izettl.
pearlmacb~ glad you got something from this. I have a small child too (and a 12 yr old step child), but i like to think of things in terms of the future. Would I punish my daughter for yelling at me- probably so it would be in my best interest not to yell at her as much as I can help it (sometimes it's hard I know). I think a lot of people think strict parents yell and are not loving, but it's so not true. Thank you so much reading. The best to you too and nice to meet you on hubpages- thanks for the fan mail.
I loved the blocks in the bed to get your point across, that is so creative and smart. I might just pass that advice on to some young parents I know. I have always thought that most times grounding often punishes the parents more than the kids, especially in situations where you make them stay home instead of being with their friends. My girl is all grown up now but gee your hub brought back the memories of just how crazy my sole parenting was lol.
Christine~ thanks for reading. I find when I get creative my daughter is so caught off guard by it that she ends up listening well. I got the idea of being more creative when I heard some advice about parents who yell. I rarely yell but I liked the advice and that was to whisper to your child every once in a while and they will come closer and pay attention to listen. However, I have no idea what I'll come up with when she gets older and becomes a teen- the balance of disciplining them and trying to give them some freedom seems tough.
Going by what I have read on your hubs (and by comments from others hubbers who have been reading your work for a while, like TheManWithNoPants) I think your creative self will come up with some beauties....you might consider writing a book or at least another hub about those unique parenting ideas..never heard of the whispering idea either but I like it.
Thanks Christine. I'm working on a book and possibly a website, etc. I do some business writing on the side, but nothing creative really. I am extremely thankful for my supporters on hubpages like you and Jim (themanwithnopants)- he's loyal to the bone and an interesting hubber for sure. I love what I have read of your hubs and you are probably better than your think or realize.
Common sense rules! I truly believe that so many parents are so worried about being their kid's friends and so don't do the hard work of actually "gasp" parenting. We have some good common ground! What people forget is that kids thrive with good structure-not too much but enough to provide safe boundaries for them to grow and become creative.
muzzmuse~ I really like how you put safe boundaries to let them grow and become creative- yes, that's the best way for them to thrive. THank you for stopping by.
Awesome hub - voted up. The pressure of setting the right example for kids! I agree 120% with your hub. Thanks.
HennieN~ thanks for your support and stopping by to comment.
Nice hub to read!
thanks minutecreature
Great hub, I wanted to print it off and put it on my wall!
Apryl Schwarz~ thank you so much.
Strict parenting is a great hub. We definitely have to set examples by being the change we wish to see in in our children. Treating children as adults with obvious exceptions is a geat start. We are giving them an example of how we would like to be treated. Awesome parenting advice. Love the hub post.
jeyaramd~ thanks for stopping by. Example is certainly the best way and teaching responsibility, but most parents think that's harsh. Thanks for the comment!
I am a step-parent and my husband and I have the same strict rules. It's the other parent who causes the confusing with the children about us being so strict. We do not allow kids to use bad words, smoke, drink or make fun of others. We all go to church and kids are active in many things in school as well. They are all teenagers so maybe you can give me some advice.
Great hub. I've watched the show and also saw how loving and capable most of the strict parents were. I think the name is a little misleading they are consistent livening parents. Sometimes strict has a negative tone to it. Thanks for the info
Kellyward~ you are so right!I was as surprised as you at how loving and involved the strict parents are- very misleading name. THanks for stopping by
Patience~ I struggle with this with my step-daughter and her mother being very leniant and wanting to be her friend while we are structured and involved. The step-parenting aspect is something I'm still trying to figure out, especially when the other parent doesn ot have same expectations and rules. Dealing with a parent who is not on the same page as you is like movnig forward 2 steps and moving back 3- very frustrating! I odn't know how often their with you but I can tell you when I was younger I was with my dad less time and my mom more- my mom was "stricter" and that's what I learned how to be like. Even if my dad let me do things my mom wouldn't, I still heard my mom's voice of reason so it really depends on the kids if they take the high road or the low road wherever they are at. That's all you hope for with teens anyway. At least they can depend on consistency at your house and anywhere else you just hope they take the high road- there are so many influences in their lives and at least they have a chance to see a structured way of life with you. That gives them the option to be that way too.
So glad I found this hub. Very insightful.
Bookmarked, UP!
Just came across this site on the internet. I was brought up the youngest of four children in the 60;s uk. We did have a fairly strict environment. I loved my parents unconditionally and would never have disrespected them. When I look back on my childhood it was happy any
I happened to pass your Hubpages and I'm very thankful 'coz I'm looking for a topic for my research, about the behaviour of the teenager.
Great advise, I would have to say i agree with most all of this I do alot of this, I don't make my teens play family games because they just don't want to and I don't feel forcing a kid of any age to do something fun that they really don't think is fun. I have good kids I could be more strict and wish I were more strict but it's hard. To be a strict parent you need to have an organized planned out life, dinner is never the same time at home for us my work ours are different and I'm single so its hard.
