Why Sex Decreases After Marriage- and How to Increase It
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Not all couples experience an exponential drop in their sex lives post marriage- or so I hear. I'm still waiting to meet the couples that continue vigorous and enjoyable sex lives consistently throughout their marriage- affairs don't count!
For the partner that feels betrayed and the one who feels underwhelmed about the loss of sexual encounters within their marriage, it really is normal, not great, but normal. Ups and downs are part of life, especially your sex life. Sex is a symptom, not the main issue- rarely do couples report all aspects of their marriage being great with the only exception being sex.
Women can be known to put sex on the back burner, but usually because we have all burners going at once, typically thinking about 20 things simultaneously and sex gets shuffled around in the mix. Kids get sick, work priorities come up again, an argument with your spouse and before you know it, sex just jumped several items down on that list of priorities- maybe it leaped off the list altogether. Men can be guilty of pushing sex aside too. Some people even think marriage itself is the culprit for the lack of sex. If you are puzzled by what decreases the sex life between couples, here's a few hints and a few helpful tips.
Keep in mind that a decent sex life takes work, there is no quick fix. Just like having good health and a good body takes effort in the way of proper diet and exercise.
Children- Duh! Especially Babies
Children have a huge impact on a couple's sex life. I remember a repetitive conversation/argument my husband and I had during the many ensuing months after our daughter was born. Our dialogue would go as follows:
Husband: "So am I going to get some (sex) tonight"?
Wife/Me: "Well if that line alone doesn't get me in the sack, what will (heavy sarcasm)? Certainly not a massage, foot rub, you cooking dinner, or you putting the baby to sleep..."
Husband: "OK, I get the point".
Wife/Me: "I can't believe you have time to think about sex when all I can think about is the luxury of taking a shower or eating lunch one of these days."
The wife is left feeling resentful and the man feels inadequate because he isn't getting a fair slice of the precious time his wife spends on the baby. Men and women change after having a baby, therefore the relationship changes, and all too often the man wants the woman to resume her pre-baby self far too soon.Realistically, and obviously, women take longer than men to resume their pre-baby self. The problem arises when the man expects too much too soon. The woman is taking care of a new being and someone (husband/partner) should be taking care of her or at least helping her take care of herself.
While men feel the pressure of fatherhood, a woman is going through much more, physically and emotionally. She is learning how to re-balance her life, and men need to be patient because, believe it not, the woman usually puts herself and her needs further down on the list than the needs of her partner. So if you're feeling neglected, think how she must feel.
Another secret I'll let the men/fathers in on; Make it easy for your wife to be with you. Don't be another stressor or remind her how long it's been since you've had sex. Insist that your wife has time for herself sans baby or children. Take it upon yourself to schedule the babysitter. Women get consumed, even obsessive, with their role as a mother and if she doesn't get to be by herself for decent periods of time, she will forget the (pre-children) woman inside her- leaving that identity for the role of supermom. Insist on her getting time for herself and time with you, without the kids.
Women have a bottomless reserve of giving, and giving, for their children- it's an instinct. A man will say he is tired and simply be done with his day. But a woman will keep on giving to her children, past the point of exhaustion. She may not have anything left, but somehow if her children need more or are sick, she digs deep down in her bottomless reserve and gives more. Problems can occur when the husband wonders why she can't find it within her to give more (ie. sex) to him- why will she not go above and beyond for his needs? That's not a fair question for men to ask. No competition- sorry guys.
If husbands are expecting their wives to easily shut off their mother role once the kids are asleep, he'll be dissappointed. Give her time, on a weekend or during the day sometime, to shut off the mother role- when she is not exhausted already. And don't expect to get sex the first week or so of giving her more outings by herself- be patient and show her this is genuinely time she deserves, no strings attached. Even if you're hoping for some sexual favors sometime down the road, you should still be sincere about helping her detach from the kids a little.
Encourage each other to have a life and hobbies outside of the kids. If the kids are your life, your sex life will suffer- of course when you're done procreating/adding to your family, that is.
Where's the Person I Married?
Aren't we all guilty of accusing our spouses for changing after we marry them? Sometimes it seems they change so much, we lose some of the initial attraction we felt for them. Or maybe we changed so much that our attractions varied as well. Somewhere during the dating process we were attracted to the other person and no matter what advice follows this, it really is necessary to date your spouse and have hobbies aside from each other to discuss when you're out on a "date".
The way a woman views her man is crucial to her sexual feelings toward him. A woman feels most attracted to a strong, not necessarily physical, but supportive man- even if a woman is strong and independent, she still wants to know her man represents a safe place to fall.
Women have an ideal in their head, from the time they were little girls, about the man they will marry. While it's important for women to give up their man in the fairytale, it's also important for men to know what makes their wife attracted to them most and up their game, so to speak, in that category. If she is attracted to your child-like boyishness, find places to go where you can play.
It's complicated in the way that love is unconditional, but realistically, attraction is conditional. We can't give up or let ourselves go o sit around watching TV, and expect our spouses to be attracted to us. There is nothing in the marriage vows about being eternally attracted to your spouse- sad but true. The good news is your spouse was probably attracted to you for several reasons initially so maintain a few of those attractive features and traits to keep your spouse dazzled by you.
Men seem to complain a lot about their wife's body changing after marriage, usually gaining weight. If you pressure her or concentrate on this aspect too much, then she will withdraw further away from the bedroom, and consequently your chances of sex diminish. Women are very mental/psychological creatures, especially concerning sex. They realize when they've gained weight and it effects them mentally. The best thing to do is be an example- stop eating junk around her or focusing activities around eating. Women want to feel close to their husbands so they will partake in activities or even bad habits, like late-night snacking- just to spend time with you. If she gets her connection by eating with you, then she won't need to engage in other connections, such as sex.
Competition of Needs
"Couples think, If I'm not getting what what I want then you don't matter"...Tony Robbins, motivational speaker, stated this about his work with couples having issues. We have to do things we hate for the other person's sake and give up the competition, while working on becoming a team.
There may come a time when your partner says I want less sex or more sex. You would like to acknowledge your partner's needs, but they aren't compatible with your needs or maybe you feel like you can't give more sex unless you get some of your other, non-sexual needs met.
Typically, one person in the relationship has emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs that must be met before they welcome the idea of sex. If those needs are not met, sex decreases or becomes dissatisfying for that person. But how does each partner get their needs met when one is not willing to give unless given to? Does it become a stand-off?
First, the needs should be communicated in the most respectful way with your partner- no attacking or blaming. Then, work on a give and take program- you ask for a date night or a massage (whatever you deserve or helps you feel connected) from your partner and you will give him a favor in return. I have to say this works to get things going again and proves to one another that giving and taking is possible. You may need to flip a coin to determine who starts the giving. Score-keeping like this isn't a long-term solution, but it works during the lulls and low points.
