Second (Place) Marriages/ Step Families
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Responsibility
It's pretty much common knowledge that Americans divorce rate is 50%. When you get married the first time, you are taking a 50/50 chance that all your effort, and usually a large portion of time in your life will be for nothing. For a gambler and most anyone else, these are OK odds. Hell, it's better than nothing because in any situation with those chances the outcome could be wonderfully rewarding and worth taking the chance.
For second marriages, the statistics are a bit more gloomy. At least 70% of those marriages fail. In fact, they are more likely to fail if they involve step-children. There has to be something to this statistic amd not just because step mothers are evil- get your head out of the fairy tales.
I wouldn't be writing about this if I didn't know at least have some experience too. I'm in a second marriage, but not my second marriage- it is my husband's second. According to statistics, we're still likely to fail. I have recently given a lot of thought about why a second marriage is nearly doomed. One answer is there are more things and interferences to disagree and argue about. Priotities in life are hard enough to figure out if you're single, let alone in a second marriage.
Responsibility to a first marriage continues even after the marriage is dissolved. What is frustrating in the second marriage is the question about how the priority of responsibilities should be assigned. Does it lie with the first family or the second? These are real choices that have to made sometimes- dad can't be everywhere all the time. Eventually things will collide. Which children do you put first if you have to? Reality is second families often come in second and a big part of why they are more likely to fail.
Besides basic counseling after divorce, nobody teaches a divorced person how to transition into another marriage and family or how to deal with balancing the two. The first family doesn't just go away. At the risk of sounding selfish, I honestly wish it would sometimes because the priotities never coexist, they always collide somehow. I'm brutally honest about the toughest things in life so don't hate me for it. In my situation of never being married, I was not prepared for taking second. My husband and family are first so of course it is natural to expect this.
I've never had to compete for a man before, but I often feel like I'm competing for importance between the ex wife and their child together. He seems to be their representative and voice in all our arguments, whereas I am the rep for myself and our daughter. It seems he is almost more responsible for them than his current family. Reason is for fear of being labeled dead beat dad or irresponsible dad.
Many women leave a marriage with majority of responsibility for the kids so this leaves dad in limbo- not knowing where his responsibility is. Sometimes my husband has to drop everything, including us (his current family) to tend to a crisis situation with his first family. Is this responsible and the right thing to do? Yes and no. Sometimes it's during a crisis with our current family. As in most life's situation's, the boundaries are not clear. And how much of the first family do you have to sacrifice to make the second marriage work?
FINANCES: Many first marriages suffer because of financial arguments, but in second marriages there are usually additional financial obligations to the first family, such as child support, alimony, etc that take away from the second family's income. My husband and I have a child together, but he also has a child from his first marriage and he pays child support, additional money towards custody amendments, and flying his daughter out to visit. This is only one example, but several other examples include giving grown children from the first marriage money or the ex spouse to keep up their way of life.
COMPLICATIONS/CONFUSION
What ever happened to the old fashioned nuclear family? It's common place to have one family from your twenties, one from your thirties, and well into your 40's. Now there are numerous extra family members; step parents, step grandparents, various aunts and uncles, step siblings- I'm going to stop there before I get dizzy! A second and/or subsequent marriages and family walk into this mess and as statistics show, walk right out. Who can blame them? More family members can equal more trouble- bottom line.
There are dynamics in place as well as loyalty and history among relatives from the first families that haven't been established yet in the second family. There are "your" children and "our" children, and various feelings coming from everyone. Grandparents of the first families still have loyalty to first family grandchildren as well. Time and efforts taken to deal with the loose ends from the first marriage take away from the family life and establishment of the second family. Most families are incredibly busy just with the daily grind so add in additional time taken away from them and it can spell trouble. That leaves less time for second family overall. Make no mistake that somehow things get stirred up in the first family when one or both ex spouses gets remarried. It seems that the first family suddenly requires more attention, money, etc from the remarried spouse. For instance, in my situation, my husband and I saved up for many years to finally buy our first house at almost 40 yrs old. Now that the ex knows we are buying a house, suddnly she thinks we're rich. Again, where are the boundaries?
As the number of relationships increase in one's life, complications arise. People tend to ride through their first marriage with a feeling of 'if it works, it works and if it doesn't, it doesn't'. It's not until the second marriage comes around that they discover it takes work, but by then they are learning they have to work on first family obligations. It's also in the second marriage they figure out they are still tied to their first marriage because those relationships need to be maintained.
Some things to think about before or while being in a second marriage are:
The statistics. Why are they stacked against second marriages? Lessons not learned, etc. There is a common factor that majority of our population is having troubles with in a second marriage and yet they are more prevalent than ever.
Boundaries. Are there some in place already? What needs to be changed when one remarries? Can you communicate about boundaries? I know a woman who can't hold a steady boyfriend because they get frustrated that her ex (father of her two children) stops by to see their kids unannounced. That is an example of very poor boundaries.
Special needs. I was once told by a marriage counselor that a second or subsequent marriage is to be treated as a special needs relationship; extra communication, nurturing, etc. Also, step children will fall into the special/high needs category too. Dealing with divorce and feeling replaced by a new family brings up a lot more issues.
Suggested Reading
- Marriage Contracts, Ultimatums, and Divorce
How would you feel about a contract arranged after you were married? It doesn't seem to make much sense. You dated the person, got to know them, talked about the important stuff, agreed or compromised (right?), then got married. So why is a post
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other than financial responsibilities from first families, are there any other instances where first families come first and are there any instances in which second families come first? How does someone make a second marriage work if it comes second all the time?
The women you know who are waiting for first family chlidren to reach adulthood will be disappointed because nowadays children aren't reaching full financial independence, or any maturity, until 30ish.Parents still support adult children. My mom is is a second marriage with a man who has 5 children and their #1 argument is how they can support or give money to which 'children', who are all over 30.
Some scary facts... Hope I don't have to get into all these troubles someday.
I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through the troubles that occur in these situations. Statistics say these troubles are inevitable too- that is scary!