I don't agree with snooping through all of your teenagers things.... You should be treated with respect as a kid if you want them to respect you back. If my mom was going through all my things and my phone then what does that say about her? she doesn't trust me. I doubt any of you will agree with the lifestyle my parents raised me in. My parents both smoke pot and they both have college degrees, my dad makes over 750,000 a year and my mom is a stay-at-home mom. I also graduated college smoking on a regular basis and I just entered the workforce a few years ago and i'm already doing quite well.... I wasn't raised with a lot of rules or disciplines... but I got a lot of support from my parents and I'm generally a good hard working person... I did have to clean my room, etc... But I was allowed to drink soda, eat candy, stay up late, pretty much treated me like I was an adult since i was about 12-14. I've seen kids in very strict family households lash out and go way down the drug tunnel.... so being strict isn't always the best thing.... I think more-so the relationship you have is the most important. A lot of strict parents aren't really liked by their kids... You have to ask yourself... does your kid love you? love being around you? love talking to you??? if no, then maybe they will have some problems later on.... if you're too busy working all the time or have your head in a newspaper every evening then you're going to have problems.
This hub is very helpful. I have recently been expeiriencing some behavior problems with my children (they have been disrespectful, lazy, and acting as though they are automatically entiled to things) I have not been very strict or very consistent when it comes to handing out consequences. I think that by providing my children with clear expectations it has enabled them to think they do not need to do what is asked. I am definitely going to adjust my parenting techniques in order to teach my children to become the best people they can.
I agree with everything in this and I'm sure my mom would too (I'm seventeen). However, what my mom thinks she does and what she really does are two completely different stories. I'm usually the only one doing chores, and she makes the biggest mess. So I get irritated and do not want to do them. My chore is cleaning the kitchen, but not cleaning up after my mom, step-dad and little brother. So I really like the parts where it talks about family chores and love. My house needs more love, I deserve a "good job" or a "thank you" every so often. Anyways, thank you for writing this! It opens my eyes for future situations.
I enjoyed this hub. Particularly the part about raising capable adults. It's amazing how many kids these days truly aren't being prepared for adult lives. I agree with pretty much everything else you had to say, and wish more parents shared your views. Voted up, useful, and shared.
I agree with everything you say 100% except that I wouldn't call it strict, I call it having rules. Keep up the great work!
I have Read All Of Your Comments.. Maybe If You Are Talking About Kids Being Raised Before The Cellphone & Internet Era I Might Have Believed In These Comments.. All I Can Tell You Is.... (Sooner Or Later !!!!) They Will Be Influenced.. By Friends Or Cousins Or Family Members.. No Matter How Hard You Try.. No Matter Your Strict Rules..
Keep Them Away From Facebook, Twitter, Or Any Social Groups On The Internet. They Will Be Jealous And Envious Of Other Familys.. Other Than Your Own.. They Will See What Other Kids Are Getting Away With.... Spoiled And Special Treatment... If You Try To Spank Or Touch Your Kid Inapropriately... You Will Be Charged For Abuse.. Along With Childrens Aid Society.. Getting Involved..And Once They Have Reached The Age Of 16 Years Of Age Good Luck!!! They Can Legally Leave Home.. Without Your Consent.. You Might Think Im Crazy... But Im Seeing It Over And Over Again.. The Most Dangerous Age Is Between 14 TO 19. Grades 7 To 12... If Your Child Has Made It Past This Age Group... Your A Damn Good Parent...
I am 19. Is it bad that my parents tell me "that is not way I raised you." I am not bad teenager. I have been grounded before for a extent amount of time. I go to a communiy college and work. My parents are divorced both had different opinions how to raise me. I spent couple of weeks with my aunt and mema when I was like 12ish. I tried spending a summer with my mom, but it didn't work. My parents don't really help me on anything or support for that matter. My family joked about being on this show when younger, around 16 and 17. So I changed, brought my grades way up. I don't know what are problem is now and I want to fix it before I leave for a big school in the fall. My parents really didn't raise me, but they did. It was constant battle from my Mema's house, to dad's, to mom's, to whomever could take care of me, or control me at that time. I do have facebook, but I don't get on it. I don't copy people. I don't do drugs, or even drink acohol hardly. I don't socialize with my people. I don't talk at dinner table because my parents put my opinions down. I do the chores compared to two of my sisters, actually three and the oldest. I have two 18 yrs old and seven. I use to four 18 yrs, (same age). Could this contribute? I really want the life I had the past 2 and half years. I really want the support for school. I had to choose between my old job and babysitting (which they do not think is a job and my mom babysats a kid and thinks it job)or school. My family thinks I need a counselor but I can't afford it. So I go to friend and they get mad ( she fouryish and use to watch my younger sister). I feel like I am always being knocked and I don't want to flee away from my parents like my aunts have. Please help, I will take anything included cronstrucive critism. Thanks
Also, I have been going through pretty tough time. Between my high school closing down, my dream is gone ( no, supports me or lets voice my opininon about it.) Two of my sister have been hopitialized (fine now) and the day after my last day of school I lost my grandmother (whom, I found I am closer than I thought and my biggest fear is losing my grandpa that I had since I was (her husband and their both greats). So, I need adivice please!