Sometimes we expect marriage and our spouse to fulfill all our needs, after all, they did in the beginning. A new relationship seems to fulfill everything on your list; you don't need to eat, sleep, or love anything else. You are perfectly full and complete. This is unrealistic in marriage though. We need to consistently evaluate who and what can fulfill our needs- it's not all our spouse's responsibility. Some of our needs can be met from our friends, relatives and ourselves. You may be focusing on having more sex in your relationship, but some of that need may be derived from a lack of self-worth or emotional intimacy.
Trouble's Been Brewing
Lack of sex is a SYMPTOM- something else is going on and has been for a while. Since women are mental/emotional creatures, it's usually a woman who holds resentment or anger about something in the past. This is a mental road block a woman must overcome to get physical again. As a man, you can either talk it out with her (don't have a "get over it" attitude) or you can get help from a counselor together.
Effort? Ugh!
It's obvious as a nation, we don't like effort. We want to work less and have more, eat more and weigh more, etc. Add one more to that list; It takes effort to have a sex life with your spouse, and even more effort to have a good one. I'm not suggesting doing it begrudgingly, but making time for it to happen adding a little spice. Couples are surprised at the effort involved to just get away from their routine to have sex or quality time that might lead to sex. Sex doesn't just happen when married. There are several ways to satisfy a man and a woman, but it takes effort to discover these things- uprooting the usual routine to discover long-term bedroom bliss.
Men, if you put out effort, your wife may put out too. Don't take anything for granted. Since spontaneity and lust are pre-marital luxuries, romance is the replacement now that you're married. What is your wife's definition of romance? In addition, pour on the romance occasionally without even attempting to get her in bed. This will demonstrate you have no ulterior motives for being romantic- it's a deed done for the favor bank.
Women's effort should begin with herself- make the effort to feel good about yourself or attractive, whatever that takes for you. For me, that's reading or watching a romantic or sexy book or movie. A little fantasizing does a woman's brain wonders. Now that I am a stay-at-home mom I can't justify spending much money on my wardrobe, but once a month I buy a new outfit or some item of clothing that makes me feel good, and wear it, maybe even on date night with my husband. Also, exercise gets your blood flowing to all you areas even if your goal isn't losing weight, it releases feel-good hormones, which help in other areas of you life (ie. sex life). The practice of doing something for yourself makes you more willing to do something for someone else. Yes, I know it's easier said than done and that's why we call it effort.
Let's Get Physical
There are biological reasons that lead to a diminishing sex life. Many occur after child birth and in the 50+ age group for men and women. For example, heart and cardiovascular problems can cause impotency in men. After child birth and during menopause, women's hormones can fluctuate extensively, causing a physical and mental decreased appetite for sex. A doctor's evaluation and blood tests can uncover the reason for a loss of sex drive.
It's Not All About Sex
So what are some ways to get things going without focusing on the sex stats?
- Focus on making the relationship better in general; communicate more, view each other as partners, share interests and activities together, go through hardships together.
- Masturbate together
- Take an adventure- do something completely out of your comfort zone together, This is the first thing Tony Robbins uses for couples he counsels.
- For women who can't find the inspiration to have sex with their husbands, here is one incentive: after you have sex with him is when he is feeling closest to you and open to conversation about things you may want to discuss while he's in a really good mood. If you have sex before bed, though, he will probably be fast asleep so pick a good time not right before bed.
- Kiss more
- See a romantic or steamy movie together
- Go to one of your favorite date places (or activities) before you got married
- Talk dirty (over the phone, text or email is good)
- Touch each other more
- Try a new activity or challenge with your spouse- you may see them in a new light
- make a short list together about the top things that turn you onto the other person and keep that list handy to refer to later
For additional information, visit Dr. Laura Berman's website http://www.drlauraberman.com/public/askdrberman.aspx. She regularly answers and discusses marital issues involving sex.
For more inspiration and couple advice from Tony Robbins: http://www.tonyrobbins.com/
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This is a great hub and I think it is really important to talk about. I have been married for 13 years and I would say even with three children and a hectic schedule we still have a very healthy sex life. This is not to say that we haven't seen drops throughout the years but that is to be expected, especially a few years after my children were born. I think that drops also has to do with lack of communication and understanding of what each other is wanting, feeling or thinking. Sex is physical and emotional and if the physical and emotional connection is not there then that can have a huge impact on the relationship sexually and otherwise. Thank you!!
Thanks for the comments. It is an important and very subjective topic. There are so many reasons why sex can be less or different after marrigae. Great point triplet mom, about lack of communication- so true.
This is a very important topic for me since I separated with my husband due to this very reason after a 12 years of a miserable marriage and 4 years of therapy. At the end of the day, lack of sex and gaining financial power drove my husband to become a bad man. Deceiving, cheating on me at least 10 times during a 6 year period, dishonest and mostly surprisingly left his beloved children behind with all the exposure a 4 and 9 year old should never have. He was NOT this monster of a person before, although he did come from a very dysfunctional (sexually) family and also struggled financially. His father was abusive to his sisters and his mother.
My husband is convinced that the reason for all his terrible behavior is due to my lack of love or sex with him. Can sexual frustration even under many years of therapy trying to explain that sex comes with lots of relational work, effort and communication from both parties-end up for him to become this monster liar? Or will a man become evil intentionally if he isn't satisfied sexually? Or is he just making excuses to that he can have it all. If I had a wife that didn't want me or brushed me off, I would just talk to her and tell her that if this relationship doesn't change between us, I would leave her. Can we go get help? I would say this many years ago before he started to cheat and be nasty with me and the kids.
He would prefer having sex everyday and he said that he needed to be wanted with a lot of passion. I understand this concept but this just doesn't happen all by itself. He is a driven type of person that is craving for success and always wanting more and feels quite entitled to it all. Arogant would be a good way to describe him. Was I just with the wrong person with differences in values? I just wanted to have a family man that was focused on us. Money, success, gadgets, cars can be an accessory but without the real basis of a relationship none of the above makes much sense to me. Can you or anyone tell me what is right or wrong in this story of mine? I want to have comments because I don't want to get into another relationship ever again and make the same mistakes. What did I do and what am I responsible for?
Maria- A few things I want to comment on...4 years of therapy? You were either with the wrong therapist or the wrong spouse (I'm kinda voting on both). I don't have couples therapy background, but I did do research psychology and working with people who were suicidal and depressed individuals. With that said, I will give you some advice based on my personal and professional experiences. I think everybody has a core personality or core being. Let me explain... you say your husband was never a "monster of a person" before, but I'm willing to believe he was, although that side of him was dormant/supressed for several years you were together. Circumstances, money, illness, power, etc. only bring out the core of a person, who they really are. I've seen someone who won the lottery more depressed than someone with terminal cancer. If your husband was happier and more tolerable before the money than he was proabably betting that money would make him happy and then when he got money and it didn't make him happier, he blamed lack of sex and you. Basically, anything but himslef and that is not a good person to the core. Don't blame the money- many wealthy men are generous, kind and loving with their families. Your husband has the money, now he feels entitled to his other wants being gratified, for example, sex. Money just magnified the true person your husband is.
