A Man's Guide To Sex After Marriage
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I've written a couple of other general hubs on this topic and from that I've addressed an endless ocean of comments about why sex decreases or is "different" after marriage; most of them were from men.
I want to discuss this in a brutally honest approach without the misconception of male bashing, but rather to help men understand. It seems, men are the most confused and invested when it comes to this topic. I realize there are two sides of every relationship issue, but I am assuming here the man wants more sex in his marriage.
Understanding women and sex: In business, if you have a problem, you go to the expert. On this topic, women are the expert; they would be considered the expert when it comes to what makes her want sex with you and enjoy good sex too. Unfortunately, women often think they have a problem with getting turned on, but we just get turned on differently, and you've probably heard this before, but women's sexuality is largely in our brain and if we've been told we're not as sexual as men over and over again, then we begin to believe we aren't. This is a horrible mind-trap just because women do not get turned on in the same way men do.
Men, this isn't the time to wander around lost, it's the time to get answers and seek direction. Suppose you think you ARE making an effort: Here's why it's not working...
- Is the sex about sex or her and your feelings toward her?
- 2 minutes (average time for sex with men) is less than average time for arousal for women (7-20 min)
- TELLING her she's beautiful doesn't make her FEEL beautiful.
- Her needs change consistently, so ongoing communication is more important than you realize.
- Making a short-term effort, then giving up when you don't see immediate results is like raising kids for only a month or two of their lives. Raising kids is a lifelong effort and you do it ongoing. Even when the reward isn't always there, you never know when something you do makes a world of difference.
- Pointing out your efforts is tacky and not well-received by her.
- When was the last time you asked her what would make the marriage better for her? We know sex would make it better for you, but what would fulfill her?
- Does the effort conveniently only happen when you want sex or do you genuinely make effort without expectations.
- Women put everything together and continuously think about things. Maybe you two had an argument and later you are ready to have sex, but your advances are not well-received by her. This is because the argument lives on in her and she will never forget, maybe you have moved on an shut that door, but she hasn't.
- Lack of Sex and Sexless Marriages
Lack of sex in marriages happens- you may call them lulls, low points, or dry spells. Long-term sexless marriages happen too- we've all heard about it, seen it (popular talk shows,etc.), and possibly...
Sex before marriage
Don't do it! But you probably already have, and if you have, here is why you are warped forever. Men have these conquests, or sex, before marriage, and it is under exciting and idealistic conditions, maybe with random women as well. These experiences make an imprint on you forever and now your mind has been programmed this is what sex is like and should be like.
You need to make new experiences and imprints once you are married. Hot sex doesn't always have to fast and furious in the seat of a car, the "hot" is now having a woman who loves you and knows every bit of you to know exactly how to please you. Sex with someone you love and are married to is different and it may have to be a new way of thinking for men. The shared love, family, and life is what makes it deeper, even cosmic perhaps. Change your mindset about what makes sex "good".
The Sex and Communication Connection
Men, I know you want to FIX things, but did you know that listening to a woman is in itself fixing it. Not only does a woman want to feel like she's being heard, but she wants to know she's understood. I want to assist you with that.
A woman comes home after talking all day to co-workers, friends, and acquaintances at the bank, grocery store, and salon. She gets her communication and relationship needs fulfilled outside of the home, because she has learned over the years, in her marriage, her husband doesn't want to talk or listen much anymore. By blocking her out or not paying attention, men have nothing to offer her if they want something in return; sex. If you feel yourself distancing or avoiding her emotionally, she will avoid you physically. I'm not saying you must talk about topics you consider irrelevant like how she did her hair that day and other silly topics women talk about, but I'm suggesting engaging in meaningful talk that has both of you involved in a shared topic or interest. If you find her boring to talk to, she's probably feeling sexually bored with you.
You will learn the one thing a husband and wife have in common is while they both can get their needs met by others, they would rather get them met by each other. Men and women change through the course of marriage and the need to talk about what yours and her (new) favorites are still necessary. This ongoing "dating" type discussions are important to continue a healthy relationship with a woman. You engaged in this talk when you were dating and now because you have "caught" her doesn't mean it's unnecessary. You hear couples who split say things like "we just grew apart", "didn't really know him/her anymore". That's because relationships require ongoing talking so there isn't a big gap between the little moments in your partner's life.
Being honest: If you want sex without all the hassle of talking and communication, go be with another man. Otherwise pay attention here. Sorry about that, I had to get your attention. Even at work, your boss will tell you what he needs and when he simply expects you to do things that he didn't tell you about, then you get frustrated. For the best performance, a coach, captain, boss, co-worker, team player will communicate with you. It's no different in a relationship. Get her to talk about things and even sex.
Your "charm " has been reduced to, as a married female commenter in one of my other hubs put it, "lying around slumped over like a slug on the sofa". Well now that you put it that way- woo hoo, break out the body butter and let's go for a slide you slimy stud. Yeah right!
In marriage, the courting behavior is likely to discontinue. Less work equals less woo! Why is this such a mystery? Is your life exactly the same as it was before you were married? Not likely so why would everything else, including sex, be the same? There is a level of adapting to new demands, like kids and career, and accepting new or other aspects in your life will be replaced by or interspersed with others. When you have small kids or an illness, you can expect little to no sex for a period of time, but you are in this marriage thing for the long haul and nothing is always up, there are downs.
Myths
1. Your wife doesn't want, or isn't interested in, sex: Not true. Often times your wife wants sex as much as you do. She wants good sex, not sex that fulfills her expectations as a wife.
Some key factors to get her in the mood are doing something out of hers or your element, or something you two did when you originally dated may remind her of old sparks between you. She needs to somehow see you as she first did, maybe revealing something new about yourself to her.
Lighten her load. She could be exhausted at the end of the day. A woman doesn't feel beautiful when she is tired. At the end of the day is when we are thinking about everything- when do most couples expect or have time for sex? Yep, during the worst time; at night before bed.
2. Problems in the relationship began when sex stopped or slowed: Let me tell you a secret: The problem(s) started way before sex slowed or stopped. I want to add, in the nicest way possible, this is where men can be uninformed. They usually don't notice anything wrong until they are effected, like a 2x4 over the head, which is the lack of sex.
Lack of sex is symptom of an issue for her and it began months ago, perhaps years, before lack of sex began, then you may have to go back that far or take as long to resurrect your dead sex life.
3. Marriage kills sex life: Just the process of getting married did not eradicate sex. A relationship changes after marriage because more aspects added to the mix, like kids, career, extended family, etc.
Expectations Are The Problem
If you can recall when you were dating, there was likely equal talking and having sex or equal talking about sex and talking about the relationship- it was balanced and there was harmony. Now, every Monday, you are expected to take out the garbage, how fun is that? To view sex as an expectation, women are treating it as such- not much more fun than taking out the garbage.
Hard Reality: Not one relationship have I ever been in did the man discuss, prior to our commitment, how many times or how often he expected sex.
Ever since you were a little boy playing with G.I Joe and Cobra, well actually it was a little after that when you discovered sex, you dreamed about getting it (sex) regularly for the rest of your life. Marriage must then be the answer- being single didn't always have good odds, but certainly marriage would seal the deal.
Let me represent the married ladies. Ever since playing with Barbie and Ken, we imagined there was one guy for us. Barbie was undoubtedly meant for Ken and someone was meant for only us; our prince in a fairytale. Big wake up call for us too guys: #1 Prince Charming never farted and belched simultaneously, #2 Ken didn't have a penis.
Now men and women have something in common; unmet expectations.
This is one area in life you can't predict; expectations after marriage. You can't say for sure how your life will change after having kids. The first year after my daughter was born, I only wanted sleep and a shower, food was a luxury, and sex, it was rock bottom on my list of needs. Being honest, ever since then, I'll take sleep over sex any day. But my husband opted out of doing night duty with the baby so the consquences were unfavorable. This also proves women don't have sex unless other, even basic, needs are being met.
The worst thing to do is expect your spouse will change after marriage or expect they won't change- the two scenarios are the most unrealistic expectations that ruin marriages. People change, but we can't predict how or when.
If you DON'T want SEX
- Treat her like a kid; yelling at her, getting easily irritated by her, correcting her behaviors, telling her what she hasn't accomplished, telling her to shut-up or other childish phrases, and talking to her like a kid. Many mentally healthy women are not turned on by you acting like an overbearing father.
- Angry men are rampant in many relationships. Men accuse women of withholding sex on purpose, but when you are angry, you withhold your feelings and communication from her. We do this dance in a relationship and both partners must work to reverse this cycle. Just know that whatever you do or say to a woman, she remembers for a long time and effects/changes the relationship from that point forward.
- Women are currently running a household, a career, and all the duties in between. She is taking on manly traits and she needs a man to be the "rock" and ultimately depend on. Instead some men are intimidated by her new roles and enforce their manliness by becoming more aggressive or withdrawn- not very attractive.
- Spend your free time sitting in front of the TV or avoiding contact with your wife. Instead: Any time you have together, make at least the majority of it count. Couples spend less time together than ever and more time watching TV than ever- this isn't helpful for relationships.
- Act like you need to be taken care of like one of her other kids. Women are not turned on by a man that needs a mommy.
If you want SEX
I've referred to several points along the way, in order for you to increase the likelihood of reestablishing sex into your relationship. Here are some additional ones:
- The surroundings, the person, and the feelings toward that person all create a woman's sexual experience. Without recognizing all these aspects, you are basically treating a woman like another man.
- Periodically asking if she's OK or needs help or how her day was. Bring out her sensitive side.
- Men often don't exactly know how to give a woman an orgasm no matter how "experienced" he is. Many of those women faked it. Liste nto the woman. I know exactly how to please myself, but when telling a man they either got offended, claim they don't need to be told what to do, or they do it for a couple of minutes then revert back to their own method.
