Why Most of My Friends Are Guys

I don't speak 50 shades of pink and an open-toed sling back heel might as well be a horny toad swashbuckling tater tot for all I'm concerned.

I just got off the phone with a good friend- a woman who wants me to give her advice about the guy she is dating. This phone call lasted 2 hours and approximately 20 more minutes of texting in addition. Whew, I'm exhausted! It just confirmed what I've always known- I appreciate my guy friends so much and have found myself drifting further and further away from female friendships.

Simple vs. Insecure: Using the same example above, this particular friend and any of my other female friends, will easily spend hours on the phone. Had the dating subject come up in a conversation with one of my guy friends, it would last about 2 minutes. He would simply list all the problems with a girl he is dating and I would simply say, "Dump her" and he would say "yeah I probably will". Bye- and the conversation would end there. However, with a female friend it will go on and on for an indecisive eternity. Why? Because women tend to not respond well to blunt replies. I may say "tell him he needs to treat you better" and she will say "but, what if..." and it will keep going. Finally, I will suggest in the most sensitive, drawn out essay-style-accumulated-15-more-gray-hairs polite way she should not date him if he treats her poorly. I've heard women say they've been dumped because their boyfriend must not have like their new hairdo- once and for all, the world does not revolve around your hair.

It's not enough to give simple advice- simple doesn't cut it with women. They need to know what they should say and what they should wear when they say it. At this point I just start letting them answer their own dilemmas. If they ask me what they should wear, I ask them what they think they should wear and amazingly, they answer themselves, but as you can see, this is so pointless.

Independence Vs. A Bathroom Buddy: I learned how to go potty by myself when I was 2 so I never understood why I would begin needing someone else to go to the bathroom with me as an adult. OK I'm just being silly, we all know women go together to gossip. There is always a woman in another stall who will overhear your conversation and weigh in on it. Yep, getting weirder to me. Although I find it appropriate that gossip, which is basically crap, occurs in the crapper. Personally, I do my best thinking on the pot by myself. Call it what you will- divine intervention.

Guys fake it: Guys never let anyone know they have no idea what to do. I find this generalized trait interesting because I recently read a book on how to be a more optimistic and happier person overall. One suggestion was to fake it. Even if you don't feel happy, fake it. Even if you don't know, fake it.

Nothing personal: Women definitely take everything personally. I find myself spending so much time and energy trying to think of a non-threatening approach with my women friends. Instead of keeping track of my girlfriends birthdays, I keep track of their female "cycles" so I know which ones are likely to get pissed off. Just kidding, but not a bad idea.

Since becoming a mother, one would think mothers get together with other mothers to share tips and inspire each other. Yes it happens sometimes, but more often it becomes a competitive bragging session hidden with double meanings, personal jabs, and gossip galore. Somehow giving out your grandma's macaroni and cheese recipe get interpreted as you think they're a bad mother.

Guys simply tell you if you've offended them, which takes a lot to offend a gender that enjoys farting and belching contests. Women will find a way to hurt your dog's friend's feelings and everyone in between before they just tell you personally.

I hate shopping: I am tall and I order a lot of my clothes online. I can't just walk into a mall and try a bunch of clothes on that will fit me or change my style to match my mood, therefore I don't find the therapy in shopping the way many of my women friends do. Clothes are for wearing, not discussion or an answer to the meaning of life.

One of my girlfriends will try something on and ask me if it looks good. I know better than to say no, but why should I even have to say yes. Doesn't someone know if it looks good on them? Geesh- suddenly I'm transported to the judge's seats on American Idol. I want to be supportive and positive like Paula Abdul, but Simon Cowell chimes in my head to tell the truth.

Through Thick and Thin: Another thing I've notice is my girl friends seem to disappear when they get a boyfriend. Actually, some of my long-time girl friends lost touch with me after getting married and starting families. They're all too busy now, but my guy friends who started families long before I did, still find time to keep in touch. In general, I find guys to be more sentimental with their friends like the attachment to their dog or lucky pair of underwear. If I get to keep in touch with some of my best buddies from my childhood, I don't mind being in the same category as old underpants.

But...Why I still love my women friends:

• Only a woman truly understands a woman. Some things you just cant discuss with a guy because despite the open attitude about farting and belching there ARE things about women that make them squeamish.
• When times are really tough, women are the best nurturers and don't give you the deer in headlights look guys do when they see you cry.
• We can complain to each other without fear of being a "nag".
• We can giggle about our inside jokes and sympathize with all the female quirks about each other.