Money is only one of many worries. Huge problems arise when your husband can't say no to his exwife and daughter.
kelly~ I agree! I think men feel as if they'll be labeled dead beat dad for saying no to their exes,
My ex (we were not married) went on to family #3 and I believe #3 probably got the best of it. #1 ex and son lived in another country and he came to the US after the divorce. #2 was me, and he never saw, acknowledged or supported my son although he certainly knew I was pregnant. In fact, I did not know where he was and could not find him until too late. #3 had a son from her 1st marriage and they have a daughter together. I believe these are the only 2 children he supported. But not anymore.. he died... He has an adult son, an 18-year-old stepson, a 15-year-old son, and a 12-year-old daughter. Now if I had found him before he died, and he had to pay child support I am sure that would have made it difficult for family #3. I wouldn't want to take food out of other children's mouths.. I would have been happy with a small amount a month. More important would have been that they meet. But bankruptcy? They went bankrupt all by themselves even though he never contributed a dime to my son. Because they were trying to live a lifestyle they could not afford. Bankruptcy files are public for 10 years, that is how I know.
Shannon~ perfect example of how step families don't work well. It all becomes a mess.
I am intrigued by your cynicism... :) And curious about the thirty percent of those that do work... good topic, interesting position you take, I like that our views are different :)
Thank you so much for posting this! I am in the exact situation as you. I have never been married before but my husband has and has 2 children from that marriage. It is so tough and sometimes i feel like giving up but we have to encourage each other to keep going! Thank you for sharing! It is refreshing to know that i'm not the only one who struggles with this.
sureye~ I am determined to make things work and so is my husband. It's just with his first family and even his immediate family, they both think they take presadence. It's really important the man (if that's the case) defend hi current family and place them at the top too. That's where a lot of men get hung up.
Thanks for sharing yoru experience too.
Second wives frequently try to make themselves a priority over existing children are often the reason men become permanently absent from their first families, emotionally, geographically and financially.
Not for nothing all those stories about wicked stepmothers .... I know my Dad's wife and my xhild's father's wife certainly fit into that category .... but then again that's how women are socialised, to compete for resources, ie., men. Classic divide and rule strategy!
Personally, I would never get involved with a man who has children. Shame more women don't feel the same .... sure would be a lot less kids growing up without their fathers around the world !!
lala~ That's funny, but never say never. I said I would never get involved with a man who has children too, but my husband and I were dating for a while when he told me of his first child with his ex wife. He said she lived in Nebraska and he visited her once a year out there. I saw no harm in that. What can an ex and first child do to us halfway across the U.S form us? Well, plenty. She kicked him out and cheated on him so he didn't have much choice about leaving his first child. There are many women nowadays who have several children with all different dads- now that's the real issue.
We don't necessarily pick who we love either. if you fell in love with a man, you would tell him goodbye because he has a kid? Easier said than done.
I think that no, the husband should not put his current family 'at the top' and forget about his children from previous marriages. That would be extremely selfish and of course, the stepmother doesn't care because they are not her children. Child support is something CRUCIAL and it should be enforced. So, you have to SUCK UP TO it and accept the fact that his children were there FIRST and he is obliged to care for them no matter what. If you don't like it LEAVE.
And the question "which children do you put first if you have to?" is one of the most ridiculous and stupid questions that you could have asked. How could you pose such a question? Seriously? You expect your husband to answer to that? Parents have to love their children equally even if one of them lives on the other side of the U. N. And his first daughter is not to blame about this....have you ever thought about it? Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe....just maybe....his other daughter is suffering just as much as you are if not more? Geesh......no wonder second marriages fail if there are women like you who expect their husbands to choose between their own children.....(By the way, I'm brutally honest too when it comes to tough situations)
Someone~ just in this economy alone, it is hard to earn for two families- it's not an excuse, but yet a hard reality. I'm not by any means saying a man should skip out on child support, but the extra costs. Actually there are people trying to get a law passed that would ge them out of child support, stating a woman has a choice whether to have a baby or not, but the man doesn't. I don't know how I feel about this, but I have known women who try to get pregnant without the man knowing and take advantage of him.
So your suggestion is to "just leave" yet wouldn't that be another family he'd have to support especially if he started over with another one.
Let's take my circumstance for instance- my husband's older daughter has beat up her mom and is violent- actually stated in a foster care home that she can not be put with young children, but of course my husband still wants a relationship with her and I believe it is a choice between the welfare of my 3 yr old and his older daughter. These choices aren't pretty but to say they don't exist and condemn me for exposing it, you're not living in reality. Tell me you would choose to have someone known violent in the home with your 3 yr old. What's your choice?
listen to me......hear my experience as a child of a first marriage (yeah, i am who i am): My problems are way worse than yours......First came the divorce, I was destructed, I didn't know what to do, feelings such as fear, HATRED and other ensued....IT WAS HELL.....then came court, days that didn't seem to end, then came the REMARRIAGE and the JEALOUSY, it controlled my life, jealousy was all I could feel, resentment for my half sibling who got to see her dad everyday whilst I could only see him once a month....questions such as: WHY DO I COME SECOND WHEN I WAS BORN FIRST?.........WHY Do i have to suffer when it's not my fault?.....And you know ? My dad did not pay child support, he definitely put his second marriage first AND YOU KNOW WHAT, PAL? HIS SECOND MARRIAGE FAILED ALL THE SAME...so before blabbing(sorry for being harsh but i'm still hurting over this)....you shoul get your facts straight........comments such as 'I wish the first family would go away' are selfish and to tell you the truth they pis*** the hell out of me and other children of first marriages who are my friends.....so yeah i think i'm living in reality, it's just that i'm on a different wavelength than you are....
someone~ we're definitely in two different positions. I understand some of your position- being a child of divorce- my mom remarried, no other kids and my dad never remarried.
I'm sure your story has much more details than what you say and so does mine. My husband's first daughter stayed with us for a great deal of time- I took care of her, being a mommy figure, but I can't force the feeling of being her mom- I am not. She had some issues with being violent in shcool and she stated she wanted to go back with her mom so after spending thousands of dollars to try and get custody of her, we forfeited her to her mom. Her mom left my husband for another man when their daughter was 6 months old so my husband didn't have a choice- he'd fly several states out to see her and mom wouldn't let him. She cut off all contact until she became too ill with her bi-polar. Now that the daughter is acting up (and 13) and mom can't control her, she wants to push everything on us. Now I have a little one that I feel like a mother bear about- I see it one way; take the first daughter in and endanger my own child OR protect my child any way I can. I never said this decision was easy and nobody can prepare someone for this- that's why I wish it would go away sometimes.
Now I don't suppose you've done anything to endanger the second family and your dad should be paying child support- I would never condone otherwise. There are consequences to his first daughter's actions right? If she is violent, she can't be around my 3 yr old. I believe this is fair and if you were a mom you'd protect your little one- in this situation there is no way I could reason to put the first child before my own child.