- Motivation for a woman to have sex: For her to relax.
- Letting her do other activities that help her feel good about herself is also important; such as taking a bath, seeing a romantic movie, exercising, whatever makes her feel more like attractive, getting her hair done.
- Having a baby is time when you must self-sacrifice and put your wife and the baby's needs before yours. How well you do this and communicate with your wife about her needs, is how much sex you get in the future. Many men complain the woman spends most of her efforts and affections on the kids, but if that was the dynamic from their birth, it will likely continue.
- Mental/emotional: I mentioned before women may harbor anger or resentment about something in the past that happened between you. It's necessary to get her over (or through) this. This takes being sensitive and listening for as long as it takes. Seeing a counselor together isn't a bad idea. Counseling helps you two disucss things rather than argue or yell or further her descent into avoiding sex with with you.
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Oh my goodness, I want to frame some of this! You have done a BRILLIANT job! When you got to the 'angry' men well what can I say - I just wanted to email it off to a couple of them. "Getting easily irritated by her, correcting her behaviors, telling her what she hasn't accomplished" is just so sexy and endearing - NOT! Wonderful, fabulous hub!
tatjana-mihaela~ Great to see you! Sp true men never grow up, but hopefully they see (even as children can) that you have to do something for something you want in return. If men want sex, they have to be responsible for their actions and realize some actions get you what you want and others don't. I heard a saying that men marry women expecting them to never change and women marry men expecting them to change a great deal. THanks for your comment.
SilverGenes~ It's nice to see you. I once saw a TV show about men who treat their women like chidren, including yelling at them, and the biggest result of that type of relationship is lack of sex. SORRY guys you do it to yourselves.
I laughed on some parts, but that's only because it is so true. Great hub. Most comprehensive one I've seen so far on this topic. Keep up the good work.
As the husband was quietly driving, the wife was complaining how the romance in their life was gone."Why, I remember the times when we use to snuggle up to each other even while you were driving" The husband replied "Darling, I haven't move from my position have I?"Not all men are neanderthal, some are sensitive too. And it takes two to tango ;)
Oh man. Present company excluded, this admission that Women know all about it and will tell a man about it but the man wont listen, is somewhat misguided. The thing is, women will tell a man all about every thing as though only she can possibly be right, and they a very nearly always wrong. Now if you want to put that more in context as it applies to this article, then you could say, yes, if you want more sex in your relationship you must do things her way, the way she wants things to be, regardless of your wishes, needs or desires as they aren't important, only how the woman wants things to be is important.
It always astounds me that women assume their way is the right way. Why? Maybe the way guys want it is the right way. Everything claimed by either sex as being a proper way of interacting is only an opinion, not a fact.
I think we can both agree that marriage is a two way street, and both partners need to make efforts to give the other what they want. If that's the woman wanting to discuss their sex life, or tell us in agonizing detail about every minutia of her day, and the guy doesn't want to talk all the time and wants to watch football on Saturdays, even though it drives her nuts, especially when he screams obscenities at the television, then both need to make an effort. He can be left alone and watch football sometimes, and other times he can turn off the TV and listen to what his partner has to discuss, and engage in conversation meaningfully.
What say you? Yay or nay?
Sient reed~ great story!
Well guys, I didn't say you were going to like hearing it. I've addressed this topic in prior hubs for both sexes in general and I received many more comments from men who were confused and concerned. OK give us ladies some credit that we might know what it would take to get in our pants. To say men don't want to listen to "every minutia" of the woman's day is silly because most of the time, you wouldn't listen to 5 minutes.Like I said, if the dialogue and discussions are too much, you may need another man.
Actually it's you guys who think you know everything. If I want a shelf put together or my computer fixed, I ask my husband because I know he is naturally better at that stuff than I. If a guy wants advice on how to get more sex from a woman, then he's best off getting that advice from a woman- yes, we own the rights on that one. I'm not saying we know everything, because I don't build my own shelves.I also know women make a lot of effort as in getting dolled up, making sure you and your kids are taken care of, reading the latest book or article on how to improve our relationships,and simply wanting the man to make an effort to help us get in the mood or relax or get some pleasure out of being with you. Rarely does a woman get things her way- trust me, I'm a doctor. No, not really just a mom who puts everyone's needs ahead of mine. Sue me for wanting anything in return. "Only how the woman wants things to be is important"- let me refer to my prior statement.
If the way guys want it is the right way then you wouldn't complain of lack of sex after marriage.If only you knew how often your ego keeps you from getting sex. You guys are so determined to not give a woman what she wants because it might do what? Reduce your manhood?
Well,Christoph, I now know where you live...a cave. You really think women get what we want all the time or think that's how it would be. If we just simply had sex when you wanted, then we would be satisfying your need and not ours, but you guys are perfectly ok with that and eventually that's why women say "enough" and demand our needs be met too.
As with any commentary that broadly takes the assumption that one side is all this and the other is all that, this is misleading. May be largely true in some cases but is a mile off base in another. It might have felt good as a personally oriented rant about the shortcomings of men and the esteemed qualities of woman, but it speaks only to others who have arrived at the same biased and polarized conclusions.
although there is a lot of misunderstanding about why or why not, I think it falls on both man and woman taking the time to figure it out. if you really think about it, a relationship in itself can be very selfish, the woman wants what she wants when she wants it and the same for the man. real loving relationships just do not work that way. compromises have to be made. I think it starts with thinking about what the other person may be feeling or needing and going from there. when a man or woman puts themselves on a throne above the other, there is nothing that can help that relationship until they're both on equal footing and have tossed aside their expectations.
I like your honesty with this hub. And although I think the things you have stated are true with most I would not agree that this is true with all. Communication goes both ways and if either party takes the "they know all approach" the sex is doomed from the start. There has to be a mutual agreement and understanding between both parties not an I know everything let me tell you how it works situation. Thanks for the hub!
FOR EVERYONE WHO MISSED THE FIRST PARAGRAPH!!!!Please re-read below.
"I've written a couple of other general hubs on this topic. I've addressed an ocean of comments about why sex decreases after marriage; most of them were men. Finally I want to discuss this in a brutally honest approach without the misconception of male bashing, but rather to help men understand. It seems, men are the most confused and invested when it comes to this topic. I realize there are two sides of every relationship issue. but I am assuming the man wants more sex in his marriage so let's talk to him."
First I metion I've written other hubs addresing BOTH sexes and FROM EXPERIENCE, I've noted MEN write in the most comments and WANT the most HELP. I note that I know BOTH SEXES each have a side and responsibility "I realize there are two sides to relationship issues"- it's right there plain English. I am basically expanding on the comments I've received in other hubs written for both sexes. I say I will be honest and that means you may not like it but you can stomp your feet and rebel or make change or at the very least understand something you didn't understand before.
This is not a philisophical hub, it is an action plan for men who are tired of waiting around to decide who should make change and just initiate.
In my second paragraph I'm being slightly sarcastic that a woman knows everything about her relationship- mostly because I say she will TELL you how to fix it, etc. Come on, we all know that isn't true for every issue, but if want more sex from her or give her an orgasm, she's the expert. The point is for guys to see from our perspective and know WHY sex is different after marriage. Many male commenters in my past experience were stumped. If you've read anything I've ever written you'd know I don't take sides, but writing for and about both sexes makes for really long general hubs, so I narrowed it down.
I KNOW RELATIONSHIP ISSUES INVOLVE BOTH SEXES, but I want to address the person that wants to change their situation. That is never both sexes at the same time. If you're not a married man wondering or wanting to learn about this topic, move onto the next hub- it's not for you and you won't understand. This is for a man who wants to make change not throw his hands up at the whole his fault or my fault. People get too caught up in "well it's both sexes fault or issue or involvement", "both sexes need to come together"- might as well wait for end of the earth. Are we debating whose fault it is, waiting to be on equal ground or go ahead and make change.
David Stone~ I took a lot of time thinking about writing this so it is definitely nto a rant- it was well thought out and from my own experience. My husband and I went through this, but now over this issue and I had to think back to what helped and why. We both were waiting for each other to solve things or make a move. One person begins to make an effort and the other everntualy takes notice and catches on and starts to make effort as well. Anything I've gone through or overcome, I only want to share with others who may benefit. It's not a topic of debate on whose fault it is or making general assumptions, it's serious stuff and for the man who wants inside a woman's mind to know why this happens so he can initiate change int he relationship- well good for him.
Triplet mom~ If I wrote for both sexes, whose fault it is, etc I'd be writing a book. I simply narrowed this topic down. Saying it goes both ways, doesn't solve anything. I think that's the major issue in most relationships.
The sexes are doomed IF they repeatedly say things like "it goes both ways" or "both sexes are responsible" or "equally both their issues". I come from the behavioral psychology mindset- if you want something, you make a plan and get it. You don't sit around discussing WHO should be making the effort or WHO caused the problem. No relationship will be balanced as in both people making the effort at the same time unless they are incredibly in sync. Sometimes the man puts in more effort and sometimes the woman.
Yes, a woman should know how to get more sex from her. The two of them don't come to an agreement about it. You want more sex from her, then you go to her about what that would take and if you don't take action, you sit around and discuss how both parties need to come to an agreement. Blah, I don't want agreement sex. Sounds boring!
Rebekah~ this is quite the oppostie of saying one person knows more than the other. It's acutally a combination of behavioral psychology and a business approach. When your computer crashes at work, you go to the expert- IT guy. When you aren;t getting sex from you wife, you go to her. I could easily write a hub about women who want more sex from their husbands, wouldn't you go to him? But I'm not tackling that issue here because I don't know inside a man's brain so I wouldn't be the go-to person on that. Relationships are partnerships, just like in business if you want action or info you go to who would know about that.