As for future relationships, and even your husband, look to their moral background. It's not whether a person had a troubled childhood, but it's how they dealt with it. Did your husband forgive his past or get angry and resentful? Did he learn from his parents' mistakes or does he do some of the same things they did? He may be depressed and acting out right now by buying gadgets and cheating. He needs therapy by himself, not couple therapy.
Also, how do you or have you and your husband connected emotionally and physically besides sex? How long has been a "monster". Some men are awful at communicating and connecting emotionally and so they just want sex to fill that void. Sex is a way that men feel close to a woman. If he wants to have sex with you more, it means he wants to connect with you more- possibly. Be careful with this because it may be just a ploy for him to feel better about himself. He clearly doesn't care about your needs or he would be getting sex. A woman usually has plenty of sex with their man if she is being fulfilled emotionally and psychologically. You guys are not connecting and it doesn't sound like it's just sexually. You need a family man, whether that's your husband or someone else- that sounds like an important value for you so if you pick someone else see how his family relations are and how he has dealt with them.
If you are up in the air about your relationship, My strong reccommendation is a book called "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I bet it will answer all your questions and it's very to the point and really tells you whether to stay or go.
One more thing Maria~ THe book I reccommended has a great tip in it. It suggests writing down things that would make you leave your partner. So if chronic cheating is something you don't want your husband to do anymore, tell him respectfully that it is something you will not put up with anymore and if he does it, then you will know he wants to end the relationship. Do not tell him if he does it one more time, you will leave. Verbalizing it the other way puts the responsibility of his actions on him, not you and you will feel less guilty.
It sounds to me, Maria, like your husband is a sex addict. In general, sex addicts are really difficult to live with. If he's been inappropriate with the children there's no question as to if you should stay or go. Go. Now. Before it gets any worse. izetti: What if it is the woman who wants more sex in the relationship? Any advice for that?
Maria~ I would love to tell you to leave him now, like Nicole says, but it has to be your choice- it makes me wonder why you haven't left him before now- so what's really stopping you? If you decide what is best for your kids, I bet you will decide to leave. You kids probably won't respect your husband for the way he is now so give them a good role model and someone to respect- you! If you leave him, that is to be respected. Personally, my mom left my dad after 18 years of marriage the first time he cheated and I totally respect her for that. because of my mom, I tolerate no cheating- it's a deal breaker for me. I've left a cheater (thank God I never married him), and my life was much better for leaving. You're spending precious time wondering what you should do, but do you think your husband is wondering how to mend your relationship- sounds like he's wondering how to ruin it.
Nicole~ Triplet mom said it well- sometimes sex lacks for either partner when there is a lack of communication. Also a lack of connection in other areas- emotionally, etc. I would tell a woman who wants more sex with her partner to ask them why they don't want as much as you. Has it always been this way, therefore different sex drives are to blame and that takes a little more effort to change. For instance, I watched a show with my husband about a sex therapist and it got us talking and being honest about what we want and why, things that have changed for us. Is it temporary? maybe your partner has a lot of stress in their life right now. Communicate with your partner and bring it up gently of course. Find out why he doesn't want as much sex as you and work from there. Maybe some spicing up is due.
Oh, ah... yes... I was asking for a friend! Yes, a friend. *smile*
I've noticed in my marriage that there are times when I want it more and my husband wants it more. As a woman, sometimes it is devastating if he doesn't want it, because I think we assume men are always 'on'. Downtimes for many men I know is when they are stressed from work. The only time to worry is when all connections are fading or gone- like kissing or touching or conversing and talking about your day or doing activities together.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your comments with me from the deepest part of my heart. Although this is somewhat a different topic, what a perfect day for thanks, after my brother-in-law makes the best deep fried turkey, a perfect feast for my entire family minus my husband. My Husband on the other hand was invited at a very chic friends house with about 25 work related acquaintances with a catered turkey feast in an architectural digest house, most of them not married or if married without children and valet park for your convenience even though it is a house not a restaurant.
Yes, my anger is coming out naturally since I so disaagree with his value and the environment he chooses to be in. I guess there is nothing wrong with the concept of wanting more for some, but as I go to a thanksgiving service today to be taught NOT to want more and just appreciate what we have and share what we have been given. How many people can we feed that are homeless with $5000 that is spent for luxury very causally by so many people like this. I guess we are all guilty of it.
Anyway, as you said before, he never cared about my needs and it was clear at least for the last 8 years. I knew this but since I would get kicked out of this country without my children due to immigration reasons I had to make way more effort in my marriage than others would ever imagine and stay living together.
Need to look after my kids. Will write again.
Aw, Maria, I'm so sorry. I didn't even think of that, my apologies. My heart goes out to you and your family. Love eachother.
Maria~ I had a feeling that was the case or something similar- it is too common and unfortunate. But It is important for you to keep your dignity about the situation. I think you are already doing it by feeling sorry for him as a person who has the wrong values, like putting money before his family. If you have to be with him, and I hate to say this, for the kids then put your effort into the kids and yourself. Keep your values intact. One day something bad will happen to your husband, maybe his health or something, and he will see that money and his wealthy friends will not help him. One thing in life, "This too shall pass", meaning life and situations are always changing.
Love your kids and yourself.
Izettl, this Hub is evergreen!!!
Find some time for yourself, on your own, to renew your energy. Romance will come back, after some time...and adjustment. The most important is love between you.
When I was 15, still dreaming about my ideal romance, one experienced old lady taught me that men usually never grow up, always stay children, and if we expect more from them we will be trapped in the spider-web of false expectations.
A lot of men agree with that theory, my boyfriend as well, and all women I know somehow support that with life-experience... Our partners DO NEED a lot of care, as children.
Woman have to learn how to play more in the life...how to become relaxed, how to spice up the day with humour. Complaints sound better when are presented in the form of joke.
I very, very rarely say "no" to the sexual needs of my partner, because I also dislike to hear "no" from him. I use imagination, or go out on the balcony, take few deep breaths and concentrate on the all positivity in our relationship. After that, sex seems as very good solution, and everybody is happy.
I wish you all the best, a lot of romance, happiness and love. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Your hub IS GREAT!
Thanks for sharing your insight Tatjana, you are right on several aspects. Your points were true for me before I had children. For some couples, once you have children, it becomes a turn-on and a necessity for the man to grow up a bit for the sake of being an active partner in raising children together- which can be fun and can be stressfull responsibility too. I know the more my husband helps out, the more I can relax and take a few deep breaths, and think about our bond.