I understand your position but i have felt anger and hatred like I had never thought I could feel. Only God stopped me from turning into a monster.......I am young but I feel like an eighty year old and though I did not hurt someone physically I have done things which I am not proud of. It's the selfishness of human beings that can cause so much pain on others. It's something that distinguishes us from other species. And the things I did, the emotional pain I inflicted on others was nothing but my reaction to somebody's selfish actions. So maybe you're justified in wanting the first family to go away but you do have to understand that something must have triggered the violent actions on the daughter's part. Is it her fault? Is it her parents' fault? Of course you don't care and you have a right to do so but though you have the right to keep her away from your daughter, you cannot keep her away from her father because you have no right to increase the pain she must be going through. I was lucky because i found persons who could help me but that's the only difference between me and your husband's other daughter...I was lucky whilst she was not.........
And stepmothers, can, in fact be stepmonsters. I had the honour of meeting one. She couldn't accept the fact that I am her husband's daughter and she obviously didn't give a damn about me. All I can say is that the feeling was mutual and I was overjoyed when I heard that her marriage with my father failed. It's mean but it's the truth. I was also happy that my half-sibling would now suffer just as I had suffered. Again, it's mean but it's the truth.... (now I'm working towards building a relationship with my half-sibling....so.....).......
And now here I am, 17 going on 83..... hoping that my future will be better than my past, and determined to make the most of my life.
I LOVE THIS! My husband and I are both on our second marriage. We both have two children from before and one shared. The first year alone took a while to get our "footing" as co-step parents, new divorcees and trying to build a relationship. You really hit on some awesome key points here! Learning to let go and move on together is what helped my husband and myself. Every relationship requires something special just like the people that are involved in it. It took about 2 years for my husband and I to find where we completely mesh, and although it's not always perfect, it is the right balance for us. Great Post! Thanks!
It all depends on people's personality, attitude and character. Many people are monsters unfortunately, and the thing is that on the outside they act nice and have loads of friends.....it's when you get to know them better that you realize that almost flat black persons do exist. Quoting Lady Macbeth 'look like th'innocent flower but be the serpent under't'.................. so yeah it would have been nice if my stepmother had learned how to be a 'step parent'instead of being a selfish, stuck-up ***** (begins with a 'b' and ends with 'itch')that didn't give a rat's *** (begins with an 'a' and ends with 'ss') about her husband's elder daughter). Cheers lol.
someone~ we all have things we can choose to be angry over and they can steer our life path, but we need to realize they have life consequences for us. I am sure that this will have to be a choice for my husband's daughter. Our parents, and others do things that can mess us up, but it's still our choice.
I would have felt better if my husband had raised his daughter for at least part of her life, but he never really knew her. Her mom kept him from her and only wanted money. We pay for plane tickets only for her mom to not put her on a plane and he flies out there only for mom to not let him see her. She lived with us for over a year when her mom was in a mental hospital. I read all the books about how to be a good step parent, I comforted her because my husband is not nurturing type, I helped her with school work, then she ended up with her mom again and now I only hear the stories and read police reports about what she is doing. Now I have my little one to protect. If that makes me a better mom than step-mom, well that's the priority I choose. I am sorry for all she has had to endure, but that was between her parents.
We are definitely viewing this from different perspectives and you'll learn someday that you may have done the same thing. You'd be surprised. Life is funny that way. I thought at your age that what was happening to me was the worst thing ever, but boy was I wrong. Life had much more in store for me. After my parents divorce, I learned what selfish parents were like- my mom only wanted to find another man and my dad ended being a transsexual who spent all his time and money on surgeries and clothes. Teens tend to view parents as selfish because teens are naturally selfish themselves- it's a teen trait. Someday you'll learn to see things from others perspectives and why people do what they do. You'll also learn to forgive.
The best you can do is do the best you can do with what you have been given. This won't be the worst of it my dear, but there will be better too.
mamadrama~ If you have found some kind of balance, you are certainly on the right path. It takes a lot more effort with 'his' and 'hers' and various schedules and working with 'ex' family members. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.
izettl- If selfishness is a 'teen trait' as you call it and all adults are totally selfless as you seem to imply, then either you're wrong, or my father is still a teen. I personally think it's the former. And by the way I forgot to mention that I, together with other 'selfish' teens my own age, decided to go abroad and help children in need last year during the summer holidays. And these children in need cried when it was time for the 'selfish' teens to leave because they had become attached to us. So....I wonder....
And I've tried to put myself in my father's perspective but somehow I cannot justify the fact that he put my half sibling first and neglected me. And even my aunt who's not 17 but 40 cannot justify his actions. Perhaps one day, when I will grow up, I may begin to understand him better and hell, I might even end up like him one day! In that case, I'd rather remain a selfish teen, thanks!
And whilst I understand YOUR position of putting your daughter first, I think that you cannot force this position on you husband because as I have already mentioned, I see no reason why HE should put your daughter first. I am sorry but this is reality and if you deny it, then 'you're not living in reality'. A good father treats his children equally and is there for ALL of them. I am sorry, this may sound harsh but the fact that she's your daughter is not a good enough reason for her to be put first by your husband. And if your husband puts your daughter first he will regret it, just like my father did. But now it's too late for my father. So whilst he should keep his 13 year old away not only from your daughter but from other children for now, he should still be there for her, as well as for his three-year old daughter. That's reality and the first family will never and SHOULD NEVER go away because it is still important. The husband divorced his wife not his elder daughter.......
But I admire you for trying to be a good mum and for having tried to be a good stepmother. My stepmothermonster surely didn't read any books on how to be a good stepparent....I think the only books she read were 'cindirella' and 'snow white and the seven dwarves'......and she must have put the evil stepmothers as her role models. It took my 'enlightened', 'selfless', adult father 7 years to notice that which his teen 'selfish' daughter noticed after only a week.