Well, you have said it all crystal clear. I doubt, though, if men will ever understand this. You know they always know better. I hope this hub of yours will enlighten all male readers. Well done, Izetti! You have a unique way to divulge relevant topics.
martie coetser~ well thanks for the positive feedback. Eventually this hub will make it to the guys who want to listen and understand. There were plenty of men commenting on my other hubs similar to this that genuinely wanted to understand this topic and their wife.
I thought this hub was very clear, and I really liked it. A women must be the one that has the answer on how to get more sex from here, and that problem is what this hub is about!
Very well writing Izettl!
I think some of the other (negative) commenters didn't read all of the hub because at the end you say how a man can get more sex is by setting the surroundings, listening to her needs, maybe giving her a massage, letting her get some rest, and creating a changed environment where sex is more likely to occur. Those really aren't unfair tasks.
I completely understand this hub was written specifically for a man who just wants to know what might give him the best results. Women read about how to please men all the time so why is it unfair to think a man could learn from a woman about how to please a woman.
I also agree nothing gets solved if you wait around for both partners to jump in with both feet. I've been in relationships where you wait around to be in sync for something to happen and all it is, is waiting. Men are action oriented and this hub is an action plan. men are problem solvers and this hub would help with that. We go to experts for everything else so why wouldn't we go to a woman, about a woman?
I changed the title of this hub because I think it was making some people defensive from the start and it was off-putting for men.
thougtforce~ nice to see you! I thought I made it clear but I found myself doing a lot of explaining to others. As long as someone gets this info that wants it or needs it then I've done my job.
Charm~ THanks so much for understanding the way this hub was intended
I said if you put it in the context of this hub, and that is all the guy is concerned about (getting more sex), then he should do what he has to do. But a relationship is far more complicated than that. There are inherent differences between men and women; always have been and always will be. My point was that a relationship is a two-way street. If I failed to state that clearly then it's my fault. I also criticized men in my comment.
Look, Izetti, you're my friend and I'm sorry if I have offended. I do not live in a cave, and in fact you would find me a most considerate and charming partner. I, for one, do not want sex all the time, so in a relationship sex isn't my number one priority. Perhaps I bristled at the notion that all men fit into one, sex starved category. When you get right down to it, I'm not disagreeing with you....just clarifying.
No need for apology, maybe I should just stick to the funny stuff. I'm getting my A** kicked on my last two hubs. Guess you don't mess with God and sex- lol.
Wow! You certainly jumped in with both feet! I support what you said. I learned a long time ago, the value of a good woman and how important it is to treat her as such. Intimacy is an important part of marriage. It is a subject that should be discussed in this type of forum. You were open and honest. I applaud you. I do alot of things for the love of my beautiful wife. I do them out of the love I have for her. It opens the door wide for the intimacy we all crave. From helping with all the household duties, kids, cleaning, fixing things, to always remembering to tell her how much she means to me. I haven't forgotten the importance of staying in shape so that she will like what she sees. In a relationship it is all about give and it shall be given unto you. We value each other above all others. You are very smart. You deserve the benifit of a doubt when people question your motives.
Fred Allen~ Yes, sometimes I tackle the tough ones. You know, your comment really has an even better message than my hub. You say you do general things for the overall good of your marriage and make effort for her love ,not necessarily sex. THat's the best way to approach this issue. I hinted to this in my hub that problems in the marriage were there before the lack of sex. It's really about dealing with and doing things for the good of the marriage, then everything else will fall in place. My motives were not misguided here, it was just a very specific, and meant to be one-sided to help specific people.
izetti - I think you covered a lot of bases on this Hub, and I have to agree with you. I did read the first paragraph! The guys must have wanted to "get to the good stuff"! We as women are not 'glory holes' sorry to put it so bluntly but if that's what they want, I'm sure there is a dirty book store nearby with one.
As with anything worthwhile in life, having a good relationship is going to take time and effort.
Great Topic! P.S. thanks for the link! I'm going to add yours to mine.
sweetsusieg~ Glad you got the first paragraph- I thought I was clear.
I had read other hubs on this topic and was not totally enthused, but I read yours after writing this and I really thought it was great. You mentioned so many questions a man should ask himself, instead of focusing only on lack of sex.
Mostly, I think we both covered this, is lack of sex can definitely occur if the woman is upset or mad about something in the past. Most guys have a "get over it" attitude and the insensitivity or lack of wanting to talk about it WILL lead to lack of sex.
Thanks so much for reading and being ok with me posting a link to your hub- I was really impressed with yours.
Wow simply amazing izetti. I had to scroll down so much to comment :-). This is a must read topic for men who are married or about to get married. I have bookmarked it and will sharing it with my friends. Cheers and keep up the good work.
Thanks jayb23~ I respect your writing because you tackle great and similar topics so thank you for your comment. I wanted to paint a very real picture for men, and even women, about sex after marriage.
Great writing and lots of strong points. I know the numerous roles women play surely leads to frequent borderline exhaustion..and that does a love life zero favors!
DK runner~ thanks for the supportive comment. Once we reach that point of exhaustion we can't take care of or satisfy anyone else's needs.
It's not at all about sex, it's about expectations and what led to lack of sex.
Ascribing to the idea that learning never occurs unless we listen to/ read about the viewpoints of others, thanks for the thought-provoking perspectives offered above. While the ideas largely fall into the 'common sense' category, they serve as a very helpful guide to possible approaches for simply reflecting love better to one's partner (rather than just desiring 'more sex'), and that is hard to argue against. Aside from that, your points are very cleverly presented through your writing.
THanks Keith! Common sense to some, not to others though, at least what I've witnessed in my other hubs comments sections. It's really just shifting one's mindset to always looking out for themself during the time when they are single to looking out for someone else and at times above yourself after you are married and have kids. Thanks for the comment.
nice hub! very informative
THanks so much Kamran100
sex can most assuredly become a bore
and overtime it ressemles a chore
so there you have it from one who knows
after twenty years of marriage it got up my nose
The Dill Will~ your rhyme was as entertaining as most married couple's sex life.
this is good. but the shoes on the other foot for me im afraid. im a woman trying to get her hubby to have more sex. 1/2 times a week isnt enough and its always me initiating.x hugs n kisses are also rare and i ask n take em, but this makes me feel im pestering. want him to do spontaiously. weve spoken. he says he loves me. only been married 4 months. sex was only more frequent wen i visited at weekends. im adventuerous, sexy ex dancer, i dress up. no boundries. candles. he knows all this n still he dosnt seem to mis it.help
jadonnelly~ the shoe can be on the other foot. The real issue is a lack of communication. Couples don't talk about their expectations on sex after marriage. Without effort, sex and intimacy will only decrease after marriage. Dating before marriage is all about the couple and intimacy. There is an old saying I like to use coined by tupac shakur, the rapper, in one of his songs- he states, "I don't want to think it's that easy". There still has to be a "chase" in marriage even though he's caught you by marrying you, if you lay it on too heavy, in other words leaving the cookies out of the cookie jar, it's not as tempting. Focus on non-sexual intimacy such as playing sports together or a hobby and of course it helps to know if he is stressed or under pressure. Men feel a lot of burden of responsibility when married. I find that when my husband and I do a puzzle together or an activity, he opens up and communicates more. Good luck on getting lucky!
This was a wonderful hub, full of good information and enlightening insights served with a healthy portion of humor.
Admittedly, sex drives vary, but even a woman who wants "it" a couple of times a day isn't going to couple with a man who has less personality than her vibrator.
Communication is key.
When couples go for a marriage license this hub should be given to the guy as an informational pamphlet. Before the ceremony he should be asked if he read and understands it...he should say "I Did" before he says "I Do"!
CP
CP~ I might have been a little blunt on this, but I've been down this road off and on. No matter what part of marriage we're talking about, it takes work, which is usually in the form of communication.
I still maintain that couples should talk about sex life preferences; once or 4 times a week or month, day night, etc. All things we don't talk about during dating because there usually isn't concern yet.
you can really write and catch readers' attention. :)
This is absolutely fantastic, izetti, one of the best hubs I've read ... ever! I especially enjoy your advice at the bottom where you point out that couple's counseling isn't a bad idea. I'm writing a hub right now akin to my hub on how to decide you're ready to have a baby, only for marriage instead and couple's counseling is high on my list, (premarital counseling,) as well. This is absolutely fabulous, keep up the fantastic work.
Thanks ingenira.
Nicole Winter~ My husband and I did pre-marital counseling and it was a great idea. This is his second marriage so I think it's also important for those who've already been married and are doing it again. I'll check out that hub of yours.
Brilliant well written hub izettl but to me it still all down to Sex and Making Love being the difference (sounds odd maybe) but Sex to me means quick fumble and self satisfaction, Making love is getting satisfaction from satisfying the partner as well as your self.. Communication is always where things brake down first i feel and both party's are to blame SAY THE HECK WHAT YOU LIKE DISLIKE it simples and improves everything in a relationship. If you cant be honest and open with your partner what the heck is the point of getting wed in the first place. A man as you say may take only a couple of minutes getting there but ask anyman and the truth is (unless they really young) if they honest it more satisfying taking time getting there and the final scene far more rewarding its the journey that makes asll the diffrence and the surroundings .... many married people actually restrict it to one room when they got a entire house and world to explore.
MrAhSea~ you definitely know what you're talking about because you make some great points. The say the heck what you dislike runs the risk of bruising a man's ego. I find that guys want to please their woman but also suffer from being told by the woman how to please her. It's a catch 22.
It should be more rewarding experience if a man takes his time. People with small children, like myself, know it's hard to take that time off, but it is required. Sex life often suffers with small kids around.
Thanks so much for reading and making thoughtful comments.
izettl~ I agree a mans ego can get bruised but in the long run is it not better to be honest and say for example "i don't like tinned spaghetti" than run off to the local pasta house and get it fresh else where.. Honesty and openness is part of being close and being in love. As long as the comment isn't something like looking pointing and laughing (I'm not going to say at what) i think a mans or lady's ego for that matter should take it unless they truly haven't a clue. Also if you reduce the things you not like then you increase the things the both of you mutually like don't you.