Electronic Era~ I think the point is to be a hands=on parent. You sound like you've thrown your hands up and have a defeatest attitude. You can monitor your children and still teach them values no matter what. You rememebr when your parent's advice kicked in when you were in your late 20's and you're glad their voice was in your head about something- kids listen- they listen to body language too. It seems when they are teens that everything you taught them went right out the door, but that's a stage and what you taught them will come back into play in their life.
The strict aspect is for your kids' safety- monitor what they do closely SINCE IT IS THE EXLECTRONIC ERA. No, those things can't be avoided so you must know what your kid is doing.
Considering that a child is formed for life within their first 5-6 years of life, then you as the parent were their greates influencer so while it may seem they are not the child you raised, they are a teen. They still need guidance and it may seem like all your work was wasted but wait until they are older. It pays off.
As far "what the other kdis are doing"- do their parents care about them? No matter what it may seem like to you or your teen, discipline is a form of caring and your child will recognize this now or later. My parents taught me different was good...and it is everywhere you go nowadays. Only the different get noticed. Being different than other teens or their friends should be taught that it's OK. That should have been taught when they were young. Don't get them toys when they are children because their friends have them. That should be parented from early years.
And... they aren't teens forever. Teenage is just the time in which it seems like all your parenting was wasted. During teen years, monitor them within reason.
Also "Electronic Era"~ Kids will be kids and teens will be teens but you still parent them- you don't just expect them to fall prey and there's nothing a parent can do about that. Problem is parents treat teens as if they are still children, but each stage requires different parenting and teens require extra monitoring (of friends, computer activity, etc) and extra paying attention to for little clues that aren't spoken. They still need boundaries but more freedoms and to be taught work ethic and guidance for their future as an adult.
I think you misunderstand when I say strict parenting enables kids to not reach certain pre-desitined milestones. Because a parent is strict does not mean a teen isn't going to act like a teen.
I'm not sure if anyone else mentioned it but in your opinion do you really think the show has any true benefits other than tear jerking? To me it is the same deal as treating a drug problem in a sterile environment (in a WEEK!!). Once they go back to their home environment and the cues are their and the consequences go I would expect a 'relapse' into the antisocial behaviour and laugh up the whole experience
rob~ you could be right about the unruly teens going back to "normal" when they get back home. The point I'm trying to make though is that parents should be raising their children as the "strict" parents do from the start.
I do believe one aspect of the show and that is the kids and teens raised in the strict family are a lot different (better) than the teens from a family raised without strcit parents. It doesn't take a genius to figure out how different the two types of parents are just from watching the show, which I know that part highly correlates with real life.
ASHLEY~ its hard to give personal advice not really knowing you or youre entire situation so I try to steer clear of giving specific advice. But it seems you are going through a lot and its a lot for a young person to handle because you don't have all the coping strategies that adulthood lends in one's life. There is the old statement but still holds true...parents just don't understand. My mom thought I was doing drugs and smoking when I was a teen and I never did either. Stay true to yourself and fleeing I doubt will improve your situation. You know you are doing the best you can and thats really what matters...not what everyone else thinks. You will see that life has a lot of ups and downs and this will not probably be the worst of it- it only seems that way because it is probably the worst so far in your life. I wish you the best.
Thank you so much for posting. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and though my mom was the best I could ask for and my best friend I feel she could have been way harder on me. I think I turned out fine... Career, good job, no brushes with the law. But I have a streak of spoiledness in me that I'm trying to ixnay and don't want my kids to be that way. Thanks again!!!
Ashley~ its hard not to spoil kids. I was spoiled when I was a kid up until my parents divorced when I was 10 so then I was unspoiled pretty quickly as life changed for us...and a little less money. But I am thankful cause I have strong work ethic and saving money for those "tough times" rather than spending it.
Remeber you can't spoil a new baby, but discipline should start around age 2- this is when they act up the most anyway. I've never spanked my daughter (age 4) because we've had established rules and rewards for doing her chores and discipline is usually a time-out or something taken away and she has to earn it back. People see discipline as negative but it can be using rewards as well. That works great for little ones who want to please you.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy- I have a 3 month old now. And good luck with your baby.
Triplet Mom Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago
Great hub. I have not watched the show but agree completely about the effects of strict parents. My children are still relatively young but even when they were really little, people were amazed at how they acted in public. When we go out to dinner people constantly comment on their behavior and how good they are, I know I am doing something right. You have given me a couple of ideas to add as well, thank you.