Fun and imagination work too!
This topic just jumped out at me, this has been one great big challenge in my 23 years of marriage. But it has only been in the past 5 years that I have been able to pin point the problem. And the problem is and always has been “ My Wife” Yeah you heard My wife. I’ll tell you why. She is nutz out of her mind, for putting up with my selfish ass, ASS!
Now that I look at it, the truth is that most of the time all I was worried about was me. What a big baby, I can be when I don’t get what I want. Up until today, I still pout when I don’t get what I want when I want it. I have always been very demanding, because of my own, lustful needs. So she is either nutz or a saint for putting up with it for so many years.
Most of our life together we have had a wonderful sex life. If it got bad, it was all my doing. You see understanding my wife’s needs isn’t just making her feel good in bed. But with all of that male pride and ego that was instilled in me by the men and male friends in my life. I have always had something to prove and I guess I had to prove it to myself. Here we go again, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me.
So when I got out of me, and worried more about she, things got much better for us. I found out, it wasn’t about making her feel good in bed it was about making her feel good about herself. The little things like. That’s ok babe, we don’t have to. Lets save it for a night when you feel better or when you’re not so tired. I even tried a sexual fast, for 30 days. Only lasted 14, but I tried. Plus she cheated, she looked at me.
Listen people I can go on forever about this topic. But I’m going to cut it short. The bottom line is that when I let go of ego, pride and that macho, macho man. I was able to get honest. Honestly, there are two people in this relationship. When I focused more on what I can do to give her what she wants and what she needs, for some reason my needs just happened to be fulfilled..
Now, that’s not it. I started to apply that unselfish attitude into everything in life, I cared more about others. I started treating all of the people in my life in a very loving and giving way and now my whole life just seemed to be getting better. Don’t get me wrong, this little “or better yet” Big cry baby still needs plenty of work. It’s one challenge at a time, one day at a time. However my focus is a little more today, on what I can do for others, rather than what they can do for me…
Just food for thought…
Peace, Love, Life, Light, Health, Happiness and Massive Success….. JosephDiego :}
What great insight JosephDiego!
I am impressed with your self-awareness. I especially love "that's ok babe, we don't have to" line. It really is important for a woman to feel good outside of the bedroom so that they want to spend more time in the bedroom. You could have wirtten this hub better than me! Thank you for all your wise words- many men can learn from you.
Izettl Thats grt hub , the issue you focussed here is 100 % genuine i m amrried person i feel that my sexual desires are gradualy drecreasing....lol well my wife is coperative but needs some changes in life to enjoy more well thats grt hub u deserve EXCELLENT here
ANDY
Thanks for the nice comment and the "excellent". I think sex varies for everyone and at different times in their lives and marriage is about getting through those certain times when our differences in desire arise.
Ditto, its an important topic to talk about, and not many have covered it. I guess its something due to shame or feeling as if though "well that's just what happens in marriage"
Flagged up! I wish hubs had stars so I could 5-star it lol.
THanks for the comment- I think you're right Alek that many people feel as though this stuff is inevitable in marriage and just accept it. That's too bad.
I don't know if it is natural for our sex life to get worse or not. I do know that in our 38 years together we have had a great sex life until the last five or six years. It began going downhill then and is almost nonexistent now. I don't know that it is either of our fault. We still enjoy it when it happens; it just doesn't happen often enough anymore.
A great hub that you have here!
Johnny Yuma
Hi Johnny- Wow 38 years, you may have to share some of your secrets with the rest of us! So if your sex life changed five or six years ago, was there something else that changed during that time within your relationship to cause this inadvertantly? When sex decreases, there is usually another reason associated-physically or psychologically. Just get your partner to talk about it, if that's possible and brainstorm why the sex decreased. Maybe it's just a habit that formed and you need a jumpstart to get sex happening again.
I think it's natural for there to be ups and downs in a couple's sex life but you say it's been several years since it decreased so it might be something worth figuring out. Are you spending more or less time with your spouse? I have a friend who became a little turned off when her husband retired. I know this sounds strange but there were several reasons for her feelings and viewing her husband differently, inadvertantly causing their sex life to suffer, but they worked through it together. I don't know if this is your case, but it's an example of something that can effect a long term marriage like yours.
Best of luck- wink wink!
Laura
Hi izzetl, I am sure that something else must have happened, but it isn't something that I can put my finger one to say yes it was this. I did begin having heart problems, but it was latter not at that time, so I don't think it was that plus the doctor says that I can do whatever I want to do. Whether or not he was talking about making love I don't know you one only has to assume as I didn't ask.
Johnny
My other half and I have been living together for 11 years now, with two hectic careers, one hectic 3 year old, and a great sex life.
I think it's important not to stress about the inevitable slow patches, then they just end by themselves and no-ne worries.
London Girl- If you have an overall fulfilling sex life, then the 'slow patches' aren't as disturbing and hardly noticeable. An unfulfilling sex life is when one of the partners (or both) is not happy with the quality and/or quantity of sex. So if your partner says he's fulfilled also, then chances are your physical needs match and there's no issues. That's good, but most relationships, one of the partners has a higher or lower sex drive or different needs than the other.
Johnny- As long as your wife is assured your heart problems will not be effected by sex, then that probably isn't the culprit. It could be something she is going through or her sex drive isn't what it used to be. Ask her what her if she is happy with your sex life together (quality and quantity) or what would make it better or more enticing for her.
my husband does not seem to want to have sex any more i put the qustion out there evey day 2 times a day with nothing it causes problems with us i just don't get it he use to want it all the time and now nothing i have put the idea in his head that maybe he should talk to a doctor if things just aren't right with him and i would under stand that but not yet he is put off by the idea i do not feel it makes him less of a man but a better man to ask for help to keep his wife happy and i work all day i kep the job pay and worry about the bills and kids but i find a really good night with my husband hlep to relax me and put me to sleep to go anther day
More often than not the reason for men's sex drive to drop is that something physical is going on (depending on his age though), other reasons are stress. Are you the only one working/paying bills? Men need to feel worthy and like "men" so if you have always been the working one then that would not be the culprit, but if this is more recent then that could be the reason. People need to feel like they're contributing something in some way. He may not feel good about himself.
The best advice I can give- if he won't see a doctor or talk about his feelings, is to drop the subject of sex and work on increasing intimacy like snuggling at the end of your work day or giving each other a massage or kissing more in general and don't force these activities to lead to sex. You don't want to be like the skinny spouse asking and pressuring the overweight spouse to lose weight- we all know that doesn't work. Just focus on the intimacy and no pressure. Don't make him responsible for helping you relax at night- I understand that though, but snuggling and maybe even masturbating would help you release tension.