Yes i agree about people with small children having less time sadly but that's the time to make the most of the time that you manage to get together and soon they will be at school so then the time to faze surprises and lunch breaks in as well.
On the other hand in few years time you will look back and miss this time when your kids are young so enjoy them as much as you can now before they start spending your money and staying out late at nights making you worry..so its all swings and roundabouts.
Mr AhSea~ You make sound points but still have yet to meet a man who takes honesty in the bedroom wel. In fact I wrote a hub about young men versus older men and my analysis of my friend and I- she liked older and I liked younger. My reason for liking younger was because they are eager to learn things in the bedroom from an older woman whereas older men think they know what they are doing because they have more "experience" and they don't listen. It's a generalization maybe but I've never witnessed nor heard of anything otherwise so it hold true for me at least. Older men either don't listen or take offense when you are politely honest about what pleases you.
I really am enjoying this time with my 3 yr old daughter. The first two years were really hard and I wished them away, but I would like to freeze time.
Hanks for reading. This was a fun topic to write about.
Great theory... But are we taking about sex or making love here?
I obviously need to expound on my question above… Or maybe I’m not at the correct “hub”? My wife and I get along great, we make love often and both orgasm whenever we do “make love”.
From reading all the women’s responses here I have no doubt they’re scratching their heads saying “what’s the problem then?” I honestly chuckled at the volume of women’s responses as well, thinking… no kidding you like this article!
I think the title is all wrong. This is not a guide to sex at all, but rather a collection of basic ways to treat a woman in a relationship. Thing is, a guy can do all of these things and still remain in a sexual relationship state that is excruciatingly boring and unsatisfying to him.
You basically threw out a bunch of things any woman would love and then told the guys to realize that their “expectations” were screwed up: “Sex with someone you love and are married to is different and it may have to be a new way of thinking for men. The shared love, family, and life is what makes it deeper, even cosmic perhaps. Change your mindset about what makes sex "good".
I love my wife, and don’t want to be with anyone else for the rest of my life! I agree with the advice of waiting until marriage before ever having sex too. But I don’t think you have come anywhere close to providing expert advice for a guy on “A Man's Guide To Sex After Marriage” Unless that advice is “expect it to not be what you wanted it to be.”
I like watching TV and eating pizza. My wife thought watching TV and eating a pizza together was very romantic the first couple of times we did it. Her, not so much anymore… My wife laid before me on our wedding night while we made love, and we both thought it was great! Me not so much anymore… I don’t expect watching TV and eating a pizza together to cut it for a romantic date anymore. She still lays there, …and loves it in your “cosmic” way.
Back to my quetion... I have no doubt that my wife likes making "making love", but I'm convinced she's not the least bit interested in sex!
Tracy~ maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but you are saying sex and making love are different. You want sex I take it and your wife is not into it. But making love is OK for you both. So now that I think I understand you, I did explain that sex after marriage is different. That probably doesn't take an expert to notice that. Your expectations are that of the type of sex you had before you were married- right? Also you want the type of dates and excitement like you had before you were married. That was my point about if you have sex and lots of excitement before marriage, marriage will seem dull unless you take into consideration all the other aspects that make you and your wife close that you didn't have with all those "other" girls before her and change your interpretation of sex and making love.
I don't think you interpreted my article correctly. It is all about expectations. You were obviously expecting something different than what your sex life is now. What were you expecting from marriage sex life? Did you expect it to be the same or better once you were married? Did your wife have "sex" with you before marriage? Women and men have various expectations and those often need to be reset to enjoy sex in marriage again. This article is also intended for the men who have commented on my other related articles and are getting no sex at all from their wives so yes there is a lot of tips on satisfying a woman.
Maybe the best way to explain is to give the example of your palate. Say you just had a heart attack and doc says no more sweets, butter, processed, and yummy salty snacks. At first the healthier food is bland, but then you learn to love it and your palate changes so that you can taste everything a little better!
Thanks for your comment.
Wow, so I should view getting married similarly to a having a heart attack?
Tracy~ eating healthy food is not the end of the world, you feel better and are healthier so you can view marriage similarly. For guys, being married is better for your health anyway- just thought I'd mention that tidbit.
It's changing your view on being healthy as being boring or being married as the end of your sex life. Neither is true- you just have to change your perception, make some adjustments, and you can't be the same person after a heart attack or after getting married, but hopefully it makes you a better person. It's all about perception and guys perceive sex after marriage as boring comapred to before they got married- it's definitely different. First of all, you chose to be with the same person, made a committment and if there are kids involved, less sex and spontaneity as well.
I'll go back to my example of your definition of sex being skewed because of the sexual experiences you had before getting married. Everything, even married sex, you will compare to that level of excitement and it's a skewed view that you have to change. If you started out a millionaire and just lost money, instead of making it, as you grew older, everything would pale in comparison to what you started out with. Or you can look at having less money, but gaining more wisdom and love.
For some people getting married is like having a heart attack. You didn't realize the consequences of getting married and what it entails as a person who doesn't realize or ignores their actions that lead to a heart attack. You will be living differently than prior to both circumstances, but it's not a bad thing. You should have a level of intimacy with your wife that you didn't have in prior sexual relationships. We live in an instant gratification world and that's not healthy. We'd rather complain or leave than try to fix and work on the issue. Marriage is very much like a business too- if you want something, be prepared to negotiate and bring something to the table. The great part of a marriage is that you can work on things together with the other person so you should discuss this with your wife- she might feel the same as you. You said she doesn't consider pizza romantic anymore and you don't consider making love to be sex so maybe if you took some of the tips in the articel you can spark things, please her, and she will respond. Women respond to everything men do. She might be bored with your antics as you are bored of the sex life.
Do the same thing and you get the same thing. You're telling me you've tried all these things I posted on my hub? You think they're silly but if you don't try, you don't know. You can keep doing the same thing and get the same thing. The point is men become entitled in a marriage and believe they've won the girl so they no longer have to do anything extra, but that's wrong. Your mentality that my list is just a list of things that women like- yep, it is. Try it and if your woman gets things she likes, you may get things you like. It' called a reciprocal relationship. This hub is to remind men that just because you're married, you still have to put in some extra work if you want something different or better.
Think we need a better analogy. There is a wide variety of healthy foods.
So to better understand, I imagine you would say pizza and TV should be acceptable to my wife as our only form of romance.
What’s your definition of romance in marriage by the way?
I never called the list of things silly, I refered to them as basic as though they should be done as a minimum. I also said I don't expect pizza and TV to cut it, meaning we do new and different things.
Funny you refer to men's actions as "antics", yet continue to justfy women's actions or lack thereof.
Do you suggest in your man's guide that he should basically have no expectations of his wife in marriage.
Tracy~ Relationships go a bit deeper than pizza and tv- if you think that's even close to the root or has anything to do with your relationship then you' be mistaken. I never say people shouldn't have any expectations of their spouses (you should expect her to love you), but I suggest people ADJUST their expectations and anything they did not discuss or agree/disagree upon before marriage is subject to change after marriage. Things change for women after marriage too. One of the most common comments that I get from men is they suspect their wives want sex, just not with them. It's true, I've been there, thought that, but I have also realized I committed to one person so either I can ruin/leave my marriage or find a way to be happy with the one man I chose to marry.
Hot, single sex can get boring too- maybe you didnt care to have that extra intimacy but I think it's a bonus in marriage. I only suggest the man do some work to change things because he is the hunter and if he wants something, he needs to hunt/work for it. That may sound too traditional for you or sexist, as you are alluding to in your comments, but I never asked a guy for his phone number or for a date and don't believe that's up to a woman. Men have always been hunters and need to continue to be after marriage. Did you whine (I'm sure you won't like that word any more than you liked "antics"- just being playful with words, no harm intended) about having to pursue her or get her number or do some extra work to get her to date you and marry you? If you are lacking something from your wife then you are lacking in giving her something. I'm not justifying women's actions...
Don't worry, women do a lot of work too- why do you think the self-help industry is booming. Most of the books are geared toward women because we are always trying to work on our relationships. We talk about it with our friends, we read about it, etc. If a woman isn't trying to fix things then she has given up or is perfectly content with the way things are.
Most people don't discuss how many times a week they would like to have sex after marriage, they just expect it. Having no expectations as you said earlier helps but more practical is adjusting expectations and your perspective. Your perspective of "good" sex is based on all your sexual epxeriences before your wife- you think aynone could fulfill that expectation and measurement? Not probable so the only way to achieve that level of satisfactin you are seeking is to do what you did to get it- so be single again if you need variety and "sex". If you wated variety, what the heck did you get arried for. Sorry, but if you didn't read the brochure, then you can't really complain about the destination.
You still haven't answered some questions.
What were your expectations of sex after marriage?
My definition of romance would be something I'd discuss with my husband because it's diferent for everybody and likely what I find romantic is not what you or your wife would find romantic so who cares about my personal definition? I advocate communication among spouses so people know this about each other.
As a mother, I can tell you that my needs and wants have taken a back burner and likely my husband's as well so we've both had to adjust our expectations.
Don't worry nothing stays the same, even sex. It will get worse, better, or non-existent. Neither of you will be bored for long.
Let me refer back to one of my statements in the hub "The worst thing to do is expect your spouse WON'T change after marriage or expect they WILL change- the two scenarios are the most unrealistic expectations that ruin marriages."
If you expect to make a certain salary, don't you have to take the intiative. People who wait around for their boss to give them one or to land the perfect job, will have serious unmet epxectations. You can argue, she (your wife)should do the work, but do you think your boss sould do the work to get you a raise?
You are quite quick to jump to conclusions.
Let's try this... Understand that I am not the man in this relationship, but the woman writing about my husband. What shoud I do?
