Make-up Sex and Other Relationship Myths

Men are visual and lucky for women (sarcasm), their visual cues are constantly reaffirmed and enhanced by the wonderful world of 200+ channels on cable TV. At least 100 of these channels include a movie or sitcom at any given time, displaying the easy execution and sexiness of make-up sex. This simply is not reality.

How on God's green earth would make-up sex ever be in the best interest, or any interest, of a woman? If a woman is the source of the dispute in a relationship, the reality is she'll want to talk about things for a while or the opposite, and give the silent treatment. If the man is the source of the dispute, it would not be wise to reward him with make-up sex. Psychologically speaking, this would lead to him to pursue and cause more problems. After disputes are solved, it may be days, weeks before anything resembling make-up sex occurs. For men; if make-up sex occurs, you might want to consider yourself being manipulated. Just a thought.

Along with this myth is men yearn to feel needed and independent women can't give him that satisfaction. Independent women are no doubt, scary to some men, but mostly because of the stereotypes from decades before us when men and women had concrete roles. Today the roles of men and women are blurred. Men find themselves needed for relationship attributes, such as companionship and hands-on duty with raising a family. In fact, men are providing more care for the children in the home than years ago.

It really boils down to a woman's attitude about being independent. If a woman constantly recites a mantra of 'not needing a man' and acts as if everything in her life is already perfect, a man will run the opposite way. If a woman tells a man that if she desires children and will get them by donor if she doesn't have a man at the time, this is another cue a man deciphers as she doesn't need him. It's all in the attitude ladies. Be gracious about being independent.

I remember this quote from the movie 'Shall We Dance' when Susan Sarandon states her insight on marriage: "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it'."

Have you ever seen a woman pack and prepare for almost anything? She packs for a hail storm on a sunny day, a possible 9 hour airport lay-over, a chance of running into an old boyfriend from 20 years ago, getting stranded God knows where, and a first aid kit for anything ranging from hay fever to malaria.

Women don't like surprises. Our children give us enough unwelcome surprises. The last time I heard 'I have a surprise for you' was from my 3 year old who decided instead of displaying artwork on the refrigerator, she would make artwork right on the refrigerator.

Even if men make reservations and plan a special evening, it is in your best interest to let your woman know the details a few days in advance. It will give her time to think loving thoughts of you whenever she tells her friends about how you planned something. Woman like something to look foward to and also be able to plan for it.

Ten years ago you would have caught me walking around with my nose up in the air, far above many suitable dating candidates. Why? Because I didn't believe I had baggage. I was mutual friends with my ex-boyfriend, I had no kids, I had no past traumas or dramas so I was baggage-free, or as I would have said 'A good catch'. After all, baggage seems to be the measure of one's dating worth and I was traveling light. 

I recently found out from a relationship counselor friend of mine that EVERYONE has baggage. If we were a child, then we've got baggage. In fact, we could have had drama with our exes, but it wouldn't effect us in our current relationship as much as our childhood does. This counselor uses an exercise with couples. When one person in the relationship is utterly frustrated and mad, they do the following:

1. Ask the other person to listen while you pour your heart out about why you are upset and be sure to stick to the subject.
2. The other person asks if there is anything else you would like to add. If not, then they should paraphrase what you've said.
3. Next, the other person asks 'What does this remind you of?'
4. Keeping in mind of your childhood, recall a scenario or feeling you experienced in childhood that effects your thoughts and emotions in the current situation. There is always a connection between the two. Everyone has baggage- it's our early formed perceptions of the world around us.

I tried this one time with my husband and it really works. It makes each person listen to each other but it really made me realize how my perspective and things I am sensitive to are not from ex boyfriends, but from my childhood.

This is a quality over quantity issue. Knowing WHAT to communicate about is more important than having MORE communication. You can talk all day and it won't improve a relationship. If a man learns what to communicate about then he still wouldn't have to talk any more than usual.

First you need to communicate about WHAT to communicate. What is important for you to know? If you are parents, communication about the kids is necessary. If you are in an exclusive relationship, communication about friends- new and old is crucial, especially with social networking sites like Facebook- it's easy to let old flings creep into your life and not think it's important to mention those friends to your spouse or person you're dating. If it has the possibility of effecting you and the person you are with, then it's best to communicate it. Telling your spouse what you had for lunch is not important communication. If you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to find out what is important to your spouse and what to communicate about.

Since men and women are both waiting longer than ever to get married, I can't help but think part of this is due to waiting around for a soul mate. We have our own lives for so long that only magic and fireworks the stars above can capture us. The misinformed belief about soul mates is about someone who fits the bill in all areas, but most of all 'feels right' or 'you just know'. While this can seemingly exist, the problem with relying on feelings is they deceive us especially during romantic courtship in the beginning. Finding someone right for you takes the involvement of your brain.

Relationships are work...for everyone. If you are with the right person, you chose them based on more than souls, stars, and songs. A soul mate can also be described as a mirror image of who we are, meaning more than magic and pixie dust, but rather sharing similar interests, same values, and compatible disagreement styles and resolutions. These are the qualities that make relationships, and life, easier.

Oh wait! This one is true!