It is very important subject. We all start paying less attention to our partner as time passes. The relationship is like job, we have to work for it and make it better all the time.
Thank you for sharing your ideas.
Thanks five elements- you're right relationships are taken for granted especially as time passes. At least at a job we see immediate reward (money), but relationships take just as much work as a job (when times are rough) and we don't usually get an immediate reward.
I just read this hub, great really great. The funny part is that after our son was born it was me that wanted more sex than my husband and it's still like that to this day.
One thing we've found out that helps communication is key to improving the sex life.
Thanks for a great hub.
I wish my sex drive went up after having a baby- I just wanted sleep, sleep, sleep! Yes communication is key. I had an epiphany about that today- I think women communicate too much and men communicate too little.
very good hub nice tips
I am Diff. tou
I think effort is the key. People who are too lazy to try will drift apart.
I wrote a Hub on Passion in Marriage. I also wrote an article on AC called Romancing Your Spouse: From Mild to Wild. I actually think that article is much better.
bgamall~ YES effort is key, effort in making quality time with your spouse, effort to do the little things they like, effort to notice the things they do for you, and effort to hold back on being argumentative.
Don simkovich~ AC (?) I'm sure your articles are great- the titles are great! In my hub I offer a woman's point of view and my background in psychology. I try to cover the most common relationship errors that lead to less or no sex- and to convey that sex isn't a seperate category in a relationship, it is very much intertwined with all other areas too. All areas of the relationship need to be dealt with before sex improves. I've seen couples who just tackle sex by itself and begin having more, but their results are very short-lived because there is another area of the relationship that is lacking. Basically, treating the symptom won't be as effective as treating the cause.
Thanks for your comments!
Your information is easier said than done - but very helpful, and accurate. Thanks for sharing.
jxb7076~ Thanks for your comment. Everything to do with long relationships is easier said than done, hence "effort". I think another key point is that there will be low points in long relationships- that's natural and the passion will wane, but we can't expect it to be all perfect and good times all the time either then panic when it isn't. It's knowing WHEN something needs to be done to get back on track and following through even if your partner doesn't make the effort at the same time (that;s the part that is hard for everyone).
That's good stuff Izettl ...I'm sexually frustrated right now. I haven't got laid God knows how long. Marriage problems will always be an issue. This is the reason why guys are considering getting married to bi women who doesn't mind sharing. Those relationships usually last longer and the couples are more happy.
Hi izettl, I just joined recently and amazed at all the topics around. The reason urs caught my attention was the fact that your topic relates to mine perfectly, only urs is far better. Great stuff
Thanks men are dorks- I'm off to check out your hubs.
coolbreezing~ Boy, I don't know many women that share their men, but if you say it works, I guess it does, but does it actually work for both people and if they're truly in love? Statistics I've seen on this actually say these types of relationships don't last for the long run.
nice
3 words. Control, Manipulation, & Punishment! Wives can use all the excuses they want to avoid or deny sex, but it all boils down to those 3 words.
Young men, avoid the trap, avoid marriage at all costs!!!!!
DEAD MARRIED MAN WALKING~ I agree there are plenty women who use control, manipulation, and punishment. I am my husband's second wife and he had many complaints about his ex being like this- deiberately withholding sex, using it as a reward and punishment system and unfortunate for me, he carries some of that mentality into our relationship. This narrow minded approach inhibits our communication about the real issues because he always thinks I'm doing what his ex-wife did.
BUT not all women can be lumped into one category (unless you're bitter).
AND give me specific examples of how women use control, manipulation, and punishment because I'll bet you I can give you examples of how men do the same. In fact, if you're in a relationship, you will experience and use these tactics at least sometimes.
ALSO some people should recognize they shouldn't be married before they get married. I don't ever believe the "I was tricked" excuse or she "tricked me into getting her pregnant"- you were at the wedding free will, you picked her, and you want to blame women in general.
I have to say that our marriage suffered from lack of sex during the time our children were little, neither of us liked it but we were so exhausted that we never made time. So now, the kids are a little older, and we have have tried to change things around to make time for "us". We now have date nights. Just this last weekend Grandma had the kids spend the night so we actually got to relax and have a great dinner at home (we don't like going out to dinner) then we went to see a play and the next morning we got to spend hours enjoying each other and not have to rush anywhere or do anything or have kids knocking on the door. We try and do this as often as possible, at least twice a month. Inbetween that we "make" time for ourselves now and also enjoy family time and activities together like hiking, camping, geocashing, fishing, we enjoy our time with our kids much more because we've had time to enjoy ourselves too.
Not that we didn't enjoy and love our children before but during that earlier time we kinda lost "us" and now we have that back so we do enjoy our alone time and our family time much more.
It is very hard with little ones and your story brings hope and a realization that low points don't last forever.
Great. I enjoy all your hubs.
I really think you are a good writer and this article was fun thanks.
Thanks for the positive comments hinckles koma and narayankrishna!!!!
Hi Izetti,
I have read this hub with much interest. I am in my second marriage as my first husband turned out to be an aggressive and very possessive person. I was raped when I was 17 and had thought, after that , that there was no way I could ever have a relationship with a man. When I met Phillip, I was 22 and I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. He was so different from the person that had sexually assaulted me and I thought I could spend the rest of my life with him. I lost a baby just before my 5th month and as I had ulcerative colitis at the time, I was very sick for some time. He used to just force himself on me whenever he felt like it, and eventually I was turned off sex, because all it did to me was be a very painful experience both times. I married Richard in March, 1990, and we have had a very happy marriage. The only thing though, a lot of the time of my marriage to Richard has been spent in hospital. I even got a bowel obstruction on my wedding day which landed me in hospital for the first eight weeks of our marriage. In the early years, we did not have too many problems communicating sexually, but as I spent more and more time in and out of hospital, I began to feel very guilty that he was stuck with me and half the time I couldn't be a proper wife to him because I was recovering from surgery or a serious illness, such as when I almost died from bacterial meningitis, had a stroke and recently I was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease which is incurable. I have felt him pulling away from me and I don't know whether he is scared of hurting me because I have so many areas of my body that are affected by my disease, especially my bad neck, which I was told recently was that of an 80 year old, and it is not really what you want to hear when you are just 53yrs old. My psychiatrist that I see on a regular basis, has encouraged me to try and instigate something which I have tried to do on many occasions but it never seems to go very far. Even orgasm now is extremely hard. I have tried stimulating myself in the hope of getting just something stirring up in my genital region but with everything that is happening and all the medication I am on it just seems pointless to try. I know he gives himself hand relief so he must be missing the intimacy just as much as me, but he just wont talk about it with me or even with a therapist. I am starting to think that he has lost interst because of my disease and all the scars on my abdomen from all the bowel surgery are not helping either. I would really love to have an intimate relationship with him because I love him so very much and he has been with me through everything I have had to endure. In some ways, I feel that when I die, it will be good because he won't be trapped with a sick wife anymore, and who knows he may find someone else who can give him what he deserves as a husband, a proper sexual relationship as a wife, and not what he is getting, an empty relationship, at least from the intimate side of the relationship. I don't want to make him do something if he is not comfortable with it, but I really can't tell anymore. I know he still loves me because he tells me that everyday. I just feel very sad inside. If you have any advice on this subject I would love to hear it because I don't know what else to do from now on . Help me please BB
BB
Thanks for your detailed comment- I really feel for you. Most recently I was diagnosed with Rhuematoid Arthritis- very painful. Long story short, my husband has been helpful just like yours, but I feel the guilt of not having a "normal" intimate relationship- and not feeling attractive. If you can imagine, I am 34 and most days I walk/limp along like I am 80. Intimacy was strained between my husband and I at first, but when I communicated with him he confided he thought he would hurt me if we were intimate. That fear he had was turning him off to me.