You have me confused with your premise/ recommendations. If I need to not expect any sort of a variety or participation on behalf of my spouse other than laying there during sex, but rather convince myself that what we have is "cosmic", what is the "hunter" or "work for a raise" talk all about? Sounds like there's nothing to work for. It's already a perfect sexualy "cosmic" relationship from her and your perspective.
Tracy, this quote came from you early in our discussion "Back to my quetion... I have no doubt that my wife likes making "making love", but I'm convinced she's not the least bit interested in sex!" And yet you've just now stated above to me "You are quite quick to jump to conclusions. Let's try this... Understand that I am not the man in this relationship, but the woman writing about my husband" so you can see "Tracy" I am not jumping to conclusions. If you didn't find the help or info you wanted here then why hang around? I'm not going to continue a discussion with someone who is neither the wife or husband because I'll be the first to admit, I'm now confused and not interested in this discussion if it's a way for you to feel self-importance by "fooling" someone- poorly I might add. Best of luck and thanks for your comments.
You also stated above, "My wife and I get along great, we make love often and both orgasm whenever we do “make love”. Sounds like he/she (whatever you're having sex with) is doing something right. You don;t need any help on this topic- thanks for stopping by though.
Can see how I confused you, sorry. I should have used the word "imagine" instead of "understand". Was trying to see if you had a different view on the situation if the shoe were on the other foot. No "fooling" intended.
...At least it gave you an out on responding to the second comment.
I'm not buying the "self help booming" example as women working on a relationship necessarily. For many perhaps, but it's no secret that most women like to engage thier brains on the concepts of relationships. I'd say that many do nothing as far as putting what they read into action but rather enjoy discussing them with girlfriends or rereading the parts they actually do as a means of validation. I'd even be willing to bet the ones who have stacks of these books still have significant relationship problems. I would imagine watching Oprah is another example of work from your perspective.
Tracy~ Yikes! I'm not an Oprah chick-mabye watched 2-4 epsisodes in my life. I've just got some psychology and realtionships education and counseling under my belt- that probably doesn't convince you I know anything about anything anyway, but education and experience is where I draw from.I am a woman married with children and I've been through everything I talk about. I know why I haven't been interested in sex and I know what works. You say women talking about their relationships is a bad thing, but that's how we learn as well.
I have another hub about self-help satire so I don't jump on that bandwagon either.
One notion I subscribe to is if you want something you have to do something to get it- you can't wait, hope, wish, or ponder it to come true. Also, you have to give a little if you want a little. This is my point with this hub. It is an extension to other hubs I have written similar topics in general. It seems your issue with this hub is that it's too specific- only for certain types of men and women, not applicable to everybody.
This hub is for men who want to have more sex, or any sex with their wives. I give reasons why women don't have sex and ways to get her interested again. Women read this because many have an interest in relationships.
Some self-help books talk the talk, but don't cut to the point. I gave specific actions to take and didn't spend most of the hub on reasons why, blah,blah, blah. Too many self-help books go through all the why's and never get to the point or how to take action. I'm not that way.
As for responding to the last half of your otehr comment, well I guess you don't get my analogies. You have to work for a raise and you have to work for better sex. It won't be the same but it also doesn't have to be bad. It's a combination of making an effort to change with yoru partner or get out of the boring sex marriage.
I think you're beating a dead horse here (another analogy, please don't make me explain that one too). If you don't anything form the advice here then move on. If you can't fix your issue here, or by yourself, it's possible something or someone else has the answers.
Fair enough. Definitely agree with the "beating a dead horse" comment, (of course I may not understand what that means :-) ). Anyway, off to work... Cheers!
Tracy~ sorry the article didn't resonate with you, but thanks for stopping by anyway. Have a good day!
Hi Izetti... thought I would drop by and see... some of this is quite good... and a very enjoyable read... I'm impressed...which means nothing really except your writing is refreshing... and your candid comments are fun...
Thanks for reading Jeanine! It's funny I get some negatives on both this hub and the other you commented on. I enjoy writing about and taking on the tough subjects and bringing some honesty to them. Most of it goes over very well with readers but some, are tricky subjects and that's when I try to understand another's viewpoint and my own, even better, or sometimes change my own- it depends, but I love to make myself and others think a bit.
Maybe this will help you understand where I'm comming from...
I just posted something that relates to the article you posted. I agree with what you're saying. I think there are main reasons why sex gets boring or inadequate. My hub here is a wealth of information for those who have kids because a big portion of responsibility goes to him to revive a woman out of motherhood. Women are always in mommy mode and it takes time by ourselves and time to relax to become a sexual woman again. As I mentioned above, abuse of any kind, mental or anger and yelling even detract from a woman's attraction to a man. It is known that for a woman to be sexual, it starts with our brains and emotions. We see a man do the saem thing over and over again or a woman dress in hr jogging pants over and over again and it's likely not going to spark things. I also mentioned going to do something different than the norm- this can make you see each other in a new light and have an opportunity for one another to admire each other from afar, as the article you sent suggested.
If you want more to add to the article you referred me to then visit the post above.
izettl,
I just read this hub and most of the comments. I believe you wrote the hub with the best of intentions and that you really want to help men understand their problems better. Nonetheless, I found it offensive and sexist.
The problem lies with the many unstated assumptions and your bias in favor of women. Your advice consists almost entirely of ways to give women what they want and tell them what they want to hear. You discourage men from focusing on their own needs because you (apparently) believe that problems with sex in marriage are the result of men failing to fulfill the needs and desires of women.
Well, what about all of the marriages that suffer because the wife expects her husband to create all of the romance? What about where a woman expects to be able to get everything she wants, fair or not, and tries to use sex as a motivator for her husband?
When the sex in a marriage is a problem, it's just as likely that the woman is neglecting the emotional needs of her man. You don't suggest that men advocate for what they want or need; you instead tell them how to best cater to the desires of their spouse.
I know you understand that marriage is a two-way street. What you don't seem to get is that romance is also a two-way street, and so is sex itself. It's reasonable to say that the sexual part of a marriage needs to be fair in and of itself. If a woman wants more hand-holding in public, for example, she has the responsibility to tell her man what she wants and make sure he understands. Withholding sex until he gets the hint--and gives her what she wants--is not OK.
If a woman treats her man badly, their sex life will suffer, just as much as if it was the other way around. In that case, telling the man to better understand HER needs is like saying to an abused woman "Just don't upset your husband, and he won't have any reason to hurt you." This is not some far-flung hypothetical issue; men and women live it every day.
It's not your motivations I find lacking; it's your education and understanding of the problems that arise between men and women.
Sterling Sage~ In tackling a subject like this, it will always be bias and I stated in my hub it was written for men who wanted sex in their relationship. I should have labeled it "part 2" because I wrote another hub before this that was more general and objective- this one was written for the many men who commented on the first hub. I had an overwhelming amount of men who wanted sex and weren't able to get it from their wife.
Here's the deal: and this is a generalization, but men usually want sex or more sex from their wife more than the woman needs it. It is known that men rely on the physical aspects of a relationship to feel loved while a woman relies on the emotional. A woman IS the key to a relationship's success- once she is done or has lost hope the relationship is doomed because many women work hard at maintain their relationships and soon give up and become numb- phsycially especially.
I see NOTHING wrong with suggesting to men how to treat a woman. You say "Your advice consists almost entirely of ways to give women what they want and tell them what they want to hear." Really? Giving women time to recoup from having a baby or time away from her kids to take care of herself or not yelling at her or taking the time to understand how she orgasms. This is all useful and practical advice for men. If women need to know how to take care of their men, they can read the plethora of self-help books all geared toward women improving their relationships as if it's all up to the women- talk about bias. SO I put some info out there for men to take care of their relationships and what to expect with sex in marriage and you think I am not being fair minded? Wow, wake up and smell the billion dollar industry of self-help books geared towards women helping their relationship with men. PLEASE name me one book that is geared toward men improving their relationship with the woman. You clearly suffer from the typical bias on women- it's up to us to do everything to make the relationship work. It takes two people, we can probably agree on that, but tell me, if one partner comes for help isn;t that a great start. Let's work with them and deal with it- if the man wants answers, I'm offering that. If a woman wants answers, like I said, she definitely isn;t short on resources out there. I am providing one side because it only takes one person to get the ball rolling an fix or figure out the issues. I'm not going to debate abll day if it's the man's probelm or woman's and who is responsible. It only takes one person to change things so if it's the man seeking advice or knowledge then here it is- take it or leave it. I've given advice to women about how to help their relationships but a lot of it is redundant- so many books and info on it already.
"My bias for women" well I am a woman and if a man wants to know what women want, I can answer that and believe I did a great job of doing so right here.
Yes, sometimes a wife does expect the man to create the romance because he did when they were dating so she figures why isn't he now? But he thinks he's already got her so he doesn't have to. Somebody has to make the effor and seems you are suggesting let's sit around and discuss which sex is more responsible. That gets nowhere, just like this conversation. If a woman uses sex as a motivator, it's not like a man has to engage in sex. He can say no and therefore sex wouldn;t be a motivator anymore.
From the start, I stated this was for men, about women. There is other advice for women, about men. I acknowledge I'm only portraying one viewpoint. That was my intention.
I wouldn't say I lack education and understanding problems. I've lived it and still do sometimes and I have education in couple therapy. On a personal note, I had a dramatic drop in sex drive after having a baby, why? Because I was not sleeping, eating, or getting any time away from my baby. I told my husband my needs and he didn;t get it until I put it into terms, you may not like, but if I don't get sleep and feel at least 10% normal, I can't fulfill anyone else's needs (my husband's need for sex). Men can't expect to understand that, they didn't have the baby so they do need help understanding a sex(women) that is much more in depth than them. I have been in abusive relationship and I know that what I wrote on my list of the "Don't do" is first hand experience.