Someone~ yes, adults can be selfish, espceially after divorce and in the 'mid-life crisis' around 40ish. Adults don't get a free pass either, but don't imply that because adults have to make tough choices that we are selfish because we don't choose the ones that best suit you or that you would choose. You have to get a few perspectives at once going on here and the difference is I have been 17 before but you have not been 36, as I am now. You literally haven't been an adult yet and you will detest your parents for certain things through your 20's then by your 30's you will realize why they did some of the things they did, you may or may not forgive, whatever. For my husband's daughter to be jealous of more time spent with our child, well, our child is 3 and requires more time, whereas teen is getting ready to be an adult on their own- much more independence required there. A 3 yr old needs their parents more than a teen. I've also already stated that it is impossible for a parent or anyone to everywhere at once. Adults are faced with tough choices and life isn't fair. It seems what you're screaming at me is everything should be equal and fair- that's an adult lesson you'll learn. And that is why adults make some big goofs. You can't get through life without them. All you can do is not make those same mistakes when you get older, but mark my words, you'll still make goofs that your kids, when older, will gripe to you about. It's the circle of life.
That is great doing things for others, and I think it's important nd sort of a therapy for you. If you've been hurt there is nothing better than helping others. I do want to add, helping others is also a selfish move. People do it to make themselves feel better and because they feel good when they do it. You'll get older and make many tough decisions and your heart will get softer. never judge unless you've been put in that position. You can not imagine that as hard as a woman tries it is difficult to treat a step child like your own if you have your own. It's the truth- it's ugly, but true. You'll never know this unless you've been there. I've just learned that I can nver judge unless I've been in that position and did better.
I do think teens are very perceptive. My mom had a jerk boyfriend one time and I told her- she never listened to me and after a year she found out he was cheating all that time. So I believe that absolutely you picked up on your step mom not being a good person.
Izettl……….again I strongly disagree. First of all, there are goofs and there are GOOFS, if you get what I mean. Making small mistakes is one thing, screwing everything up from top to bottom is another thing. Sorry but I found no better way to put it.
And I find it ironic that you’re telling me that I do not have the right to ‘judge’ my father for putting me second in EVERYTHING when you are doing exactly the same thing. You seem to contradict your own philosophy in your hub or whatever you call it.
Who wrote a whole article about how fed up she is that she comes second and that second marriages come second in everything? Perhaps when she grows up, you can tell your daughter the same thing you told me and make her understand the ‘tough choices her father made and will understand that her father is not selfish for not choosing the choice that best suited her or that she would choose’ (quoting you). Is that what you are going to tell your daughter if her father decides to put her second in everything?
On the face of it, you and I seem very different but I think that actually, we are quite similar. We are both fed up of being second the entire time.
And no, I did not help those children in order to feel better. I read to feel better, I watch movies to feel better, I play the flute to feel better but I do not help others to feel better. It did make me feel better to help those children but I made others feel better too….. and that was my intention. So my father is not selfish for neglecting and sacrificing me but I am selfish for helping people in need. Yeah, sure, whatever…..
To sum it all up, I think that your argument is, well, flawed (understatement). Because you’re saying that it’s ok for a father to put the child of his first marriage second, because poor daddy has to make some tough choices and it’s natural for poor daddy to make goofs and when I grow up I will understand poor daddy who cannot be everywhere at the same time….but it’s definitely not ok for a father to put the child of his second marriage second because…um…..um……wait a sec…..um…….um…….um……..because of a reason still obscure to me. Now that is an argument that is perfectly unbiased, logical and full of sense (Sarcasm).
someone~ I think we have to agree to disagree. You haven't lived long enough to make big goofs- so you can talk the talk right now.
Your father put you second and that's not exactly right from what I know about your story. However, I do not put my child second at all so how do I contradict myself? I would never treat my own child like my husband's daughter's mother treats her. I do put my step daughter second because I am a parent first to my own child- if I have to choose, like I sometimes do now, I have to choose my own. Those are those tough choices I told you about that adults face and you have no idea why they do the things they do until you are older. Like I said before, I've been 17 but you haven't even been an adult yet.
My own daughter does come second in things, my husband goes to work rather than spends time with her. I have to choose work over her sometimes too. We have to juggle life and choices all the time as an adult. Believe me, my daughter comes second and third depending on what is going on in our lives. She will know what it is like to be second when she has a baby around soon. You see, I am guessing you are older than your step sibling(s)- younger children tend to take up more time and effort than older- this is a hard lesson I suspect you are learning and don't want to let go of your adolescence. It's a good lesson because many people in the world don't care who you are and hiearchy (first and second places) aren't going to mean a thing.
We all do things for selfish reasons. So you can judge your father because you are totally void of all selfishness. I have not met one human being, perhaps a monk somewhere, that is not selfish in at least a few ways.
In my paritcular situation, I come second sometimes to the ex wife- everything is based on her schedule, her demands, etc. I feel extremely sorry for their daughter who has been along for the ride with her mom. Wish the courts would have let us have her long ago, but we ran out of money to fight it and now their daughter has behavior issues which I can't subject my daughter to. My husband wants to see her so she is coming to visit and I have to be on guard and worry about myself and my daughter when I am alone with her all day for a month. This is where I think my daughter's safety and even mine is compromised and takes second place to my husband's daughter.
I'm not saying its ok to put a first child second. I'm saying there is no good boundaries or any sort of counseling or groups that help dads figure out how to balance both. There is nothing in place to help them make these choices. I stated that in my hub so you don't agree with that? Also, there is a reason why second families have a higher failure rate than first (50% vs 75%)- what is your suggestion if it isn't because they are put second? I hope you do not think that you always come first because you were first. A first family deals with this when multiple children come along and they have siblings- do you have any siblings other than step- maybe you're just dealing with what many kids have to deal with when their younger brother of sister are born. You would come second regardless.
Tough choices out there- what would you do if you were my husband and you wanted to see your first daughter but have to put your little one and wife in a bit of danger to see her? What would you do if your first daugher comes to visit with permission of mom, but her mom plays a trick on you and puts you in jail saying she didn't didn't give permission? THis happened to my husband- he was in jail for the day until we could get our lawyer to straighten it out. In this case, my dear, the mom is a she-devil and me, the step mom is an angel comapred to her. But what od I know, you're a teen and you know everything right now. Get ready for that big wake-up call later.
The reason why second families should take a bit more priority is because that is his current family- in my husband's case, he didn't divorce his ex- he wanted to make it work so that was her choice she made for her and her daughter. The beauty is someday you'll be an adult and your parents decisions won't effect you so much, but when you're a kid, that's life. If he doesn't put some priority in us then we wil fail too and the only thing worse than one failed family is two or more. There's your reason. It is like you are saying that the first family is always his family and then what does the second family mean? What are they? If your mom remarried and you had a new dad that only had you and you got all the attention then would you put much pressure for attention from your first dad? Doubt it so could this be an attention thing. Choices come up- let's say his new child is in the hospital and broke her leg and it is on theday of your big h.s graduation- tough choice, but this is what adults face all the time. You'll eat your words someday and have a softer heart toward your parents.