Make sure you two openly coomunicate about your intimacy needs, then start slow- if you know he pleases himself then be there with him (if he allows) and snuggle next to him or help him please himself and do it for you too- masturbating together is very intimate. Take a shower together and lather soap on each other. Pillow talk is great for opening the communication- talk and snuggle at night. Do things that don't make either of you feel sex is an obligation or expectation. On a couples retreat, one of the first things they assign couples to do is please each other without having sex- this is so important for times ahead when we get older or injured or ill. My husband gives me a massage on my legs and it is the best- each of us have intimate things we enjoy as much as sex and if they lead to sex, then all the merrier. Couples forget the grey area of intimacy- some think there is either sex or no sex, but there is a wide range of activities in between. Also, verbally give your husband plenty of compliments for helping you out and tell him it makes you feel closer to him- be genuine.
Your life has changed significantly with health issues and that will change other parts of your life too, including intimacy so you have to expect that and not be hard on yourself. If you would do the same for your husband (if he had health problems) then you should not feel guilty. Life is always changing and I believe couples get divorced because they didn't adjust their life to the changes. So don't expect your sex life to go back to normal, maybe for the rest of your life. Accept this and it will put you at ease and give you confidence which is the biggest turn-on for guys. Just like couples who have a baby and expect the sex to return to normal- HA!. Anybody who marries someone and expects them to be the same person for a lifetime is foolish.
Excellent Article. I will bookmark it. It needs to be read and visited often.
Cheers
Well, Izetti, I'm with you on the suppressed personality that you mentioned in your response to Maria.
Up until my diagnosis, we maintained a strong and regular sex-life - 2-3 times per week and sometimes up to 5 or 6 - with occasional dips lasting no more than a couple of months as we went through various gynae problems prior to the conception of our two boys, as well as the obvious dips immediately following their births. I was always totally faithful to my spouse throughout our marriage - as I believe she was to me - even though, following her diagnosis, we only actually made love once during the last eighteen months prior to my leaving the family home.
Throughout our marriage I would regularly buy her small loving gift without there being a special occasion, sent her loving SMS messages during the day, give her foot massages as we were watching TV, stop in the middle of whatever I was doing in the house/garden and walk up to her, give her a hug and a kiss and then return to whatever I'd been doing. Most men don't appear to realise that it is these little gestures of love that kindle the fires that will burn hot when you do both get it together to make love. Sex is - especially for women - the physical act that expresses the emotions housed and fostered in the mind.
My (soon-to-be-former) wife came from a dysfunctional family backgroung with an emotionally distant (and occasionally abusive) alcoholic mother and financially-driven and controlling father. Her siblings all had emotionally troubled relationships, but she appeared to have beaten the trap; that is, until I was diagnosed with ADHD ten years into the marriage. That burst the bubble on the idealised fantasy she had projected onto our marriage.
She subsequently contracted a rare and potentially life-threatening disease a little over six months following my ADHD diagnosis - an auto-immune diseased that could possibly be a physical manifestation of her psyche a (she is now in remission) and 18 months after that she broke up our marriage.
She is now displaying all the same dysfunctional behaviour of the rest of her family. She still espouses the same doctrine of best intentions she always did, except that she now habitually contradicts her words in her actions. The saddest part of it all is that our two beautiful children are being harmed by her efforts to - as she sees it - protect them and she is so convincing in her rhetoric that, by using her charm and personality, she has convinced those within her social sphere that what she is doing is right. Thankfully, those in positions of authority i.e. the judiciary and education have seen right through her charade.
The strain of maintaining this pretense and denying herself the opportunity to move on and to heal is taking its toll on her physical being and she appears to have aged 5 years over the last six months. Despite professional advice, she refuses to take advantage of counselling and therapy.
Suppressed personalities are a lot more common than many would imagine, as the pressure of society to conform to a prescribed set of norms forces many to bury the hurt they carry from their past and their childhood in an attempt to "fit in". You can only run away from your past and live a lie for so long, until eventually life pulls the trigger and it all comes bubbling to the surface to everyone else's shock and your own horror.
Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, ......BOOM!!!!!
gr8legs~ very thoughtful comment. Too bad your emotional intelligence didn't rub off on your soon-to-be ex. I think birth of children or other major life changes -job loss or health diganosis- begin a downward spiral between couples. These issues effect people deeply and often we see the worse come out in ourselves and our partner during these times. I can't explain your ex's change in her behavior, but it sounds like at least you have peace about doing what you could in the relationship- ongoing thoughtful gestures, etc. Children listen and look around them all the time, if you are setting a good adult example then they will likely do the same and it will probably be hard to explain to them why their mom is being the way she is. Many women get a little nutty ( I might get in trouble for saying that)during a separation/divorce, almost like a midlife crisis. I've seen it happen all the time. MAybe it will be a phase- you can hope mostly for your kids sake and for hers and yours.
Thanks for your words of encouragement, izetti.
Yes, I'd agree that some women go emotionally off the rails around the time of a separation/divorce and I'm desparately hoping my ex will pull through hers soon. Unfortunately she is being held back by well-meaning friends and family, who think that supporting her wholeheartedly in everything she is doing is helping her, when in fact it is holding her back from moving on.
I don't know if you're familiar with the five emotional stages of divorce, as described by Jeffery Kottler. In his book “Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships” (1994). In this, he takes the 5 emotional stages of grief (disbelief, anger etc) and applies them to the breakdown of a realtionship. My ex is stuck in Stage 4: Acting on the Decision, which is characterised by feelings of anger, fear, guilt & blame. She is not being allowed to move onto the next stage of acceptance.