Thanks for trying to understand this topic and adding to the discussion.
Sterling... is that working for you... I mean... do you treat your wife the you wrote your note... I hope not for her sake... obviously all of us get hurt... I'm 41 years in with my lover... and there are always things to improve upon... education is a fine thing... and I was very uneducated when I first married... yet through tenderly suggesting what my love needed... I have become what you would call... a much more informed romantic... I will always be indebted for the way I was taught... now I will bend over backwards..LOL.. no pun intended... to give what is needed... not because of the demands placed upon me... but because of the love and romance shown to me... life is simpler for me... I make more than my spouse.. do most of the nurturing... cleaning cooking... investing... yet am so in love... I gladly listen to my loves opinion and more than not... go in that direction... love is an amazing thing... it's grows... less or more... is up to you... hope you have an opportunity to lose yourself... I had to lose myself before I found... my love...
**FIGHT** ... No hang on a moment ..
Me a guy (just checking) yepo i am .. Ive read this Blog before and many others by izettl never seen any biase in any direction.
Weather you a Guy or a Gal the way i see it is stress out of bed being carried into the bedroom (or where ever you may use). Not being funny but comunication is by far the best way to aproach anything. Trying not to be crude but if a lady has to fake either a headache to escape or something else because the headache excuse didnt work and she had run out of excuse then theres one huge problem.
Tomany people get hung up on the not wanna talk about it to there partner aspect of Sex Love & Rock & Roll (but may tell others actually) when the truth is actually if either of you un forfilled there ... the relation ship is in deap dodo's and unless you say things like dont touch my "feet" for example (please change word as needed) or i love it when you play with my "hair"(dito) or hint at what you wanting needing .. you cause a inpass that cant be aproached and every night when you hit the hay invisible walls go up.
Yes there are times in a relationship outside things can effect this issue .. health , money troubles , Family issues ect for example all these if you can comunicate between you makes for good foundation for the relationship's future. Hiding one thing inside yourself starts a landslide 1 becomes 2 then 3,4 (ok you impressed i can count to 4) and so on untill comunication fails everywhere.
To love is to trust to trust is to rely on to rely on is to depend on and theres not one thing wrong with depending on your partner to be your Rock in this truly great world (humm ok last three words are a bit iffy) Lifes what you make of it and i assure you Loves a lot more fun than War
Great blogg izettl keep up good work
MrAhSea~ Oh gosh! I might have been a little harsh with Sterling, but I really try to be fair and if I'm taking a side I try to explain why and where I'm coming from. I just combine my life's observations with my education and honestly I've gotten far more from being a student of life, but peopel still judge based on education. My experiences don't always ring true for everyone but if it does for one person, that's why I'm here.
I put my heart and soul into many of my hubs and glad most people appreciate them, but some don't and that's OK.
I do appreciate your sense of humor on this. You are right about a lot- the part of communication people forget about is listening. They think they communicate and it's mostly yelling, arguing, etc and nobody's listening. The key, and you allude to this, is communicating when other things in life outside of the marriage are effecting the marriage is really important. So many people judge their sex life as a measuring device to how good their relationship is, but that's not accurate. If there's probelms in the bedroom ,they came from outside of the bedroom first.
Thanks for much for your contribution! Nice to hear from you again.
Jeanine~ good point to Sterling there. You approached it better than me. To get mad at any advice is silly because all advice is useful or not useful- take it or leave it. No need to criticize it because it may be good for someone else. To criticize advice is to say you already know it all already and if you treat relationships like that, you will be doing an injustice to yourself and the other person. Like you said, Jeanine, you've learned how to be an informed romantic and have obviously been open to learning, having been married for so long.
You do all those things because you are in love. I like that last line- losing yourself before you find love.
Thanks again Jeanine.
Hey, sexism is sexism.
I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable by pointing it out, though.
Hey, sexism is actually: "a term coined in the mid-20th century, the belief or attitude that one sex is inherently superior to, more competent than, or more valuable than the other. It primarily involves hatred."
Wow, I don't think you knew the definition of sexism at all. PLease state where I've spoke of hatred of the male sex or that women are superior to men. Women and men are are good at various and different things. Most experts will agree that women are more affluent in relationships. I simply write from a woman's point of view- don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.
For your further enjoyment and it might make you a little uncomfortable, check this out: http://hubpages.com/hub/Politically-Correct-or-Too
And also Sterling Sage~ "Everyone misunderstands herself and the world around her, to some degree." Got that quote from your profile and just wanted let you know it's a sexist remark saying that women misunderstand the world around them. Men do too. INteresting how you only used "herself" and "her". What about using "him/her"? Actually on many occasions in your hubs you generalize exlusively using the pronoun, "she". I may not be Freud but I think you've slipped.
Sterling... you are right... sexism is sexism... and an ass is an ass... but we do have the opportunity to change... maybe you have just had a bad run on your girlfriends or your wives... god knows if you were taught to love like you are communicating here... you are destined for heart ache... both men and women have a task... when it comes to understanding the other... we are all bound by the sex and gender we are born with... and as amazing as the insight that each of us are born with is... it falls short of really understanding what or how the other sex feels or how they see it... you can never understand how a woman feels... and she can never understand you... that's what makes us love one another... the mystic of the sexes is one of the finer things in life...now here's the kicker... do you want to know more interesting men and women... or less interesting men and women... very simple huh... I know myself... I'm not really interested in anyone who is being an ass... whether they are a ware of it or not... I've already got one of those and it's big enough as it is...
Well put Jeanine. Beyond sex here, the real issue for Sterling Sage is a general attitude behind this person. We all have past issues that have tainted how we see the world around us, which makes me wonder what happened to Sterling Sage- none of my business, but interesting to realize this came from somewhere other than out of left field.
another amazingly accurate and well written hub Izetti. i am losing count of how many nails you have hit on the head ;o)
wow...i've been reading the comments and am laughing at the men who are saying that a post by a woman who is letting men know what women want is way off base. ahhh the irony...
Zoe... try not to laugh... men are great for some things and they are evolving quite nicely... LOL...
SheZoe~ thanks for the comments. Your comments are so nice to me and welcomed on this hub where I came under fire from some commenters.
I had a guy friend say to me, 'what do women want?' and on many of my other hubs, men seemed disallusioned by how people change after marriage. Some men marry hoping the woman will never change and women hope the man will change. I jsut wanted to clarify things with some honesty. I would be just as open to a hub about men from a man. The irony is hard not to laugh at for sure about why I caught so much flack on this topic. Oh well..
Jeanine~ well, it is funny, but I hope you are quite right about men evolving. They come in just as many hues as women so it's hard not to appreciate them all the same. A lot of it is about establishing a partnership, and who is good at what to make the relationship function and flourish.
Excellent article which i really enjoyed coming across.You have rally said it all and i don't really have much to contribute.thanks for sharing.
Crystolite~ thanks for a nice comment. My comments on this hub have been 50/50. I've just been in this position and I wanted to relay to guys what works with us married girls. Thanks again for stopping by.
well obviously women are much better at doing everything than men... save one... and that's sticking their hands in things that we would never dream...lol... good for killing spiders and snakes... good for saying... um hum when you know they are not listening... fun to say stuff when they are not listen like.. "you are an ass"... and they say un hmm
Jeanine~ Funny comment- true on some stuff. I lived alone for a while before I met my husband so had to do a lot of the "dirty" work. We interchange on many stuff around the house- he does the dishes 99% of the time- he's great with doing chores around the house. Not so much at listening and compromisng and many details helpful for a relationship.
I am one of those folks that believe we are good at what we spend time on and practice, etc. If you are a guy who thinks about your relationships, then you will be fluent in that area, same with women. I think overall, girls think about relationships when they are young, they spend time cultivating them, dreaming about future relationships and grow into women who do the same. While, dare I say majority of men, have a conquering instinct and want to try new experiences, date women for physical reasons, and cultivate relationships mostly when it is beneficial and necessary to them.
"good for saying... um hum when you know they are not listening... " Great comment! Why do you think I'm here writing and communicating with others- about stuff my husband is spared from having to hear. lol.
Two minutes is the average for men?? Remind me to tell my husband just how much I appreciate him -- again. Granted, maybe that's another one of those benefits of having an older man that I need to add to my own hub, he's learned that drive-through sex just doesn't cut it. Great hub!
(Yep, he cooks and cleans too -- nothing quite so sexy as a man elbows-deep in dish water ;))
wychic~ count your lucky stars on some of those things your husband does. Thanks for stopping by!
i like the communication of all and it is very interesting to know about all thanks
hi..everybody..im a man ..married b4 2 years back..now hav a child..b4 mariage i ddnt sex vth anyone coz of d anxity of marg&after sex..but after mrg i understand dat my weaknes is sex not vth wife but vth oders..i get good sex only my honymoon time only..after dat i did sex most days but its only 4 wife satisfaction ..i get mood only somtimes..but till now i ddnt sex vth any oder ladys..but im too much thrilled abt it ..why it happans?i also asked abt lot of new couples(husbants) ..dey all told dat dey also same like dat..all needed change in sex..why?why people like dis?wat is d actul problum?any one solve d problum of mine..
venger~ sometimes we have to find new and exciting ways to be with our the ones we married. Also, sex doesn't need to be exciting every time. Everybody is attracted to other people besides their spouse, but the purpose of marriage is to have something with someone that you don't have wit others- intimacy that goes deeper than sex.
Marriage can be like someone telling you that you can't do something and it makes you want to do it more. being married can make you desire others more if you know you shouldn't act on it. A lot of it is in your mind because if you have sex with someone else other than your wife, that will get boring after a while too.
@izeti
one man sex desire fully satisfid vth one women?or wat about masterbution after marriage?any disadvantages?
venger~ ways to spice things up is masturbation, alone or with your spouse. Some people find masturbation offensive so maybe find out if your spouse is into it, if not do it by yourself. I think both is good and normal.
