My First Condom
84
What do you do with it?
Is anyone's first condom actually used for it's intended purpose or am I the only one that can think of 101 (other) ways to use one? Hmmm, that may be another hub! First, I want to tell you a story of my first condom. No juicy details, just entertaining fun.
When I was about 16, a friend of mine had a very valuable commodity- condoms. First ones I had ever seen in person. I was excited and giggling profusely as if I'd discovered gold with naked men etched in it. I always thought of a condom as a toy- sorta. Of course I knew it's purpose, but I couldn't help to think of it as a forbidden toy I was deprived of in my childhood. You have to wait a certain amount of time before driving a car or wearing lipstick. It's a rite of passage, a combnation of reponsibility and woo-hoo fun. My rite of passage, condoms, were now slipping around in my hands while I wondered the obvious. What do we do with them?
My friend, a guy named Jon, and more specifically my partner in crime at high school, was the class clown. He was not my boyfriend, but I always had a weak spot for the funny guys. I did, however, have a boyfriend at the time who was doing time after school in detention. So here I am with my buddy, condoms in hand, and a look getting dumber by the minute on our faces.
Some action
Condoms are for fun right? Why else would they make them different colors, shapes, sizes, and textures? So that's what we used them for; F-U-N. Blowing them up was too obvious, but filling them with water to make durable water balloons, and taking them to the local carnival would be more amusing than watcing after shcool specials on TV. We could throw them at our friends there and have a good time.
Even though I thought I was old enough to earn the right to use condoms, I knew my mom would be a non-supporter- to say the least so I felt it was absolutely necessary to cover our tracks. My mom would have not only one cow, but the whole damn farm if she knew I was anywhere near a condom. My buddy and I gathered up condoms and wrappers and stuffed them in our pockets, planning evil genius ways to dispense of them. As teenagers we were completely exempt from any obligations concerning morale.
Our plan was hatched and going perfectly. My mom wouldn't be home for another hour and she was picking up my boyfriend from school after his detention. They both knew Jon and I would be at the town carnival so no big deal. Jon was harmless...in theory.
It broke!!!!!!!
Two goofy kids walking down the street with a few water balloon condoms in hand- playing, tossing them to each other and at various friends we saw on the way. There was so much action during the carnival time, we didn't seem out of place, and certainly no odder than the guy on the side of the street wearing fashionably ill spandex pants and dancing to M.C Hammer tunes on his boom box.
Whoops! I dropped one of the condoms, I mean water balloons, on the sidewalk where it burst open and broke. Hey, those suckers are slippery, anyway, I guess that one was a dud. It just proves you can have fun with condoms, but not too much fun.
Never leave home without it
Meanwhile, at about 5pm, my mom arrives home with my boyfriend and the first one, whoever that was, to go in the bathroom, found a condom in the sink. The storm was brewing unbeknownst to me, and I was still having a blast at the carnival. We thought we had been tediously careful about collecting all the wrappers and any "evidence" before we left, however, we forgot the biggest clue- a wrapper. It was like an elephant sitting in the middle of that bathroom sink sticking it's toungue out at my mom and boyfriend- not good!
Yes folks, we left home without a major piece of evidence. Lesson learned- when it comes to teenagers, two heads are not better than one. In fact, it substantially lowers their already non-existent reasoning skills. The hunt was on... Jon being target number one on my boyfriend's 'should-have-kicked-his-ass-when-I-had-the-chance' list.
The trouble with condoms
My mom was one determined, overprotective, single mom on a mission. Unlucky for me, she was also very sociable and knew a lot of people so she was heavy on the phone calling everyone she knew, everyone I knew, and I'm pretty sure the President of the United States got a call too.
She gathered a search party and headed to the carnival. Amidst having inappropriate condom fun, I spotted her car out of the corner of my eye, and watched as she asked the spandex pants man on the street if he had seen us. Oh my God! I ducked, but not before I noticed him pointing in our direction. Another lesson- don't underestimate men in spandex. It cuts off circulation but improves memory skills somehow.
About two minutes later my mom found us, and simultaneously we found ourselves trying to explain the condom fiasco. My lovely, persistent mother wanted "proof" we were using the condoms as water balloons so I led her to the spot on the sidewalk where a condom had burst and a pool of water surrounded it. I looked up to see odd spandex man waving. Not the way I envisioned my first experience with condoms.
Like most teens, life would not be complete without an embarrassing moment that echoed through the halls of high school. Me, the girl who broke a pack's worth of condoms in less than an hour, and Jon, the boy who was alone with a girl and condoms, but didn't use them for sex.