You're telling me that I'll eat my words someday and I'm telling you that I won't eat JACK SQUAT. First of all, no, I'm not an only child . I have two other full siblings and i'm the eldest so....again... you're WRONG...my half-siblings are twins and a bit younger than me and they realize what their father has done. I did not wish to involve them in this argument but you've left me no other choice....and no I don't think that you quite understand me when I say 'second'. When I say 'second', it means not paying child support, not visiting my half-sibling when she was in hospital, not visiting us, not giving a damn, that's what I mean, not some stupid thing like going to work instead of being with us or things like that......did you think that it was actually an attention issue? God, my lord......I feel like swearing at you right now.....(sorry, I'm not going to swear promise lol)
And if you had two daughters, would you choose one of them over the other ALL THE TIME, WHAteVER HAPPENS? So that's why you can't expect your husband to put your daughter first all the time and SPEND A WHOLE FRIKKIN HUB WHINING about it because just as you love your daughter a lot, HE loves BOTH HIS DAUGHTERs equally and a lot. Right now, his first daughter has issues and needs him and he has to put her first.....so that's were the contradiction lies......you're telling me to understand my father's choice (I won't understand JACK SQAUT by the way), when all you do is complain about your husband's choice of giving attention to his elder daughter.
And yes i am selfish, because when my dad came begging for forgiveness one year ago, and he told me that he would do ANYTHING, ANYTHING to earn my forgiveness, I told him "YEs, you can begin by paying the 10,655$, yes 10, 655$, of child support you owe mom." And unless, I see that money in my mom's bank account, I'm not going to forgive him soon. And I did this to ensure that my mom can continue helping not only me but my siblings as well.
You think you know everything and you look down on me because I'm 17 but YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And yes most of all, second marriages fail because as lala said in her comment, second wives try to "make themselves a priority over existing children". You don't seem one of these, however, now that i know you a bit better (that's a compliment, by the way). And the thing is that when second wives try to do that, they are THEMSELVES putting their marriage in danger. Because although it may take the stupid husband 7, 10, 20 or more years to realize this, A MATE CAN BE REPLACED BUT YOUR CHILDREN CANNOT. It's ugly but it's true. And there are many people who share my view, such as my uncle who happens to be 45, my father's brother and who is in his second marriage and is both a wonderful dad AND stepdad. So I think you will one day grow up, eat all your words and add many other points to your hub such as 'some second marriages, in fact, a lot of them, fail because the new wife or husband makes the stepchildren his or her rivals, domming their marriage in the process'.
*dooming
*not visiting my sibling when she was in hospital.
*my siblings are twins ...... sorry but I was so angry I said 'half-sibling' instead of 'sibling'..... my siblings are in fact twins and one of them was in hospital....
someone~ I've said all along that men should not skip out on child support- that's a given. so where do we disagree on that?
So now I'll ask what kind of dad was your father when he was at home and your full-time dad? If he changed when he remarried it could very well be because of pressure from the evil step mother. Why do you suppose your dad did this (put you second) you must have some theories. If he was a good man before the divorce then something happened to change that and it may be something you can forgive. But perhaps this is characteristic of him and he wasn't a good father to begin with. Not every person should be a parent.
relationships are about mroe than money- if your father asked for forgiveness, you should take that into consideration- that unforgiveness will eat you alive. Your parents aren't alive forever and the simple fact is why do you set adults and parents up to such a high standard- Good God is right! As a parent, you will always make mistakes. any job you have, you will make mistakes. This is a simple case of you just not having enough experience to know these things. I'm not looking down on you but rather form my own perspective of when i was 17 versus now.
You make very far-fetched statements such as "you know know nothing". Well, that's impossible- I'm writing you so it seems I know English and writing at least.I went to school for counseling and research psychology- 4.0 graduated with my B.S in Psych. From my viewpoint, if you believe in God, He will judge your father. I know people who were molested by their fathers and found it in their heart later to forgive if not just for their own peace. Perhaps your father had no money for you because step mom was a shopoholic. If he has a job, most states garnish wages- if he doesn't have a job then he probably can't afford the child support.
I'm not whining on this hub, I am venting and the Internet is a great place where everybody does it. I take my personal experiences and mix it with my education and I write something. At least your dad didn't spend the college money saved for you since you were a kid, on his sex change. I could sit around and be pissed, but I forgave. he obviously needed it more. Just think though, my venting on this hub allowed you to vent as well. Some people are bitter and judgemental all their lives so no you may not eat your words- i stand corrected.
Honestly, my husband whines about not being first to me because he feels second to my daughter so I'm not the only one thinking I'm second. He always takes his first daughter's side in our arguments and it would be nice if for once, he would take our side- at least my daughter's side. My view is he had sex with his ex wife, she cheated on him and had a baby with another man 1 yr after their child (my husband's daughter) was born so he basically donated sperm. Although he tried to be in his daughter's life, he wasn't from age 6 months to 8 years. I married him and he told me he hadn't seen his daughter and would never if his ex could help it. I did not know what I was getting into. Nobody prepares a woman to be a step mom and nobody prepares a man to juggle two or more families. Maybe something you could related to is try walking into a test, never being able to study and yet others' lives depended on the outcome of your test.
I see things from your perspective, but I also see wih a forgiving heart on the other perspective as well. To be so hard on someone like your father really puts you to impossibly high standards. Maybe you are not selfish at all and maybe you have your father to thank for that because you swear to yourself you will never do what he has done to you. You see, the bad things that happen in our life shape us and can make us better people- it's called chracter building. I think you will come out the better for it if you leave behind the bitterness and unforgiveness. i am telling you almost every adult will admit to the life pattern of teens rebel against a parent, in the 20's they bring up all their issues to their parents, and in the 30's+ after they've become parents (perhaps) they forgive and let some of those grievances go. eventually you'll realize life's too short.
oh come on.....I meant 'you know nothing' as in 'you know nothing about why second marriages fail' not that you know nothing in that sense.