Yes... Masturbation is a wonderful thing... and very sexy if your partner is in... reading is very good also... not to affected by porn pictures but for some it works... the mind is the greatest sex... so talk to her and go places she likes...
So true!
masturbation vthout spouce is good?wats ur opinion about women masturbation ?absense of wife iam doing masturbation dats y i get sleep well but in my sleep i seing sex related dreams and i autamaticaly got masturbation again..why its happaning only for me?
Izettl:
It's been a while since I checked in, but I wanted to respond to your point about me using female pronouns in my own hubs, because you have badly misunderstood my meaning.
When I use the words "she" and "her" instead of "him" and "his," it is an attempt to break free from the notion that it is only men who matter in the world. I believe deeply in the equality of men and women, and I think our language reflects the pervasive sexism in our history.
Most English grammar and style authorities would say it's too confusing to alternate randomly between "he" and "she" in the same article, so it's best to choose one and stick to it--but only within that article. Aside from that, we writers are free to use whichever one we like. For too long, women have been marginalized in our, or at least my, society, and switching pronouns in this way is really an attempt I make to promote fairness and equality between the sexes.
This is the kind of education I earlier suggested you could use more of--do some research and you will see that what I do with pronouns is a strategy some feminists use to improve the standing of women in the a world where they are too often ignored.
Stereotypes subtly reinforce misconceptions about sex, race, age, or whatever groups of people they are applied to. Men and women both suffer when they are pigeonholed by society; My goal is not to elevate one above the other but to promote a deeper understanding of both.
Sterling Sage~ I get your point and that's interesting- never heard of that approach. If you have a point to make about the female sex then that's a great approach, but that's not my agenda. My profile pic is in the corner of all my hubs so it's pretty obvious I'm a woman and everything will b from that point of view. I write objective pieces but still it is from my point of view. If I read a religious piece from a religious person versus an athest, there will be obvious differences, but I take that perspective into consideration when digesting their info.
Here's my perspective. I am a woman but do not feel marginalized because I have a beautiful daughter that makes feel like the center of her world. Women are who they are, in spirit and otherwise, because of life not being "fair". We are strong yet sensitive- best of both worlds. I was once a career woman who had to work harder to get paid less than my male co-workers (that concerns me above pronouns).
When you speak, "as a society", you are referring to men who should take notice of women's rights. Women understand women's rights, but many men don't. Men will never understand women- we are meant to compliment each other. SOmetimes we can provide insight for each other as I was doing in this hub. You approach is to change pronouns and mine is to provide insight into a woman's viewpoint.
I appreciate you coming back and explaining because I think we both understand each other better.
womans always(daily) want sex but men have always problums so sex dnt bcome great..also before marriage men have huge expectations in sex but after mariage dey understood that sex is the part of life(like routine),,most of the man doing sex for deir wifes intrest ,now days wifes take first step for starting sex
Izettl,
You said, "You approach is to change pronouns and mine is to provide insight into a woman's viewpoint," which incorrectly implies that I do nothing more than to change a pronoun here or there. Don't you think that's kind of a low blow?
I haven't seen the need to list every action I have taken to promote equality for women, but I assure you I have taken many, including on the issue of equal pay for equal work. I advocate for the rights of women on a regular basis, and I do it well. The fact that I also advocate for men's rights should enhance my credibility on issues of women's rights, and vice-versa.
I'm truly glad that you don't feel marginalized; I understand that every person is unique, and the statistical inequalities between the sexes does not determine the status of any particular woman or man. Men are taller than women, for example, but there are still plenty of taller women and shorter men.
Finally, I encourage you to be respectful when someone says that she disagrees with you. Also, try to avoid straw-man (or straw-woman) arguments, ad-hominim arguments, and the like. It makes for a more useful and enjoyable dialog for everyone.
Sterling Sage~ didn't mean it as a low blow just meant to show we share the woman's viewpoint in different ways through our writing. I can't possibly know what you do in your life everyday- just talking about writing styles.
I now understand, through your comment, that you are very intelligent and I once got some great advice from an not-so-intelligent person. Try not to be too educated and intelligent in because you'll lose real perspective.
I think you've lost perspective and gone overboard on depersonalizing what it is to be a woman. You are well-versed in feminist speak, I'll give you that, but I find more inequalities among women to women than men to women. In my average day more women are rude to me than men.
When you speak down to someone using yor intelligence it just creates a disconnect. I'm afraid that's what you're doing here with me: "Avoid straw-man arguments". Regular people like myself don't know what straw-things are and can't relate. You've over educated yourself in feminism that you can't relate to the everyday feminine culture- you'e in a bubble. I am a strong woman, but not because I'm simply a woman. Every woman has their own voice and you are trying to squash mine because it does not appeal to you or follow feminist guidelines.
Actually there is a book out there you may like "Man Down" by Dan Abrams
Sterling Sage~ you would "encourage" me to be more respectful. I stated at the end of my last comment "I appreciate you coming back and explaining because I think we both understand each other better." That's disrespectful?
Sterling... blessed is the man who finds a real woman... for she helps him become... a real man...
Blessed is the woman with an open mind, for she will know a real man when she sees one.
Blessings to you both.
Sterling... if you really believe that... that sounds as if a man is a man is a man and the woman just has to get it together enough to see him... what a crock that is... that means you have no room for improvement... that my self centered friend will cause you trouble before your life is done... maybe not yet but remember, it will happen and I don't even have to wish you ill... you will find it on your own...
Jeanine~ I'm not sure what is up with our friend here, Sterling. I can't find rhyme or reason.
@izetti..why u remove my coment?each of ur answer is very help ful for me..atlist give an answer to my mail id..
venger~ I did not remove your comments. Coming back to this site, I saw that hubpages marked one of your comments as spam which I have re-approved. Depending on your quality of content and hubpages site will automatically delete it or spam it. Thanks for stopping by.
Absolutely copious. Izetti (I love the name) by all indications you are possessed of missionary zeal. Veritably persistent in your bid to reclaim your intransigence. Probably the best turn of events for you is to be taken to task by some of your respondents. As a student of Psych you most obviously should relish the contention that your material propagates. What I love about you is your vigor for positioning in argumentation. But at a polemic, strategically academic place of intellectual discourse you WILL have to tread carefully. Here is why: Human sexuality is one of the most complexified spheres of contention. The complexities are a function of mind, reason, emotion, ego-asymmetry, social construction, social psychology, power, politics, gender and drive...to mention just a few. You have tried fervently to defend your essential thesis, namely: that this piece was directed toward a select male readership. Because I am a fair, deep thinker, I just might gain distance, take pause. Here is what you ought to render as advise to your readers: that the functional complexity of relationships are absolved by one variable: to be the best human you can be before marriage. You will not learn it in marriage. Practically all your material is sourced from this point of reference...proceeding from it. On the point of holding off sex before marriage: you are obviously not serious. It is so absurd and merits no repetition. I respect you too much to slam you on that score. If you wish to counsel, you will need to re-frame your positioning on such nebulous ideas. I have so much to say to you. Not now. From this point henceforth, let your explications rest upon a more reasoned approach to this thing you so eminently love to do: to provoke and inform.
Godfrey Silas
Thank you for the comment. Yes, I agree about human sexuality- it is complex. I took some extra courses in this area while in college because I wanted to be a sex therapist, but it is a daunting task to take on.
I love what you said about being the best human you can be before marriage. No, I'm not serious about holding off on sex before marriage. That's just not realistic. However, one can hold off on not having so many experiences as to dull the senses and fully appreciate once they are with one person for life. It's just like children who get whatever they want without working for it- they get toys, etc. When they grow up, they have unrealistic expectations. There are consequences to sleeping around too much- whether they be immediate or later in time. You can't be resonable and expect that not every sinlge one of our actions has consequences, and this is no different. Adults can get spoiled and expect all the "toys" (gratification) they receive from numerous sex partners and their expectations of marriage will be slighted at best.
I take issue with not learning anything after marriage.... and there is one quality you may be over looking if one is able to wait... some ignorance is bliss when it comes to love... the expectations are always trumped if one is un-experienced in anything but adoration for each other... exploration of simple subjects do not seem so mundane if one is captured by the movement of the emotions we often call or heart... a connection at the hip so to speak... where emotional ties are forged without any effort, affecting both parties involved... the smallest things become paramount and things that would trouble both parties if they are single are taken in stride if one has a partner in crime...
Jeanine~ I also caught that part about not learning anything after marriage. I know I've learned so much so far. I think I actually grew up after getting married- lol. I do think it's good to get yourself together as much as possible before marriage, but the growing certainly doesn't stop there.
Also I should add...being the best person you can be before marriage, in my opinion, is showing some restraint to how many sex partners one chooses to have. If Godfrey Silas is saying you don't learn anything in marriage then that would mean people learn to be with one person before marriage and not many do, even as he stated himself. A bit of a contradiction.
I agree, the best person is the one you learn to be before and after... I grew up and fell in love and was the person I wanted to be... but learned so much since being married that I didn't have a clue about myself... my love taught me many things about the both of us... I had no idea my love was so unique... so good to me and caring in ways I never thought about... so I have continually learned from the one I love... to become one with the one, who has been the most beautiful one... to me... is still my quest... and I'm learning more each day...
I learned things from marriage that I couldn't have learned without being married. It depends on how one views marriage- as a life sentence or exploring new terrain. Not only do you have the other person to learn from but the realtionship is a totally separate entity in itself that can be learned from.
I learned everything about sex after I married,I was believe it or not a virgin. My love was so patient with me, tender and loving, careful not to hurt me... so as I learned I would do anything now, because of the care taken..when my children came along I loved them instantly, yet as they grew I tried to apply the love and patience that had been afforded me... maybe I'm a different case but I owe a great deal of who I am and hope to be to my love...