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CommentsLoading...
rofl...thanks for a fun and humorous read. I hope it was as much fun to write. So? did the moment of truth reappear at your school reunion or did it die away in the annals of time?
Excellent hub, full of humor.Congratulations.
So funny! And nice to know I wasn't the only one doing dumb things to get myself in trouble at that age..
You mean ... they are NOT for water balloons!!! :)
I can't remember mine! lol
Great hub! Very funny indeed!
Oh, ho, funny story! I wonder what would have happened if you couldn't prove they were being used for water balloons? Of course, now you were all set if she did find condoms. You could always say you were making more water balloons.
I found it quite humorous that for your suggested reading at the bottom of this hub about condoms, you recommend the hub, "Is It Worth It To Go To College." Ha! It is if you have condoms!
really funny and great hub also. COngrats for hitting 100. We are right behind you..
Jack Crockett~ Thanks so much for the comment.
Christoph~ Thank God I could prove it! Good point about having a back up plan for later use. Too bad I didn't think of that back then.
You're last line about my college hub was hilarious- but you have a very valid point.
Dchosen~ thanks for stopping by. Yeah I don't really know how the 100 score happens. I know I've just been writing a lot the last couple of months. I'm sur ethe score has a lot to do with great fans- like you.
OMG .. just when I think I know you. Outstanding. What ever that score's all about, you're deserving of it. You are cool Laura!
jim
tmwnp~ I wrote this hub in about a second, suddenly recalling this funny story out of my bag of tricks. I'll have to look into seeing if I get a door prize or something for reaching 100. I haven't yet looked up to see how the score thing works. It's only appropriate, and laughable, that I reach 100 on the day I publish this silly condom story. lol. Good to see you JIm! My best fan, main motivator, favorite hubber, am I getting to your ego yet?
lovely ,lovely and just lovely...........love u and ur hub...thx
Where I lived condoms were everywhere on the ground and it was nasty. These ghastly images stayed with me but had no impact, gladly, ha ha.
Thanks for sharing your story :)
gagig~ thank you, thank you, thank you!!
moncrieff~ well I hope I gave you a good laugh. I could see how condoms might not be a great image for you.
So funny ! lol...
What a funny read! OMG my kids are teens now (yes, I'm that old) and I'm sure they'll have funny condom stories too. Not that they'll tell me though lol. Still smiling izetti, thanks.
I thought to prevent kind of venereal disease. I hope we all glad to follow your tips. I never doing sex before, so I'll need this stuff someday. Thank you very much.
Great and humerous hub izettl. I'm sure there are many other funny stories of this nature out there but maybe not all are as open to share as you.
Peace and Hugs
I was a little worried what direction this was heading. You are very witty. Love this!
You sure had guts, or you were extremely naive. LOL! But guess what? I would have done the same with a trustable friend. Did in fact stuff like that with my girlfriends, for those balloons were quite intriguing and sources of great fun. Congratulations with your 100% hubscore!
Good laugh. My first condom (called a "rubber" then and handed to us by fathers who advised, "Don't get your feet wet." Wink! Wink!) stayed in my wallet long enough to leave a permanent circle on the outer surface, at which time I determined it to be dead. I never owned one again and, as they say, rode bareback permanently.
IZ,
thats your story and your stickin to it huh....
At least it is plausible. At least you did not say anything odd like we thyrew them at ETs or Ghosts....
*HEEHEE*
TH
My first one was rather expensive, as a matter of fact I needed to take out a second mortgage just to buy it. Maybe the price tag was so high due it's size and where I bought it...The island of Capri in Southern Italy...A 2,000 square foot Mediterranean beauty with 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, a second floor balcony with an incredible ocean view...I had a very difficult time negotiating the purchase because I don't speak fluent Italian.....Hey wait a minute...Did you say Condom??
Thanks ingenira!
MPG~ you'll proabably be lucky enough to hear about thir stories when they're much older. Then you'll think back and hopefully laugh- lol. Thank goodness my daughter is only 3!
prasetio30~ thank you and you're welcome! Glad you stopped by to read it.
Loves to read~ I am a bit more free in my writing than what I would normally talk about in person to someone, but that's what I love about writing- freedom!! I was actually an innocent teen, but I have always had a funny prankster side to me. THanks for reading!!Peace and hugs to you too.
fred allen~ I was much too innocent to use a condom for it's intended purpose. At least my curiosity leaned on the more proper side, mostly because I had my mom to answer to, and she raised me with decent morale. But I still have my funny side! THanks for reading fred.
martie~ always lovely to see you. I had fun writing this. Yes, I was 99% innocent in high school, but 1% devious.
david stone~ thanks so much for stopping by. Your condom story is classic right down to the "put a permanent circle" on your wallet. That gave me a giggle. Condoms are nothing but trouble so good thing you let it rot in your wallet. But for someone esle reading this, eat your vegetables, don't stay up too late, and wear a condom- better yet abstinence is cool!!
