Crazy in the Family; Children of the Mentally Ill
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Just as there's a wide range of mental illnesses, there are as many children and adult children of a mentally ill parent who have suffered without a voice. It may come as a surprise that many mentally ill people have "normal" lives on the outside; children, jobs, and spouses. However, this comes with a serious cost; the family sacrifices their lives in order to make things easier on the one who is ill.
Like a dirty secret, our society does little to support or acknowledge the kids who grow up in such a home. In the family setting, mental illness is usually ignored or disguised because of embarrassment or fear the children could be taken from the home. In this case the sickness spreads throughout the home placing the heaviest burden on children, always
As a child in this environment, you are never as important as the mentally ill parent- the parent and "protection" of the parent comes first. Mental illnesses have a resounding component of selfishness. Children are born selfish and it's a natural survival trait so what happens when children lose that God-given right and privilege? Fear, guilt, and shame take over the children's thoughts. Fear of things getting worse or losing the parent's love, guilt over having natural selfish feelings and needs of ther own, and shame because your family is different.
As you might guess, it's difficult for the child, once grown, to blend in with the rest of society when they've spent their early years pretending abnormal was normal. They often struggle to find out what's normal because they didn't learn that from their parents. They have a hard time functioning beyond the control a parent may still have on them, even though they are adults. Mental illness is hard to make sense of and adult children are trying to make sense of their chldhood for many years.
The lack of support for people who have a mentally ill parent is astonishing. This isn't something you can discuss in an everyday setting with so much shame surrounding it still. Slim Pickings on who to go to for good help. From experience, I can tell you not many people want to hear my story or want to hear anything beyond the very basics. It makes them "uncomfortable" or they simply don't understand. I couldn't tell my story without being judged.
I have my own story that has led to struggling with what's normal and whom to talk to about what. I don't even remember how I knew not to discuss my dad's "problems" and "quirks" but I definitely knew not to. From my experience, a mentally ill parent can make a child feel as if they were the abnormal one, the one with problems, and the one who needed to change to maintain a balance.
"Never having a childhood", "playing happy family" "it's like a death of a parent, but with no closure", "things aren't always what they seem to be", "always having a secret" are all quotes from adult children who grew up with an ill parent. As an adult, it is still hard for me to see a situation for what it is. The appearance of normal raises a red flag because I don't believe in normal, nor trust it.
Imagine if your parent was a serial killer. This is the life that Melissa Moore grew up with. As a child she unknowingly listened to her dad tell "stories" of how he could kill someone. He was the Happy Face serial killer now serving his sentence in prison. Instinctively, as most children of the mentally ill, she felt ashamed enough to keep everything a secret until her own daughter questioned where her grandpa was, then she knew if she didn't face the truth, she would never recover. She wrote a book entitled, Her statement about the book is "I'm coming out to encourage other people they are not alone".
Melissa Moore's story
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Making Sense of Mental Illness
There's no coincidence that I chose Psychology as my major in college. There is also a reason why it came naturally for me and I graduated top of my class. I've spent half my life unraveling the oddities of my childhood.
Some of the issues posed to children of mentally ill are an increased likelihood of inheriting a mental disorder, they feel responsible for their parent at an early age, they are more likely to need therapy themselves, and have issues surrounding marital problems and addictions.
The first thing was my father's cross-dressing and gender issues. I thought every father dressed up like a woman from time to time because I saw it on a popular movie when I was a child; "Tootsie" where Dustin Hoffman dresses like a woman. The movie was fun and so was playing that 'game' with my dad. My dad eventually got a sex change as well. His transgender is not a mental illness- I don't want anyone to be confused about that. There is a name for it; Gender Identity Disorder, and even that does little to explain everything.
As I got older there were other symptoms, like being very antisocial, obsessed with shooting animals on our property- deciding which should live or die like it was a game, bargaining and charming people into doing him favors or tricking them somehow so he would always be the superior one, and demanding perfection from me and if I couldn't deliver then mental abuse was sure to ensue.Everything, especially people, are a game to him.
The root of my father's personality and gender disorders is narcissism. A term thrown around synonymously with selfishness too often. Narcissism is far more extreme. According to Wikipedia. "Narcissistic parents demand certain behavior from their children because they are seen as an extension of themselves and they need to be be properly represented". Even if that was the child's only task, it is far too much burden to carry.