Godfry, I to love the idea of being the best human being before marriage, is that a guy thing, are men taught that as a practice, women are taught to be the best they can be any way so it's a mute point in some areas... when one stands at the alter, veiled in beauty as we marry, the bride is presenting all her purity, knowledge, as well as her intellectual innocence in her belief in love between two people as something that is doable or something one can accomplish... I for one was not under any impression that it was some magical moment that I was trying to capture, yet because I was willing to try, I have established a real love for being married... I actually have blossomed into more of who I always dreamed of being...
Another point you reminded me of J, is for a woman (if she is married when she has children) this also challenges her to be a better person, now a mother. Incredibly romantic your wife was your first. I have to give a big Awwwww for that! I'm always trying to improve on who I am- that didn't stop after marriage.
Izettl, in response to the contentious isolate around which the argumentation revolves namely: that being the best person you can be is a viable project to embark upon before marriage; and further: that the essential properties of interiority (temperamental potentialization or actualization) may not resolve itself in marriage...let me offer the following treatise. I shall attempt to offer some fodder for thought. I have sought to use different, more pointed terms here to refer to my original idea. As a bid to preempt and forestall imminent contradictions and misunderstanding of my proposition, I wish to declare that the Izeettl project was actually directed toward MEN not Women. I would expound upon the treatise by adding that behavioral psychology and personality studies have made modest inroads into the following existential question: DOES AN ADULT MAN CHANGE SIGNIFICANTLY AND INTRINSICALLY FROM HIS TEENAGE SELF? The answer to this question might be the ultimate resource for the Izettl project. I work mainly with women in my daily affairs. I have done so for most of my adult life. The lives of women is an open and quasi-shut case for me. I have done an exhaustive perusal on the existential evolution of the human WOMAN. The existential mystery for me is why women love men. And, why the psychological actualization of women has been stultified for this long. Even the very best among women have fallen prey to the trappings that are designed to chain them to the idiocy of masculinity. And so, herein lies the real genesis from whence ought to derive the incipient tenets that propel the Izettl project. The characterological evolution of males of the human species is inextricably bound to the intellectual and psychological/emotional freedom of women. I have been waiting for the concretization of this idea for as long as I can remember. Consider this: It is women who give men the opportunity to devolve. When women ascend the pyramid scale, men will have no choice but to follow. Nobody else will tell you this; I just did.
-Godfrey Silas
Godfry, you are right about the ascent,but may be a few centuries to late... women have most men doing most of the work, doing all of the worrying and providing and some of you even waiting for woman to ascend to her rightful place... lol... what if that place is just created by you guys... or what if we created it for you to tell us that's what you want for us... what if there is a higher plane that you guys have no ability to reach... should woman beat you up with your short comings... where did you learn about life first... I mean when you were innocent and loving of all things... more than likely it was from a woman... mmm did she teach you well enough for you think you no longer need her when you left to conquer the world... nice job huh.. you think... woman may see life as something completely different than you...and while you guys slept or were at war for so long... what if she passed you in human evolution, and found peace beyond your own comprehension... what if she loves you so much she is waiting on you to evolve... so superior that she would willing wait... I can see these thought would not fit into your dream for her... but it is a possible that she matured to the point, she would think men and their views were unacceptable... therefore if you were her, you would use man more like a pet... or a mule... to work, a friend to protect her, to comfort and to enjoy... Just a thought... but you are a thinker,I can tell you want to impress with how much you know... and I'm impressed, but can you get out of your training for a moment and look at a different set of values... if so, there maybe a completely different existence for you... if not, you can remain with the majority... of the mules... I mean men...lol... sorry Godfrey, you just looked to cute standing there for me to not take you down the path a ways...lol...
Godfrey~ You could eliminate about half your statement if you just cut through the superfluous and capacious use of redundant words.
SO you are saying men don't learn much after marriage. Whether you are male or female, people most often marry to work through unrealized junk they haven't worked through from childhood. If people resolved anything and became the best person they could become before marriage, there wouldn't be divorce. We often pick someone who resembles a parental figure early in our lives. There is no coincidence to why we pick who we pick. SOmething is unresolved to which maybe our partner can help us deal with it or fill the gap- it's the missing piece. Women usually are more aware of what exactly it is they need to work through- relationships come natural to us. THis is directed at men because this stuff doesn't come natural to men.For example, if I were to take on a project of putting together a stereo system, I would be relying on and thankful for some directions because I don't have a natural inclination toward putting things together. Some men need some tips and directions for women- that's my focus and goal here. I've had some schooling on this, but mostly took notes from real life experience.
What's interesting is that the basis of this article is suggestive that men have a lot to learn after marriage. How can one disagree. I've just listed numerous things above.Of course not all men will find it helpful because not all directions are easy to understand for everyone. Some people find direction with a map and others by sight and landmarks. Whose to say who my words will help, but even one person would meet my goal.
what Izettl said.... Godfrey, you are a smart guy, listen to the wisdom of this young woman... amazing to me... such a young woman to live within her self long enough to feel like an old spirit... most impressive to me... her very existence seems to answer your request... a woman stepping up to the plate... and oh in such a sweet commanding way... that way your wish I believe... loved reading both of you so much...
Thanks Jeanine! I'm not sure I deserve all that, but I just know that what was made to be complicated by Godfrey can be made simple.
Simply is good, and you deserve it, your writing motivates us to think and I love that...
awww thanks J
Like your hug it is great and gives some good advices too. thanks to tell these things.
thank you
Hi Izzeta,
I have read a couple of your articles now, and I will just say, it seems you are missing the mans point of view. Maybe because you are a woman? In my relationship I rub her feet, cook dinner, do laundry etc... I have tried to listen to her about her day, but it bores me. It bores me because when I talk about my day she seems to tune me out. Unfortunately I think we have our roles reversed. Currently she is very busy with work and school, and I understand that. She has supported me while I start and grow a medical device company around some products that I invented. I appreciate her hard work and dedication, and I used to show her daily with lightening the house workload, and being the traditional stay at home Mr. Mom. My point of view here is, I did all of that without a constant expectation of sex, but I think as a man I need sex to connect to my wife. We had a healthy sex life before marriage, and yes I realize things are different now due to work situations and other things, but should sex really decrease?
I get sex at least once a week, but I need it more than that. I need passion with it. I always make sure she has an orgasm, and she doesn't fake them. I know when they are faked (there are contractions involved with real orgasms). She tells me her friends are jealous about the attention I give her. She is extremely hard on herself about her appearance and often asks why i'm even with her. I am over it. I picked her because I love her, and I used to do everything I could to increase her self esteem, but she has wore me down to where I just don't care how she feels anymore. I don't want to hear about her day, frankly i'm not sure I want to be in the marriage anymore.
We had a great thing at first. I love my wife, and I have approached her trying to get better communication but she won't discuss the real issues we are having. She shuts down, gets quiet, goes to sleep, pouts, stupid crap. We were both married before and I can see why we BOTH ended up divorced. I am not perfect by any standards, although unfortunately I strive to reach as close as I can, while always falling short. My wife acts like a child. She leaves her trash laying around, used kleenex in the bed, dirty dishes wherever etc... I hate this.
At first I just let it slide, but after taking that in for so long I said something about it, and it made her worse. So now of course irrationally I nag about everything that she does that pisses me off. She has made comments about some behaviors she doesn't like about me so I worked at changing them, but when the shoes on the other foot, I become the over bearing father figure, or I hate her, or whatever women can think of to get a pitty party going.
I know if we are going to make it we will likely need therapy, but I really don't have faith that it will work. I'm starting to think fundamentally we are too different. Perhaps we should have dated longer than a year and a half before deciding to get married. Sorry for the rant, I realize it was a bit spotty, it's hard to get 3 years of marital "bliss" off ones chest in a forum like this. My main point though is, you write as if men are wrong and women are right. I don't believe that, I believe we are made different for a reason, and that should be acknowledged, and explained to a better degree. Just my two cents.
Nic~ thanks for being open about everything. I know men would say I miss the point and I think they miss the point- this is meant to written from a woman's point of view. Just like if I wanted to know what a man wanted I'd ask a man so if you want to know what women think about sex after marriage then this is your guide.
Therapy works wonders. Someone put it to me once as you get tune-ups and oil changes for your car, you get grades for school, reviews at work, but no one takes that time to evaluate their relationships so they get sour. I go to counseling periodically, even when things are going fine, with my husband and it keeps us on track and gives us a mediator to interpret each other on things. If she's not into it, then it's trouble. I hate to out it that way, but the woman is usually the last to give up in a relationship so if the woman doesn't want to improve things then it's an uphill battle for you.
I don't mean to write as if men are wrong, but they must understand what women think and I would listen to a man about what a man thinks. Nobody is right or wrong, just misunderstood and I think men believe nothing will change after they get married, but it does and that's why I wrote this. Best of luck...
Thank you so much im a newlywed and we are already having issues with sex.
He constantly wants the TV on everytime we have sex and it is a turn off. I have asked him everytime to turn it off when we have sex so I can focus on the moment but he wants it on for background noise. -which is really weird.
I would really like to just have sex with no noise just being quiet. He also says that sex is only on his terms and dosent want it when I do. How can I tell him that hes really upsetting me by putting me down like this?
I really like this article and its been kinda helpful, I think men shouldnt be putting a woman down when she wants something its not right.
Tatjana-Mihaela 20 months ago
Haha, I enjoyed every word, especially "Being honest: If you want sex without all the hassle of talking and communication, go be with another man." I told the same to my dearest one, many times. But after some time, my words finally started to find fertile groung...
When I was 16, one wise old lady told me that men always stay children and this hardly can be changed, if ever. They just refuse to grow up, and for woman becomes much easier if she accepts that as truth.
Well, that means that they can progress, but progress is usually very slow. We just do not need to give up.
Thank you for superb Hub.