TH~ hey there's my silly hubber. I count on your comments to add to my silliness. Good to see you and yes that's my story- I'll have you know it was quite some time before I ever saw a condom again. So there!!
alternative prime~ I guess I'm impessed you had a house before your first condom- lol. Haha- you had me going!
Funny and entertaining!!!
Can I just leave an "lol" and leave it at that? Would that be sufficient? You have a knack for, well, you know, a word play of sorts. But always wholly entertaining. As for my first experience with a condom...? :::sigh::: I'll leave that at that as well. :) Great fun, and great hub.
I really like this story. Very funny, and clever. I liked the subtitles paralleling a sexual experience - "some action," and "it broke!"
Great writing.
ding dong- thank you and gald you had fun!
sprngboard~ leave it at that? Now what would be the fun in that? I guess the "sigh" will have to due- until antoher time, possibly another hub? Glad you enjoyed!
eatfiftyeggs~ great to see you. I enjoy word play whenever I can fit it into something.
Funny...nice read. what's the deal with flavoured condoms? what's the point? does anybody actually wear one for that?
Tom Radford~ Glad you got a laugh! Flavored condoms- I have to say I may not have heard of them. I mean I've heard of flavored everything else in that department, but condoms? What IS the point? Better hope it's not edible because that doesn't sound too reliable for a condom. HA! Made me smile Tom. Thanks for stopping by.
I remember my first condom. I found it in the back seat of a used car my parents bought. It was a magnum. I tried it on... I was sad. lol
Priceless. :)
I loved this! Thanks for the grins! :)
Jnich~ ha funny you made me laugh. Now you're all grown up right?lol.
Tom R~ Great to see you- hope you enjoyed!
Tom C~ Thanks for a lovely comment and you're welcome for the grins!
Nice and funny hub.Your hub my first condom is very sweet and memorable hub.keep it up.
Thank you so much artoflegendindia
Here in Portugal, condoms are, sometimes (not in every school), distributed through all of the school students, usually followed by a group talk about safe sexual behavior and just sexual education in general. That's how I got my first one. It was never used; it went to the trash about a day or two after. Once, the girls were even given a pack of tampons and menstrual pads, while the boys had a mini book with a detailed explanation of all the changes that occur in the human body during puberty. The girls got the book as well, obviously. They needed to know what the tampons were for, lol (although in my class most of them already had their periods, anyway. Even if they didn't, they would probably be well informed, already).
hehhehehe this was laugh :) [nose bleed ]
anonimuzz~ oh yeah the good times. Sex ed in my school is a blur to me. I just remember embarrassment and thinking wow girls certainly have the worst end of the bargain. THanks for your comment!!
uriel~ glad I could make you laugh!
Still I have not used it. Hey, it will be the best memorial day of my life when I will use it.
flavored condoms are widely used
Alyn Willian~ Good luck with that!
Kumar~ news to me. I never knew about them or used them. Interesting...
I remember my first time with a condom. Unfortuantely I can't talk about it here :)
LOL -- I totally applaud you in your ability to tell a funny story from a life adventure.
Me and a buddy and two girls once drove around with a blown up condom flapping in the wind secured by a tightly wound up car window. Some observers laughed while some looked on with distaste. Your story is so much more fun. Thanks
great hub, so full of humor. thanks, thumbs across!
supertek78~ well at least you used yours responsibly- lol.
Neil~ So glad I could give you a laugh. You did for me also with your experience. Why is it some people can't take a condom flapping in the wind- that's responsible driving there.
sa ge~thanks for your comment and thumbs!
Funny and interesting hub,My first used condom is very colourful and dotted.
Awesome luck to find this Hub just when I needed a laugh. Great writing.
joseph munley~ so glad I could give you a laugh. Have a great day!
During WWII, a British soldier discovered he could keep his gun's firing mechanism warm in freezing weather by stretching a condom over it. When Churchill heard, he ordered that troops be issued with 18-inch condoms for this purpose. To demoralise the Germans if they captured any, they were labelled 'Made in England - Medium Size'.
Lord Gaga~ love your name by the way. HA! totally hilarious.
hi
my Name is krisshna
Great and humerous hub izettl. I'm sure there are many other funny stories of this nature out there but maybe not all are as open to share as you.