And although I'm young, immature and a hormonally challenged teen, I know something about why second marriages fail, because of my father. He was a good dad before the remarriage, and then, he changed. Actually, he didn't start placing us second....he started placing us nowhere at all. I mean com'on, my twin sister was in hospital and he didn't even come to visit her! I remember ringing him afterwards and swearing at him in my own very expressive native language (English is not my mother tongue). Who's to blame if not the stepdevil who manipulated lily-livered dad?
And then, after 7 years my father said that he couldn't take it anymore, he wanted to be there for us as well and so, he divorced her. So is the reason the second marriage of my father failed, listed in your hub? NO...and my father is not the exception, believe me and neither is the Mrs.Hyde (we call stepmother that - it's from Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.) There are bad stepparents out there who try to make themselves a priority over their spouses'children, and they end up putting a lot of pressure on their husbands or wives and on the poor children. It's not only in fairytales that this happens, unfortunately.
And I know that I have many weaknesses but I don't think that selfishness is one of them. I'm a bit bossy and proud(I wonder if you've noticed =D)....and when I was younger I was so bossy that when my twin siblings were born, I wanted to be the one to change their nappies and prepare their bottles (at five years old lol).
Actually, you're making me feel so lucky to have a good mum (who frequently rebukes me for being so 'relentless'). Your husband's ex is horrible but if she has, from what you told me, severe bipolar depression, then she shouldn't have married, because even with medication, the condition is still horrible.
And money is not everything but it wouldn't hurt right now. My siblings and I have great aspirations, I'm studying to become a doctor, and my siblings are both into planes and want to become pilots (they're so cute, they do everything together). And I believe in God, and although life is unfair, I believe HE is just and I have to trust in HIM, I guess.
someone~ I know nothing about why second marriages fail- no, I never learned anything like that going to school for counseling. I'm also in a second marriage- not mine, but my husband's so give me some credit. I know what it's like to be in a second marriage and I know what our main issues are.
Your father probably was manipulated by your step mom. I ask myself why on earth my husband would marry and have a child with the lady who was his ex- men do crazy stupid things for crazy stupid women.I'm sure you know many guys whom you wonder why they're with certain girls.Your dad came to his senses but it was not on your timeline.
There are as many bad parents as there are bad step parents so to list that is just an overgeneralization. THat is not the main reason why second marriages fail- it may be on your scope because you lived it though. There are plenty of bad parents and people who should never have been parents. My husband has one of those- his mom. She has no interest in my daughter because my daughter is "second"- she doesn't come to see her at all and will only come to see us if we have his first daughter staying with us. My daughter was only born so what did she do to deserve to not see her grandma? The second family thing goes deeper than immediate family- other members of the family take sides, etc. It's a crumbling mess for more reasons than you and I can sit here and debate.
You can look at your situation as bad (certainly unfair) but good comes from it and the traits you speak about yourself it seems came about either because of your situation or in spite of it and that's not completely bad.
I told you my priority is being a good mom to my daughter and if that means I have to a bad step mom then that's a choice I have to make. THis simply puts pressure on my husband and our marriage- we have different priorities. His daughter did grow up with a step dad who was a good guy from what I hear. I know this is not a substitution, but it is better than being without completely.
Keep standing up for yourself and your beliefs, but they will change as you get older. Be open to those changes. I just remember myself at 17 and now at 36 and I would never have thought I'd have been through the things I have in that time. it would be impossible for anyone to get through life without making some wrong turns.
I finally learned I can't please everyone all the time- while it would please my husband and his side of the family (who hate me) to do everything for his first daughter, it would not be in the best interest of me or my daughter. THis all happened right about the time his daughter beat up her mom and was charged for it then put in foster care. I did convince my husband to not take her in at that time. I am glad I did because the foster care had to give her up because they had a 2 yr old that she was being aggressive toward and hurting. That could have been my daughter had she come out with us instead. Tough choice and it cost me my husband's side of the family, but I don't regret it. In fact I had my husband go see various specialists to get a second opinion besides mine at the time and he did- they all told him not to take her. Children of bi-polar parents are a special case and have different needs. My husband and his family only see her as an innocent child and I read the police reports- I talked to her principal out here when she got in a fight at school. I had a friend who was threatened by her step daughter with a knife- I take all this into consideration and I had to make a tough choice.
Ok calm down, if she is violent than that's ok. I don't think you would have stopped your husband from visiting first daughter in a place where they could be away from you and your daughter, would you? Well my stepmother not only did everything to keep me and my siblings away from her house (and me and my siblings do not have the habit of beating the crap out of people,so she had no excuses), but also manipulated dad into not visiting us. And believe me, there's a lot of bad water under the bridge. For example, how do you explain the fact that my father bought our half-sibling a computer for her birthday whilst he didn't even send a frikkin card on my or my siblings' birthdays? Is that acceptable? No...and that's only the tip of the iceberg. I hope I can forgive him but although a wise man forgives, a wise man does not forget and he does this so that he will not do the same mistakes when he's older ......
When people grow older, they may begin to understand better, they will be able to forgive, they change and change is important if it's for the better, but 'thou shalt not kill' should remain 'thou shalt not kill'. Some values should never change izettl.....never.....and I may understand...I may forgive....I may get softer at heart....I may start condemning the action rather than the person who performs it BUT if an action is wrong, it is wrong, if what grandma does to your daughter is wrong, it is wrong now and forever. Me getting older does not change the fact that some actions are unacceptable and will still remain thus. Your friend has been threatened by her step daughter with a knife.......that's wrong...step might have had a thousand reasons for doing that but IT WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG.
And in your case, it was a tough choice and I think you've made the right decision but you had a valid reason: SAFETY. My stepmother was just jealous.....that's not a valid reason for doing what she has done. Your intention (I hope) was not to keep the daughter away from the father, not to cause her pain...but to protect yourself and your child.
I have loads of friends whose stepmothers do not have noble intentions. I have other friends whose stepmothers are great and they are mums too so it can be done and it has to be done....you might say it's hard for a woman to do that but there are many hard things in life that have to be done, so that is not really an excuse....
Perhaps one day I will understand and forgive but that doesn't and will not change the fact that if an action is wrong, it's wrong, period. And I do believe that there are wrong and right decisions in this world....and that wrong decisions lead to dire consequences, 'reactions', which the decision-maker in question should accept, endure and hopefully learn from....
Hope that everything will go well for you, your daughter,your husband and his other daughter. Take care and take a break maybe.