One of the things that most helped me to deal with this was as a result of my basic understanding of psychology combined with my university education. My first instinct was to research my situation, to read and learn and to arm myself with knowledge. Having done this, I was able to prepare a psychological analysis of our situation and thus rationalise the events surrounding the break-up of our relationship. This proved to be very helpful in dealing with the hurt and other emotions I was experiencing and to move on without the acrimonious feelings normally associated with these events.
I have undergone an intensive period of immense growth, emotionally. This has helped me to find a place of peace within myself to exist and now find that I do not get angry when I find myself on the receiving end of what I perceive to be an injustice. Do I get annoyed? Yes. Do I feel hurt? Certainly. But the most important thing is that I don't get angry (I have spent most of my life railing against some or other perceived injustice or slight) and I don't hold onto the negativity. In that respect, I actually have a lot to thank my ex for; if it were not for her and this unfortunate turn of events, I would not have found this. I only wish I were able to help her find the same. Despite the hurt and her ongoing attempts to decry, defame and disparage me (she has, in Jungian terms, projected her fear onto me, identifying me as the source of her fear and leading her to take out a restraining order against me, despite there being no history of abuse in the relationship), I only wish her well and hope she can find happiness and hopefully somehow, an inner peace for herself.
Anyway, thanks again for a very insightful & thought-provoking hub, as well as for your words of encouragement. Keep up the good work.
your article has spurred so much discussion that I think you can extend the topic to another hub ! Great work ! :)
Ingenira~ I could probably write a book on this topic, but there are so many books on it anyhow. I never paid much attention to this issue until I was married. Even then I thought only much older couples had this problem, but not so. Young ones do too.
Thanks for writing your article. It was interesting and in a way I wish I was the one with the problem to be able to do something about it. My husband and I –both early thirties- had the perfect sex life for a 1.5 yrs until a month after we got married (11 months ago) where on average we have had sex once a month. It’s a hard thing to deal with especially when you are supposed to be on your honeymoon period... if this is that I am very apprehensive of what our future holds. It’s not just about lack of sex or intimacy or that he stopped caring if he was giving me enough affection or that he has some anger issues to deal with -lucky his anger is never physical towards me- or that due to that he developed depression. I am convinced that something inside him changed when being married finally kicked in but can't do much about it until he is fully assessed. We have seen several counsellors -due to my persistence of finding out what's wrong cause if it was for him we would have never seek help- couples, one to one, depression and just now the last one after giving us a positive diagnose of depression suggested it might be a good idea to talk to a psychiatrist for some unfinished business he has -my husband's father used to criticise him way to much and even now he has changed my husband can't forgive him or talk to him at all-. I have supported him all along and even though I have told him about my needs and he is sorry about it I do not see any effort from his side to easy this situation... I can't recall the last time we behave as a couple anymore. We act like roommates and even though he says he loves me and helps me with the house chores and indulges me in certain aspects I can't stop feeling lost in our relationship. I feel like the constant cheerleader and deep down expect a few of my needs being met. I can’t bring the subject anymore cause it makes me feel even worse to ask for things when he is so troubled and feels his desperation and frustration about it but that's about it… no change at all. I am lucky to get a kiss hello and good bye and when we finally get to have sex –whenever he wants due to the countless times I have tried or asked for it and got rejected- instead of feeling a connection I am left feeling stupid cause he now to become arouse wants to talk to me as if I was a whore and just get to the point and that's it. I know it’s hard to understand why I am still around and the answer is simple I married him cause I love him and not just cause he is sick I should be quick to walk away. I guess with time and lots of support/dedication things will change or better to say I hope they will…
as long as progress is being made, it will be easier to see a reason to stick around. Depression is huge. My husband has major depressive disorder and takes medication for it. THere were a rough couple of years before he started taking meds. He sought treatment after we had a child- not saying that always makes someone change or get better. If your husband seriously has depression then sometimes only medication and counseling will do the trick. You can't provide either of those for him.
You must let him know what you need from a husband, tell him the bare minimum at first so it doesn't seem overwhelming for him. Depressed people get overwhelmed easily.At one time things were normal for you two so I guess I don't understand what changed suddenly. I don't believe marriage ruins sex, although the only thing I see is marriage puts a given responsibility on a man so if his dad belittled him, all that may be resurfacing. In the mean time trying to find out what' wrong with him, why isn't he on some kind of mild depression meds? There really isn't anything you can do right now for him other than let him know if he needs someone to talk to or just cuddle you'll be there. Ask him what he expects out of a wife to guage what he wants from your marriage. If he wants more then you guys are not in trouble, he just needs a boost to get there, but if you guys don't have similar goals for your marriage then things could be tough for quite a while and you may have to put some guidelines up for yourself about how long you will put up with not feeling loved.
Thanks for your advice. I will try to aproach the subject with him in a non threatening way and will see how we go. Sometimes it just helps to be able to vent and then get on with it.
He is taking depression meds and that has helping him a lot to not go down all that often. I can practically tell when he hasn't had them -he sometimes refuses to take them- cause the change in him is really obvious.
I think it all comes back to the will of the person to do something about it and getting that isn't easy. He is slowly but surely putting more effort into it so in time things will change for the better and I really look fw to that!
Thanks again :)
Hopeful~ somebody asked me the other day how to ask a guy out on a date and I said "Don't. You ask him to go do something other than dinner or a movie and don't call it or think of it as a date".Well I think this is similar advice for you. How do you get more intimate with your husband? Don't but always leave it open for something. If he's had a bad day simply as khim if you can massage his back or his hands and refer nothing to sex afterwards. If you want him to talk about deeper stuff going on with him, talk friendly and make sure to compliment or flatter him on something manly. I used to get disgusted seeing women gush over their men about strong or great he is, but when done mildly and genuinely this is very effective. A man always needs to know he is a man. Women have gained a lot of confidence in recent decades and men seem to need reassurance more than ever. Simply compliment him on how he fixed something or something to do with manly traits.
Hope some of this helped and yes, I agree venting holds a ton of merit.
First of all..a great hub on an evergreen topic. I am sure this issue has been around since adam and eve!!! :)
We make life too complicated. We keep shifting priorities in life based on events like say childbirth, new job, new home etc. All these events are exciting and we as humans like change and excitement. But, this approach relegates other aspects of life in the background and sometimes subsumes them. We also postpone happiness for tomorrow like for e.g. If I get a promotion, I shall be happy, If we buy this house, just imagine how happy will we be and so on. By reacting to every situation,whether joy or sorrow, in the same manner, we can escape this trap.The other thing is conditioning. We have all been conditioned to behave in a certain manner at different stages in our lives and to a large extent it is justified. The same holds true for sex in a marriage. The first few months/years (of marriage) is generally a very sexually active period. Once the body and mind have been satiated (maybe temporarily) we start to focus on other things. Along the way, these things go up on our priority list thinking that we can always get back to it later. Atleast thats how men think...They can get in the mood with the flick of a switch. But women are more complicated. They carry the weight of the world along with them and somehow after marriage, the curtains, sofa covers, kitchen cleanliness, etc..start assuming top priority (maybe their desire to project the image of a perfect wife ---conditioning). The men cant understand this and the wives cant understand the men's reaction to their priorities. I mean, given a choice between sex and laundry, 100 % men shall choose sex, but maybe only 50% women shall choose sex as she is already thinking about how many pairs of fresh clothes are available, whether the clothes shall dry or not (It may rain), the bed sheets need to be washed and so on. So, the men need to understand the way women think and for women to understand that given a choice between sex and any other thing, most men shall choose sex.