Peace and Hugs
====================================
seo Servicess
I remember it when i was 15. In my school play ground. I found some of it. I dont know about it. One of my friend think that it is a balloon and he used it to fill the air. Then i asked a senior guy in my school about it. whenever i see my friend, i just kidding him by saying that incident. Greet remembrance
Thanks for the great story, my first condom, great laugh and I needed that.
seo services~ thanks a lot for your comment. Even if it's embarrassing I am still open- not sure if that's good or bad. lol.
Singleman~ looks like you have a first condom story too. Ha!
Katie M~ Glad to give you a laught!
OMG, this was so funny and I loved it. It reminded me of a tale my Mum told me about how as a child she went rummaging in her Mum's (my Nan's) bedroom drawers and found one of those ancient reusable condoms that were really thick rubber. Thinking it was a balloon she brought it downstairs bemused as to why she couldn't manage to blow it up. In front of a room full of her parents friends she asked "Can someone blow this up for me please", whilst waving around this condom. Deathly silence and audible embarrassment followed, whilst her blushing Mother ushered her back upstairs with dire warnings about going into her personal drawers again.
A small PS. The first time I tried to put a condom on a male boyfriend I spent 10 minutes trying to put it on inside out before he took pity on me and showed me how it should be done!
mistyhorizon2003~ Now that is a funny story too! HA! My daughter, 3, is starting to rummage through drawers so I have to hide "things" a little better.
I can totally relate to difficulties with condoms. They are much easier to assemble as random toys than their actual purpose. lol.
LOL, yes, it could be really embarrassing if she came downstairs asking what this buzzing toy was meant for and could she play with it. As for the condoms the best use I have seen for them other than the water bombs, is when people stick their heads right inside them and proceed to blow them up. Looks hilarious.
Misty~ Funny you should mention that. THank goodness it was only my husband at home, but my daughter brought down a certain buzzing thing and asked my husband what it was. He said it was a flashlight. So we learned our lesson before it could have been more embarrassing with anybody else around.
The other trick of blowing it up with their heads inside sounds hilarious!!
LOL big time, didn't she ask why it didn't have any light on it, or did you have one of those "glow in the dark" ones??
I am sure if you check out "You Tube" there will be some kind of footage for "inflating condom on head" or a similar phrase. Looks amazing, kind of like something out of Star Trek!
misty~ our little conversation here is cracking me up and yes I found something on you tube- oh man I couldn't stop laughing for a while. And yes also to the buzzy thing with a light on the inside- never knew what that was for. Hmmm...
Ha. My first condom me and my mates put a pickled onion in it and swung it round like a slingshot. I definately think you should do a 101 uses for a condom. If you dont I will with pictures as well
Are you sure it wasn't a torch after all Izettl???
This is one funny hub. It gives condoms a whole new meaning right there. Good hub, still smiling here! This hub proves that within reason, you can write almost anything on Hub Pages! Heh! :D
I got my first one from my uncle's shelf, and became the first one to show it in the school. All of us had great fun by filling it with water and bursting it on our basket ball court. enjoyed by reading your hub and chewed some sweet memories.
Very funny Izzy, you know they make good sling shots too. =:)
Thanks talkietaco.com~
Cheeky girl~ Thanks for your comment. I like all sorts of humor and even "dirty" humor can be sensible.
dinkan53~ I bet you were the star of school for bringing that. Glad I could bring up some good memories for you.
Winsome~ THanks for stopping by. Slingshots! Of course, why didn't I think of that.
I dont know that it was their first condoms, but a bunch of my guy friends had picked up some colorful ones and waited until after school to blow them up and hang them from the trees in the yard. Supervision was NOT happy about our prank, but it was only one of many that occured on a daily basis!
That sounds funny! It just proves my point that condoms are made in so many colors and designs purely for playing pranks. THanks for sharing your story CrimsonFirebreeze.
lol cnt rember my first condom.
WOW...I remember my 1st condom!! I still hear my mom say, if it don't fit, Id better tie a knot around it...Well Mom, no more tying Knots.. LOVE THE ARTICLE
www.producerskorner.com
Thanks for a great read! This is a very amusing story. I've never had a condom so I wouldn't know much about them. :D
James~ Glad you enjoyed. It was a funny adolescent experience I can always look back and laugh at. Never had a condom? Ha, now you're just being funny! It would be interesting to know what James A Watkins would do with a condom?!? :))
lol. Haha. Funny story....
THanks Zeeko!