And N.B.- No, I do not waste time wondering why certain guys at school are going out with certain girls....I do not have not time for that lol....totally not interested in love affairs and such bull crap.......i'm an old woman, remember =D
*then not 'than'
Yes, we do have very different experiences. I know you don't like my hub and it is written with my perspective which doesn't truly account for the bitches out there that have no reason to manipulate a man out of his children's lives.
Forgiveness, as cliche as this sounds, is for you- and not to forget (definitely not). I guess I practice mostly letting it go. That grandma's mom left her so she only about deserting people- not an excuse but it helps to understand her misdeeds and so I don't get pissed I got to let it go.
Yes, wrong is wrong. I don't think anything about your situation is right. That step mom must have felt very threatened by you and I do too (lol). You will be a strong woman and you are a strong young woman now. You've learned what not to do in any case you go through the same thing yourself.
In the aspect of it not being easy for a woman to feel the same about a step child compared to a biological- it's partly due to not being able to replace the real mom. I spent so many nights up talking with and soothing my husband's daughter, teaching her how to deal with mom when she had to go back, and I never felt like a mom doing it- I felt like an imposter because i could never give her what her real mom should have.
I hope you find peace about all this. Thanks for putting a different opinion on here as it may be helpful for others.
This has helped me understand my husband, although I do disagree that first "families" come first! His children(2)& my children(2)- (we don't have any together for obvious reasons) come first!! We both work very hard to make things even and fair, although both sets tend to get jealous of each other. The ex- wife in this situation is horrible and is jealous of everything I do for my family, they are my step- children, but I can love them- it is not the same love for the children I birthed, but I do the same for them, as if they where. It is very difficult to live together, but we manage. There are days that I think I can take no more. I love my husband and he loves me, our children are "our" priority. All 4 of our kids are with us every other week- and to their other parents, opposite. It's crazy, but works somehow. The only issue that we have is of course $$$!!!! Alot of kids = more bills& responsibilities. We often get manipulated into paying for things the other parents should, but in the end it's for the kids.I have had issues with our pre- teen girls( rivalry) and bad moods& defiance- can't say it's not normal- it all has to be taken in stride, it's not easy, but doable& if you really love someone- you work hard to preserve your commitment. Unlike in both of our previous marriages where infidelity where the demise, we both believe marriage is for life& you don't give up, unless the other gives no option. So, our children know our bond& their boundaries, and do feel stable while in our care. They always know what to expect& know that we are there for them!!:)
Someone~ sounds crazy but it is working somehow so congrats on that. Communication is a big factor if the kids are going between homes often and my husband, many years later, still can't talk to his ex for than a minute without hanging up. But it's true, it should all be done for the kids, but marriage is the glue so that has to be a priority as well.
Thank you for voicing all the concerns and issues of marrying a second time. I am currently engaged after a failed first marriage and we are experiencing all the trials and tribulations of step-parenting, step-siblings and financial burdens. We are both entering our second marriage and both have children from previous so I know our potential success rate is extremely low. It's sad to know this and at times it is very difficult. You are not selfish to feel what you feel, I do too and I've been married before. It's something that takes work everyday.
Oftheheart~ marriage is hard enough let alone combining a family and everyone's needs being met. Thanks for confirming what I feel as well. It's odd when you think about it but there isn't a way to truly prepare for it so it can be a roller coaster. I wish you the best into your second marriage.
I'll be brutally honest too. I'm sick and tired of women demanding to be relieved of the confines of marraige, then stating to a woman who actually DOES want what she threw away that "he made his commitment to me first"...NEWS FLASH!!! YOU (usually the woman files for divorce) demanded the comitment be DISSOLVED! Secondly, I'm also sick and tired of women of first born children telling their ex-husbands "don't have kids if you can't afford it" then they THEMSELVES go onto have kids and divert the funds that are suppose to go to their prior born children to their subsequently born child from a second marriage or relationship...both from their own wallet, AND from the child support the man (she threw out) sends every paycheck!!! They know FULL WELL that they would not tell their second child from a second relationship that they're inferior and unworthy of the same treatment as the prior born child just because she said so, but she EXPECTS HER EX TO SAY THIS TO HIS SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN????! It's the first ex-wives who are truly wicked, and truly dispicable in nature, they prove it time and again with these kinds of statements. NO ONE SHOULD TREAT ANY CHILD OF THEIRS ANY BETTER THAN ANOTHER!!!! and First wives KKNOW THAT! but are so damned money hungry that they could care less if some child goes without basic necessities in life so their precious first born can have an F*'ing IPhone!!!! I bask in the struggles of first wives...I REALLY DO! I hope they are plentiful! and I hope any man they find simply wants her for her child support check and divorces her as soon as her kid is grown and the money stops comin in. Then and ONLY THEN will first wives know just what it's like to be treated like an EX HUSBAND! First Wives are DEADBEATS!
Naomi~ your rant is all over the place and I can't really get a clear distinction of what you're trying to say. Of course there are very different circumstances but the statistics show second marriages are more likely to fail and for some of the reasons I mentioned and some of the reasons you mentioned. In my experience the money has always been more important to the first wife than anything else. Thanks for your comment.
I am 8 months into my second marriage (his second too). My children are older, but his are younger. When his children are with him I am almost nonexistant. His kids are great and I have a great relationship with them. I just feel like I am not important to him when they are around. He doesn't put our relationship as a priority. How do I communicate this to him without making him feel like he needs to choose? I just want him to treat me like I matter even when he does have his kids.
second best~ maybe you guys could find more things to do all together instead of him just concentrating on the kids when they're there.
You may have to deal with it as many fathers have to after a woman has a baby when HE is nonexistant. Schedule times for jsut you two to feel more important and realize they are young and this won't always be this way. I would mention you want a balance so you don't feel this way and hopefully you can tell him how you feel and together you can come up with some solutions. Best of luck.
Well is it wrong for a father and his wife , well the step mother to have birthday party with out the ex , or am i wrong here . If the kid ask for here mother to be there what should the father do . Can the step mother ask to have a party with just here and here friends and his family and mine or would that be wrong ,. If any one can help me out here i would love it .
cat~ my opinion is do whatever works for you and the family. If everyone is in agreemen then that is what works for you. Every situation is different- some families and exes can get along, some can't. You do whatever works for you and yours. I personally have never included the ex in any parties- she can have a separate celebration or party- you do not have to include exes if you don't want. Nothing wrong with that. I don't know your situation in depth but the kids can celebrate with the ex away from you. The celebration should be enjoyable, not walking on egg shells.