Although I believe my dad to be high functioning in all his attributes, the difficulties associated with being an adult child of a mentally ill parent is they will always make YOU out to have the problem. It can drive a person nuts trying to reason with them. I finally get a handle on reality and it slips away, means nothing, in my father's presence. His words are never to be taken at face value, there is always a hidden agenda or insult. The best advice is to let it go and stop trying to fix a deteriorating situation. Mentally ill parents get worse with age and their disorders intensify so the letting go process is almost inevitable if you want a life of your own.
Processing Pain
No doubt you have experienced pain with a mentally ill or abusive parent. Whatever you have to do to establish a sense of self beyond their imprint on you, is necessary. Sometimes counseling helps because we can talk about these things that others won't understand or feel comfortable talking to us about. Other times, we have to cut ties for a period of time or indefinitely. We have been programmed to be self-sacrificing for our parent so guilt, along with the pain will be a major factor.
- Treat yourself kindly as you would an innocent child. You would not likely throw a child into the same situation you dealt with so why do it to yourself? Don't make yourself relive it by dwelling on it.
- If you get stuck in pain, then you become bitter, angry and hurt. Life always has pain in it and pain is meant for learning and even becoming better person for it. Look at pain as part of life and what you have to learn from it. Don't even get stuck in pain, keep moving on.
Suggested Reading
- Strained Family Relationships; When To Cut The Ties
Unfortunately many people have been faced with the excruciating decision of whether or not to continue a strained family relationship- it could be a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a son or a daughter.... - Anger Quieted
I should not be standing in front of you today as I vowed that I would not go to my father's funeral. After all the years of bitterness and estrangement that defined our relationship and so much still... - My Father, The Transsexual
My parents were married 18 years. Several of those years my mom was a diehard housewife to the core, even when it meant accepting my father's crossdressing. I was young enough to think it was just a game when my dad played dress-up...
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This is an incredible piece of work! Firstly, based on the personal experiences that you speak of, there are many parallels in our separate lives (yours and mine).
Secondly, the way you address both nature an nurture, and the fact that they are BOTH responsible for how we become who we are is priceless. Add to that, society's role in deepening this crisis for families, that makes this by far one of the best hubs I've read from anyone here.
tatjana- thanks for stopping by. You are so right about people being emotionally mature before having chlidren- my parents were in their 30's when i was born so age has nothing to do with it. Yes many mentally ill people are not the typical that we think of like bums or people talking to themselves, but rahter they live a normal life, for the most part, outside of the home and live their sickness inside the home. Thanks for words of encouragement. I think studying psychology was my best outlet- studying the abnormalties in people made me feel more normal.
joe~ Society's role is intersting because so many things have become more acceptable as we 've become a modern society but we haven't come very far in dealing with mental illness- it's still based around shame, secrets, and disguises. Like I said in the hub, society tends to forget about the children and people effected by a mentlly ill family member. THanks Joe for stopping by and for the compliment. It was one of those hubs I hung onto for a while without publishing, unsure if my rambling would make sense so Im glad you got something out of it.
Thanks izetti. well said. nice hub. will look for more hubs by you.
Hi, I totally understand about keeping secrets, for a long time, even now I find myself on guard all the time, It is even when i am in another town I feel that people know about my ex husband, I feel that a banner is above my head, and I also feel that people look at me and think of him. when i go away on holiday, I feel new. no secrets no lies and no embarrassment, I also studied psychology and passed my exams to be a councelor but feel that it is not the time at the moment. My son was lucky enough in one way that he was surrounded by hundreds of friends who just took it in their stride, and now he seems to be okay, but I still keep an eye on him all the time. your father sounds a little bit like my husband did, in the way that he always tries to be on top of a situation and is totally unsociable. we know live in the same house, for finance reasons, but he has taken over the upstairs and I have converted the downstairs to live in. nell
My mom suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) among other things, and has been emotionally abusive my entire life. I haven't heard of the book "My Parent's Keeper" before. I'll check that out!
Hi Estranged daughter~ I am sorry to hear about the abuse you've endured from your mother. I've had to cut ties with dad and talk to him minimally, twice a year. That's proabaly the best book of the ones I listed here, but there is another one that is really good in general about mental illness in everyday people and situations. It's called "People of the Lie" by Gregory Peck. Best of luck to you and I wish I could say something to help you more, but I'm still at a loss on how to deal with people who have NPD. It can be a roller coaster nightmare.