I first saw a condom when I was five. I thought it was the newest sweet in town, and funny enough they fell out of my uncle's pocket so I ran to him and asked for more "sweets" and he just bursted out laughing and I thought he was laughing at me. I resented him for the next couple of years until I discovered what condoms were really used for... WATER BALLOON FIGHTS!! and yes throughout the years I have actually discovered 200 things to do with condoms which ultimately I could write a hub about!
Thanks for reminding me of my first condom. Nice hub.
Jasmine~ So condoms traumatized you as a kid- lol. Your story is like the evolution of the condom as we grow up. That's a great story- glad you could forgive your uncle.
Thanks for sharing izettl. Right from the beginning you DID really know what condoms are for...having fun.
I generally became too enthusiastic to keep the damn thing on and had to go fishing. I got away with going commando.
According to Forest Gump a box of chocolates is like a leaky condom..."You never know what you're gonna get."
CP
Christopher Price~ Condoms just look too silly to be taken seriously. Nice Forest Gump quote!
With a title like this, who could resist? I couldn't. What fun. My curiosity got the better of me and I'm so glad it did. Thanks for a delightful read.
vocalcoach~ THanks for the comment. Meant to be a kind of lighthearted fun read- glad I could entertain you! Besides I'm sure everybody remembers their first condom!
Condoms are for fun and pleasure and intimacy.
That about sums it up- thanks for the comment Dave Matthews!
It was a great story. keep up the great job of creating great and funny hubs.
Hahahaha, Lovely! I'm sure after reading this funny & real story, everyone will be thinking of their own incident. :)
Thank you bugslady8949 and AnkushKohli! I like to tell my stories and people can think of their own funny experiences.
You have a new fan.. Meee! Great hub, really funny, am off to check out your others now :)
like it very much
Thanks callie morris and muvhen!
Great and funny Hub! I remember tying a condom on the antena of a car of a couple who had just gotten married! That thing filled up with air and it got soooo Big! We laughed about that for years!
This is hillarious because its true! The first condom always fails with its intended purpose...trial and error. It was only after the 30th time I realised it wasnt meant for keeping cucumbers warm!
lol!! how cute i guess all i can do is play with them to im alergic!!!
cool website and funny on tags
thank you marymac47~ hey that's a great idea- funny!
DrRobotnik~ And yet another good way to use a condom- cucumbers. COndoms and trial and error certainly all go hand in hand. THanks for the comment.
thanks kanduss1!
thanks LIL D123.
LOL! It took me until I was like 20 [maybe 19] before I was even comfortable buying my own girlie "hygienic products" even though I've gotten them since like 1-2mths before my 14th birthday! The first time I bought condoms I was 20 and a half [3 yrs after my first deed because they were "always" the males responsibilty, yeah right!] and bought them out at another town that I was going to cause of work [because this town has a way of telling everybody anything!] now though ... well I can buy if I want I'm cool with the ways of life. I still live at home though so I still hide them ~ anyone but our parents right?! ... Hope my daughter, if I have one one day, is more comfortable with talking to me about these things than I was/am with mine!
TTaylor87~ gotta love small towns. I grew up in one too as you read in this hub. Yeah I hope my daughter will be comfortable with it too but I'm not really looking forward.
Maybe if I had used them for something else other than water balloons I wouldn't have had eight kids! But dang, these kids are funner than the water balloons!
Torys Ten~ I can see your point! Sounds like fun!
funny, poignant, wonderfully-crafted. The MC Hammer tunes and the pink spandex definitely take me back to my freshman year in high school in 1990. Hilarious! I am literally getting goosebumps
Rich~ It definitely brought back memories for me too. I was only a year ahead of you so we likely have a lot of the same memories- too funny!
I have watched "Let's Talk About Sex The Film Trailer". I think Sex Education is very important for our young sister/brother.
france~ thanks for the comment- I agree.
Useful hub but sounds so funny as i want to laugh myself to tears while reading these.
water balloons,that is what it always ends up
mitshell~ those who haven't tried the water balloon antics with a condom, really should. They make superior quality balloons.
In England most youngsters got their first condom from the barber. After your haircut he would say "anything for the weekend sir". I always thought he was trying to sell me shampoo or a comb. The irony is that when I wanted to buy condoms from the chemist, faced with a female assistant, through shyness, I would end up buying shampoo.
Voted up and depraved. Sorry I mean interesting.
Skaditch 21 months ago
My first condom came from my babysitters boyfriend. He handed me this thing called Trojan, told me to take it to school and impress my friends. I was eight and had no idea what I was impressing them with. I think it ended up as a water balloon as well.