I've been married for nearly 8 years. My husband has 2 kids from his previous marriage and we have 3 kids of our own. When I met him his ex would never let him see or take his daughter. When he had to collect her she would make her cry for her and make the daughter so upset to leave her mother. The second child she put as father unknown on the birth certificate so we never have had any contact with him, only see him at family gatherings.
After the time I have been with him I have tried to make friends with the ex. I even went to pay the daughters school fees one year at her school as the mother did not pay anything towards the fees even though we pay her a huge amount of money for both chidren every month.
My argument or point now is, that we have started a new family and our business does very well now and after all these years of my husband always wishing his daughter a happy birthday and sending presents for christmas etc. She not once could even phone never mind send a card to her father. She is now 18 and all of a sudden obviously needs a car etc and now wants to make contact with him.
A few times we would collect her and take her shopping for her birthday and it was as if she was briefed by the ex-wife to ask for the most expensive presents around.
My husband had even bought her a cellphone in case she wanted to call him and see us but after all these years nothing until she recently saw what cars and how well we are doing.
Is it so bad for me now to be negative and feel upset that after so many years that at the age of 18 she know wants to make contact.
does this now make me a stepmonster?
Lost~ I definitely don't see you as stepmonster. We have similar issue with my husband and his first daughter. She is now 14 and wants to live with us cause she is having problems getting along with her mom but we try and tell her thats normal. She has come to live with us before but then wants to go back to mom so I refuse to be in a bounceback siuation- she can't change her mind every time she gets in an argument with her mom.
My point is that we (you and I) are both feeling a bit used in our situations. Your step daughter may be using you guys...or something. My step-daughters mom found out we bought a house and thinks we are doing really well, but truth is the house we bought has same mortage as our rent we had for several years, but now she wants in on the "extra" money we are making. It's all super frustrating and you should have your guard up...it's not wrong and doesn't make you bad. I hate the bad rep that step mothers get.
Having found the ex cheated, didnt suspect that he would have siphoned off millions and had always believed he would take care of the children and indeed myself. (20yr relnship) I was dragged through the courts; expensive delay tactic to ensure that assets which could be liquidated were. I had reputable lawyers.All assets still exist, just not on paper in his name. I really dont care about the second family, I have to worry for my own children which have been poorly treated, financially and emotionally. His children are a poor second to the new "wife" and her children. Listening to my daughter begging to spend time with him was heartbreaking!
Izetti- I must admit it is a tough situation to be in as after all it is his daughter. Sometimes I wish I had never gotten myself into a situation like this as in many cases just causes unnecessary fights in the house when discussed.
I do sometimes wonder how some people can get on so well with their stepchildren and I can't seem to.
Do you think it ever stops? Is your husbands ex re-married or involved with anybody else yet as mine has not been.
Ooh well will catch up shortly as I previously stated that the daughter after so many years wants to talk to her dad now, but knowingly wants something again. Probably going to happen in the next week or so, so we will see what the outcome is of that.
Have a great day!
Alley~ yes this is a tough situation for all involved. One of the ex-partners usually don't play fair. But I see it from the "new wife" point of view that I don't entirely trust my step daughter because I didn't raise her...and can't discipline her so it makes a lot more work for me. Her mom (my husband's ex) kept his daughter from him for so long that I can't trust the daughter knowing that even my husband didn't have a hand in raising her. and now ex-wife wants to give daughter to us because she is a teen causing problems...of course I don't want this around my baby and young daughter. Tough situation.His ex reaped what she sewed and now wants us to pick up the mess.
In your case.. it truly doesn't seem fair, but you need to carry on and make best of it for your kids...I know thats what I'd do.
I also see it as tough on my husband- it's a constant anchor.
Lost~ nice to hear from you again. I also wondered tihs to my husband the other day...will this ever stop? And I don't believe it will...I think his daughter will be grown and be asking for money...etc.
Recently my husband's ex has caused problems on purpose to try and make us take his daughter full time...but I simply can't trust a daughter who causes problems and has not been raised by my husband (because mom kept her from him until now...that she's a teen).
I think the important message here is a "new wife" never know what she is getting herself into especially if she has no ex or kids herself- we just can't comprehend how this will ultimately effect us.
Happy Mother's Day.
Izetti, No it isnt fair, had the ex done the right thing it would have been very different. In court even he stated that he had gone about things very poorly ...next sentence from the judge .. do you still want to have the children and your wife out of the house ... "yes your honour" to get the last bit of equity to make sure I could not provide a home for the children and start again ... the judge stopped it... my crime was acting honourably and not lowering myself into the gutter that he lives and sleeps in.
He provides the exact same lifestyle, my children and I had enjoyed, for his new family, all on a supposed wage of just on $40K, a lifestyle that was over $15K a week. I found out later,he believed that"the wives get nothing".
What makes it worse is his total disdain for his own children while another womans children are having a wonderful life. I pray for his lack of contact with the children as I keep cleaning up his "messes" Three years now and he is continually wounding them.
The new wifey was a family friend of 9 yrs who watched the children grow up. A fact not lost on many who trusted their spouses with their friends ...
When a 10 year old works out that she is only there for the money it doesnt get any sadder.
Im sorry, really dont care about the second wife and her family, deal with it ... If a man has children, they are a package deal. So many things were stolen from the children ... ie father, role model, his family's support, blackmailed that if they lived with me that they would not see their cousins, forced to attend the wedding for appearances, listening to false wedding vows, lifestyle, inheritance ... should I continue? ... and the whole time ... the children are aware that the assets still exist and watch his preferential treatment for children who are not his... all the while he is crying poor that he cant afford child support for his own children ... Karma is a bitch and he will get it back in spades
PS: this "cheating" housewife knew exactly what she was getting ... a "cheating" new partner who would provide financial securityfor her and her children at the cost of my & his children. She will not be financially dudded like I was as she helped to orchestrate the removal of assets.
Second wives generally do know what they are getting but make excuses
Aya Katz Level 4 Commenter 2 years ago
Izzetl, you made a lot of good points. Second marriages come second, because according to the family laws of most states, financial obligations from first marriage are not negotiable, even in hard times. First you pay child support for the children that someone else has custody of, and only after that can you feed your children who are living with you, with whatever happens to be left over.
I've met not a few second wives who talk about how they are waiting for their husbands' children from the first marriage to reach adulthood, so that they, not their husbands, can stop paying child support!