I met my boyfriend in college studying Early Childhood Ed/Elementary Ed. I had all the psychs, general, child, social, abnormal and was fastenated and deeply touched and frustrated with mental illness...specifically Narcissism sp? I mention this because my boyfriend back then in 1982, although I did not understand at the time, had all the signs of early mental disturbance. Had a 28 year reunion, and he was so unbelievably out of his mind to me when he caught me alone. He smiled and was kind when people were around, but he screamed at me and told me I manipulated him because I would not be intimate with him and betray my husband! Then, he completely ignored me and was bursting at the seems with anger that he began to show his true self to others that distrubed them. He has a wife and two young children. I thank my lucky stars that I did not marry him after 4 years of dating! My question: If we as a people are aware, have absolute knowledge that a parent is mentally ill and abusing children, don't we have/should we call child services to try to save these children? By the way: while dating, his father was a drunk, belittling, abusive father as I was involved first hand and it is going down generations!
blue~ I've been in a circumstance of having to call child protective services on a neighbor. There were a couple of instances where the father was negligent and rough with the kids, but I dismissed them, then I did call the cops finally. Couple mohts later the wife and kids moved out so I guess that's good.
What you should report is what happened between you two and how he yelled at you, then report he has 2 children and you know his history with abuse. I can't ignore my moral obligation, but I always try to do it in a way it won't threaten my or my family. Perhaps a police report about his incident with you, but be anonymous or child protection services will always take a call and investigate the best they can. If he and his wife deny anything then there is nothing they can do. Wife is probably afraid of him. Child service may talk to the children depending on age. And of course all this depends on what state you live in. Thanks for the comment.
Thank you for your insightful article....it can be so incredibly difficult to watch a loved one go through highs and lows, radical changes in personality, self-destructive behavior etc., yet still have to be the voice of reason, the "parent," the breadwinner, the mediator between the turmoil and chaos of the home and the outside world. So many family members in this situation go through their own depression and anxiety from dealing with all of it, but feel that they cannot ask for help because it is not their role to be the one in need. Glad to see people talking about this - easier when we know we're not alone:)
Anaya baker~ Families not only don't ask for help but are stuck in a worl with lies all around them they don't know if they actually need help. Often times, mental illness is made to feel like the norm within the family unit.
I wish there was more data on this topic to talk about mroe, but other than my experiences and a narrow amount of data on this topic, this really should be talked about more, especially with the rising amount of families with someone coming back from war. That experience can often cause mental issues like post traumatic stress disorder
Thanks for the comment Annaya.
This is an excellent Hub. There is a lot of information out there in scholarly journals and the like when Mental Illness was treated, when insurance and the government felt helping people with mental illness was better than locking them in prison. In the 1950's, 1960's and 1970's there was a lot done on depression and the family. All of that has been turned over to Pharmacies who do not profit by people being well. I know lots of people who would gladly take real help, there is just not any to be had
I agree with LillyGrillzit - excellent Hub on a topic most overlooked. Mentally ill individuals are so often the center of attention while their loved ones and family members bear the brunt of caring for them and dealing with the fallout. I will look for more of your Hubs, izetti - I hope you find some comfort in knowing that your sharing is helping many others!
Lillygrillzit~ I know of stats in my area that most of the people in prison are mentally ill. Most of the homeless people as well and of course there are the veterans. Some would benefit from medication and others natural things would do fine, but the issue is most aren't getting good counseling and/or diagnosis. I have a vet friend who saw a phychiatrist once, diagnosed with depression, and given 2 meds. There is a passing in the system- everything must be quicker is the theme. Same with kids who can't sit still- give them meds so the teacher doesn't have any problems. As you say "real help" I couldn' agree more with that.
Avamum~ THanks for your comment and support. I wish there were more awareness and solid solutions.
Very touched that there are others of us out here in the world... surviving. My Mom is... gosh it would take so long to explain it all. But I have finally cut ties - and I am sitting here feeling sad and guilty... like the bad daughter that couldn't save her once again. But I have a husband of 23 years and a beautiful daughter of my own, who is 3... I don't have one more second to spend on a woman who can never love me back. But it breaks my heart that I will never know the love of a Mom... but I know, for a fact, that my daughter will know this love... and that is my promise to myself for my life. Thanks for having this information out here -- it helped this sad lonely little girl.. now a woman.... feel not so alone tonight.
AmySurviving~ I'm glad to help you and for you to know many others go through this too. Cutting ties is healthy to set example for your daughter now. I'm in that position too and feel that my family now is what matters most. Mentally ill parents take up so much time and energy and it can be too overwhelming. As an adult, we are able to decide maturely what we need to do, but the decision of cutting ties always comes with guilt. Guilt is something ingrained in us to not think about ourselves because a parent is selfish. The guilt fades and the sadness is part of being human, but the pain of enduring an unhealthy relationship can do a lot damage. I hope this helps.