Many women do use sex as a bargaining tool because they realise its power. Most men resent that and then find it easy to justify their straying. Most women want sex on their terms and when the male isnt able to oblige, they can get nasty. Women sometimes forget that in most homes, the male is the bread earner and is stressed out most times. So when the home maker wants it, the husband is stressed and this may happen frequently enough for resentment to grow. Both partners working in a marriage is a realtively new phenomenon and evolution is still trying to cope with it. Men refusing sex to women affects women far more than women refusing sex to men. Men sort of expect it...
TO cut a long story short, men and women think differently and are affected differently by events. Priorities of both men and women change after marriage as other mundane things like mortgage and loan payments start affecting them. The trick is (and it always works) is to play together (even when your children come along). Play anything, board games, racquet games, walks, jogs etc...just play like you used to as a child and suddenly you shall realise that the marriage is perfect..sex is not an issue..bringing up children is not an issue or stressful, and most of all...life is more about play than surviving. A simplistic approach but very effective and has worked for me for the past 14 years...
Thank you for this very informative, true and helpful info. The sexual aspects is a big part of keeping a happy marrige and this article has truly help understand how to keep it alive!
I think this article is incredibly sexist...it makes men seem uncaring and simple minded...Sex is very important to a man, just as security is to a woman...what if a man said that he wanted to quit his job so he could see his children more, the woman would no longer feel secure and resent him/leave him for a man with a job who could provide...why then is he not allowed to leave her because she has cut him off???
Some guy~ why is an article written from a woman, sexist? Obviously I can't account for everyone's point of view- impossible. And I agree, why can't a man leave a woman if she cuts him off? A man certainly can leave a woman for that just like a woman can get a job if her man doesn't have a job so that she can feel secure- your assumption that the woman is looking for the man's job to make her feel secure is extremely sexist. Most women work AND taise children.
A job and sex are two different things. Hopefully a man will not leave a woman if she stops having sex for a while or not as often. Hopefully a woman won't leave her man if he loses his job. My articel simply suggests what you can do to remedy this problem in relationships and why it happens. It would be a little harsh to leave your woman if she has little sex with you, especially if it's something you and her can work on. Thanks for your input though.
This hub is totally me. I just had a baby 3 months ago and I have the same conversation with my husband just about every night. I would rather have dinner, a bath, a nap, and a foot rub. Majority the time my body hurts from exercise and picking up my little one who weighs 25 pounds (at birth he was almost 11 pounds). As soon as I get a nap and some help it's on!
davenstan~ I'd say the first year after having a baby is tough on relationships. I used to remember thinking about hte necessities in life while my husband was thinking sex- my mind was far from it. But it's important to remember the more help a man gives, the more intimacy he will get.Best of luck to you.
I told my husband that if he wanted it more frequently then I need help. We had the conversation a couple of nights ago.
I am a 27yrs old woman married for 3yrs now.I am in a dilemma.Me & my husband love & understand each other a lot.We are planning for a baby now.However, it is my aversion towards having sex that is slowing down our plans.I feel sad that I don’t allow him to have sex because I always feel that everytime after intercourse we, the bed everything surrounding us becomes messy & I immediately change the bedsheets & start cleaning & force my husband to quickly take bath.I have tried using extra sheet beneath us but still it doesn’t help. This irritates my husband as he keeps telling me that sex is not dirty & I should not think this way.Because of this issue we have sex once or twice in a month. I understand that for trying to have a baby we must have intercourse quite frequently & if we start doing that I don’t want to do the above usual stuff every alternate day.Also, I am under medication for regularizing my periods.Once they are normal can I conceive in 2 to 3 months time from now? I am asking this because its not just our wish but there is immense family pressure on us, especially on me.We didn’t wanted to delay it for so long as in the last 2 yrs we had to face few setbacks in our life & after going through & coming out of it time just went by so quickly that its been this late. And after everything, it is this problem of mine that is further delaying things. I request you doctor to please give me a simple & good method which I can follow so that I overcome with this problem of mine & start a family soon as even I am eager to become a mother.
Sharin
this blog is absolute garbage...hey guess what relationships are about both people, not just one gender. it's actually comical to read. i am a single dad who has full custody of my daughter because the mother decided that she was more important than the family in general. so, not only did she cheat on me but her daughter as well. i love how the internet has nothing but negative comments about fathers and husbands while the mother is always the victim. try it, really on google especially. type something into the search engine negative about women and its always spun into the mans fault.
thanks for your opinion. maybe you mistook the fact I was writing from a woman's perspective since the typical (not all) is generally the men who complain about wife not having as much sex with them. That's probably why there is more about men on the internet concerning relationship issues. Certainly nobody can write anything about any topic if it isn't written from some point of view, excluding some cases and people and including some but not all or others. I took the subject "in general" it is the men who are puzzled why sex decreases. And in general women are relationship oriented whereas men don't concern themslves as much about feelings, relationship isues, and complexity of relationships.
Your situation is exactly the same as my husband's with his ex wife. He remembers how there were signs, issues he ignored, she also had a mental illness, etc so its really equal like you said- its both people. This article probably doesn't apply to you- I, nor you, can expect it to and if it doesn't then move on.
I think your hub here needs to be read immediately by my hubs! Many great points here that at least for my relationship were "right on the money," so to speak! I myself can relate to all illustrations you have made here except a few(i.e. my spouse and myself have no children.) My husband and I lived together for 6 years prior to going ahem official and I tell you once the rings were on the fingers things changed. As you pointed out not only in the boudoir but all the way around ...my question has always been why? Your hub helped me to clarify and hugely supported some of my suspected culprits to our growing increasingly distant from one another. Married now 5 years + our former 6 years we have 11 years of history now together as "partners" This hub really made me go hmm...Voted up and awesome all the way around. Ty
Gee, I wonder if I ever want to be married!
aefrancisco~ it's like everything else in life. Everything has its faults and bonuses. Marriage has its ups and downs and so does being single. I've been on both sides of the fence and know the grass isn't greener on any particular one side. And like everything else in life youget what you put into it- this really applies to marriage.
Benson Yeung Level 1 Commenter 3 years ago
great hub. thanks for sharing. interesting topic too.