I thought I was the only one. I spend so many years being totally shattered by what happened in my life. My father has various personality disorders and although my mother knows what is wrong with him, she never told me for fear that I would look down on him or hate him. I now know after years, that she never told because she was scared that I'd throw this information to his face in an argument and cause him to "lose" it once more. I went through hell my entire life. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually harassed by this man, who was also a doctor and who only went to psychiatrists in order to get an "easy" fix. He would lie to most of them, and when they "cought on" with the lies he would stop therapy. What he wanted was to change the nasty way he felt quickly without really addressing his issues. He wanted to be more functional but he never wanted to relinguish his old self. He was looking for "easy rules" to follow and he obviously was against medication as it "made him weak and we would take advantage of him".
My father was very functional on the outside. He was quite successful and when he was "losing" it with people or got involved in arguments, he always had a brilliant excuse. He would manipulate others and come up with all sorts of "valid reasons" as to why he misbehaved. He pretended he loved us all, he kissed us affectionately in front of others, he would play open-minded and kind and then soon as the "strangers" would leave, he would kick me or punch me. As a result, we were kept away from people or the extended family. My father could only keep up appearances for a very short time and so he didnt want to be around people. So I had no support and nobody to turn to.
What is my biggest problem is alocating responsibility. I was abused and Im on therapy. I know the abuse happened. I know it is unfair and true. But to me sometimes it feels like he got away with it. Because he was so "mentally ill". Even though he did have SOME sense of what is socially acceptable and kept on pretending to be normal on the outside, he clearly did not believe that he respect, kindness and freedom was our rights. I suppose that is what a Narcissist is all about. The only change in his behavior I ever saw is when he realised that he got too old and too sick and that he run the risk of being abandoned by everybody around him. That is when he turned "pious" and "religious" and "kind". He is still abusive of course. Just covert-aggression and he really trully believes that we have "fallen" for the trick and that all is well!!! He simply does not believe that his tricks arent working.
I place most responsibility on my mother. She was a doctor herself. She had money. And at some point, irrespective of fear her maternal instict should have kicked in. But it didnt. In fact she also became an abuser to alleviate her desperation and later on indifferent not "meddling" with the abuse nor questioning my father in order not to set him off.
Now I am left to pick up the pieces. And boy is it hard work. It pains me to this day to realise that my parents were more concerned with their status, fame and what other people might say, than getting help and giving their children a decent future and life.
Thank You for this article. It is really a help to know that there are others out there like me. I have to cut ties with my mother. I don't want to be hurt anymore. This article gave me permissiion to do that. Thank You.
Darla~ so glad you found this useful. I have another article about cutting family ties and it garners 100's of comments from those in similar situations, but related to mental illness in the family- and I've come to realize there are many out there with these concerns. Even though it's emotional, it is logical to decide it's not worth the cost of being hurt anymore. I know exactly how you feel. Good luck and you're welcome.
tasha~ glad you found this site. It's too bad your mom never told you all about your dad's ills, it would have assisted you in understanding him better. But that's all part of walking on egg shells when someone in the family has an illness. It really does become all about them.
I agree it sounds like your dad did take the easy way out. My dad did as well. Manipulation is their self-defense and almost an instinct. They will throw you under the bus before admitting anything.
People with mental illness get away with a lot. Society decided long ago to treat them with compassion, but this let a lot of abusers get away with things and society not to really 'deal' with the issue. It's one thing to be compassionate and another to be apathetic.
You sound very grounded despite your situation, and intelligent about the whole situation. You're not buying into it and that's half the battle- people get sucked in so easily. You're heading in the right direction and it takes therapy. It's really about maintenance. You have to work at it like an achoholic every day or every month or whenever it gets uprooted and raw again. I'm writing something on forgiveness which is interesting because people don't liek ot do it for exactly what you are describing- letting him get away with it. But that's really not the case- get yourself healthy so you can deal with it. Forgiveness doesn't end what he did or excuse it, it's just part of the process that helps you get on with life and end the unhealthy connection between you, your mom and dad.Good luck, I hope you continue therapy and don't continue their legacy- be different than them.
Great to find this site! Never read anything that understands and explains my feelings towards my mother and my childhood. At 37 she still has very serious negative impact on my and my brother and sisters lives. Does anyone know of any organisations (in the UK) that offer support and advice to the children of mentally ill parents? All the information I can find is is for the patient themselves or for relatives/friends who care for them. I (we) have had to cut contact with our mother to attempt to get on with our own lives and none of the organisations I have found seem appropriate. Many thanks.
ItStillGoesOn~ thanks for stopping by. There are not a lot of support groups even here in the United States. That's what provoked me to write this because of such unawareness for the effects of mentally ill people. I really hope you are able to find something, perhaps start you own support group. This is a very common but often not addressed problem.
I am writing this , after my family accused me of stealing my nephews toy leappad . Simply because i had mentioned once that i think all this texting and ipad obsession is getting crazy. Mind you i am 29 and have my own buisness house and car. This is also my birthday weekend. I thought i was going to meet them for breakfest and because i was there the day previous they said it must have been me. My father said i should come clean before they make a police report. i really need a opinion because in my mind this is a horrifying situation. It is really maiking me take a pause because i have to be logical and make a decision, If they actually are beleiving this i probably need to take a long break from them. i keep saying i didnt touch his damn toy and they say its my fault and somethings up. I am not exaggerating even slightly
Dave~ if you didn't steal it, then not much more you can do than tell them you didn't. Kids can lose things and kids are more likely to lie than adults.
If your family is regularly like this and don't trust you then chances are there are some issues with them, which only you can decide if you can tolerate or not. Many people take breaks form their family. Talk to them and let them know your frustrations and ask them how they'd feel if they found out the leappad wasn't stolen by you. Is it worth it to accuse you?
Beautifully written with strong healthy advice about moving past the pain. I am sure, though , that the time frame is different for each person who has survived living with a family member who is mentally ill. I have just written a piece now that my parents have died and because of your article, I will publish it. I am so glad you have received so many positive responses from fellow hubbers. I wish you much success in your professional life. You have written a timeless piece. Thank you!
fetty~ thank you for your wonderful comment. I appreciate your honesty and will make my way over to your hub on your parents.
I have dealt with mentally ill parents, and extended family on one side, in what has been a very isolating, depressing path. It is so nice to see there are others who also have experience with severe mentally ill family, even if the form is much different. I have struggled w sex abuse and mental illness myself as well, and fund that even though there are times (more often than not) I have to distance myself from some family due to my inability to tolerate their illness, it is so helpful to remember that they learned it from their experiences and while I don't tolerate their negative behavior, I can still find reason to love them as people and find compassion for them-even if it is from a distance for now.
meg~ I know exactly where you're coming from on not excusing behavior but just loving and accpeting the person as a human being, out of compassion. The distance is so important or else I'd go crazy of I were around them often. Your comment and mentality is very mature and I'm sure you've worked hard to get to that point. THanks for stopping by.
It is honestly sad to say that articles like this are such a relief, but after processing, dealing with and letting go of the past, we are left with ourselves, having to relearn, form identities, and deal with the fact that it is not nearly over. this has been the most difficult part for me. i had spent the majority of my life being victimized in such a chaotic environment that it left very little time for self reflection. Once free from that environment, i began building new relationships and very quickly came to realize just how many important and meaningful life skills i did not posess. I also had an extremely altered perception of reality, love and truth. it has taken many years, coutless epiphanies, and much endured pain and anguish letting go of all of the broken peices of my foundation. it was very disheartening to realize that many difficult lessons learned seemed very simple and common sense in hind sight. It led me to feel unintelligent, and unworthy for a very long time, but i never gave up. the gift has been in seeing all of the beautiful growth and change that has come to pass and being excited for more. I wrote more that i expected to, but it is so inspiring to hear from people in these situations who have prevailed. thank you
Krista~ glad you found some relief in this article and the comments. Mental illness haunts many families and most don't acknowledge it or deal with it so it goes on to effect the family members and thats too bad. You certainly are not unintelligent or unworthy- when this happens to a family member, we, especially as kids,internalize it, thinking somehow it's us that has a problem. Good to know you've gotten past that.
Tatjana-Mihaela 24 months ago
So many parents (especially many men, but not only men) are just children who never wanted to grow up and never wanted to become really responsible. So they choose to forever stay - kids and often play roles of somebody else (your father changed the gender, my bf`s father became alcholic after getting children, my own father did not know what to do with children, etc)...So many parents are charmers among their friends and colleagues and terrorist inside their own homes. So many parents expect that their own childer act as parents, not vice versa. This is big tragedy of humanity, people should be emotionaly mature before having children (chronological age has obviously nothing to do with it), so suffering of this world would be much less.
Excellent Hub, Izzetl, there will come the day when your wounds will be healed.