Helplessness; Unlearning The Habit That Holds You Back
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"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." Aristotle
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks
into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."
Mark Twain
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein
Everyday Helplessness
Do you feel like you've lost control at work, home, kids, family, politics, health, finances? So who in the audience didn't raise their hands? OK, everybody can agree we've lost control in various aspects of our lives- hell, the government has lost control as well. The signs are obvious from house foreclosures to political unrest, and obesity.
Learned Helplessness (in theory): a condition of a human being or an animal in which it has learned to behave helplessly, even when the opportunity is restored for it to help itself by avoiding an unpleasant or harmful circumstance to which it has been subjected. Learned helplessness theory may result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation.
The most extensive research paper I did was on this topic. Why don't people take action to help themselves especially if getting help is perfectly within their reach and they have the knowledge to do something about it. People know large meals with poor nutrition isn't good for them, and worse, they'll feel awful after they consume it, so why do they do it anyway? Why remain helpless?
People don't change unless they are uncomfortable enough with their current situation that it is in fact easier to change than remain the same. Well, I aim to make people uncomfortable here, enough to bring awareness to you about how uncomfortable your life has become by just taking it, just settling.
The study that originated the Learned Helplessness theory in which dogs periodically received an electrical shock that they could do nothing to stop (yes, studies were brutal back then). When the dogs were placed in an area where they could easily escape the shock, they didn't even try.
Other studies similar to this are of babies and their mothers. When babies cry, they expect to be fulfilled by mom, or a caretaker, and when they're not, they begin to not cry as much, showing little affect as time goes on while not getting their needs met. They lose hope and become helpless. Some people wouldn't mind if their baby cried less, but they would be teaching their child to be helpless. The best way is to vary the time it takes to respond to your baby, this is realistic of the world they are growing up in- sometimes you get what you want and others times not, but at least they will keep on trying- that's a good thing.
Learned Helplessness has taught the scientific community a lot about depression, obesity, addictions, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder found largely in soldiers and abuse victims. It's currently being used for the training of law enforcement and military, effects of terrorist attacks, treatments for addictions and depression, aging and the elderly in nursing homes, abusive relationships, and child development.
"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in our own sunshine." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Victims of our past
We learned the helplessness habit a long time ago. One of the primary characteristics of learned helplessness is that the person feels passive with respect to "the system"; work, school economics, politics.
Whenever we are subjected to abuse, physical, emotional or spiritual, two patterns form inside us: the victim and the abuser. Many people view the world in these two perspectives only. When they abuse, they justify it with "it just happened" and when they are abused, they "don't know why they put up with it". Both are helpless positions.
What do you do? To change and unlearn a habit is basically like learning something new. You identify the necessary skills, practice, and practice some more until you've overcome and/or mastered it. I'll give you some specifics later...
"If you are attached to a position, you can't see things as they are." Manjushri
Jim "themanwithnopants" information
- TheManWithNoPants on HubPages
BEFORE I GET INTO THIS PROFILE, I WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHO... - Welcome to The Housefire Project
The Housefire Project is the home of a large group of citizens who are working to restore honesty and credibility to our nation.
Political party with no pants!
Let me be the first to admit defeat and apathy when it comes to recent political agendas. I'm fed up, but have no idea what to do- helplessness has sunk in. We often look at the big picture, impatient for immediate results, and it all seems overwhelming. We need to take a few steps back and realize what we can do- action is power.
My friend, Jim, and fellow hubber, known as "themanwithnopants" came to my mind as I was writing on this topic. He is someone who has every excuse (if you knew his past) to be helpless if he wanted to, but is far from it.
Jim started out writing about the indecencies and blatant corruption within the government. Now he is putting his words into action and recently started a group to be reckoned with, The Housefire Project. The great thing is it's a group for left or right, high or low, republican, independent, or democrat (please note: terrorists not welcome)- in other words, everybody's welcome. Those labels hold us back and enable us to stay helpless, but here's power in numbers and action and I have to commend my friend for doing this. I never pictured him as the type to sit on his butt, writing hubs about politics and simply hoping it would change- like many of us do. He's taking action as we all should, if not with him, then in some way of our own.
"If we believe that what we do is caused by forces outside of us, we are acting like dead machines, not living people. We must take responsibility for our actions." William Glasser
Climbing Helpless Hill
OK, so you're helpless, not a weakness, it's just a road block. There are ways to retrain yourself and get your life back.
- use your knowledge and past experiences to solve problems. By now you know what doesn't work, you've no doubt learned some things along the way, now use every bit of your knowledge to move forward.
- engage in life, participate more, get involved, rather than sit things out and be a spectator.
- Reflect on past successes and think of what you did to achieve them.
- We must really want to live our own life and not one prescribed by our family, society, culture, profession or tradition.
- Just like the quote in the beginning, start by changing your habits to fit your goals.
- Small steps and small successes lead to big things. Break down overwhelming tasks into smaller ones. People who write out steps to take for completing goals are more likely to follow through.
- if you think you might be depressed, then get a doctor's opinion- sometimes medication is necessary.
- Self-hypnosis CD's work great for treating specific areas you'd like to work on. Hypnosis works by putting a picture in our head of what we want, then living the life and behavior that gets us there.
- Ever heard of "Don't let life happen to you. You need to happen to life." Be purposeful when you do things. Question things around you, things people say, question my hub if you need to. Don't just accept everything that is handed to you because I've learned most of what people want to give you is their crap.
- Replace a negative outlook with a positive one. Some of the most accomplished figures in our history were those that failed a lot. The difference; they saw failure as nothing more than a learning opportunity.
- Recognize what you're good at, Make your strengths work for you.
- In every situation, find the things that you can control, even if it's only your attitude about something. I know some people "give it to God", but people must also realize "God helps those who help themselves" too.
Suggested Reading
- Depression? Not So Fast My Friend ...
I've got a daughter who gets depressed a lot it seems. Her friends are depressed too. They always seem to be depressed except when they're happy, with hardly nothing in between. It's bliss or bust. It's not... - Self-help Satire; How To Kick Your Own Ass
The fact that I have no qualifications makes me adequately qualified to write a self-help book titled "How To Kick Your Own Ass", because essentially that's what self-help is. You assume you need help and...
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Laura, this was an outstanding hub. I think a large number of Americans are experiencing this "Helpless Feeling" you describe so well. Our country is being destroyed right before our eyes, and as individuals we just don't know what to do about it. I have been on this planet for 73 years, and this is the worst shape I have ever seen us in. I have that "Helpless Feeling" myself.
Thank you for mentioning our mutual friend Jim in your hub. He is starting an organization where all us "Helpless Feeling" citizens can join forces and make a noise loud enough to be heard. This organization is called the Housefire Project, and I'm positive this will soon become a household word. And for all the lefties who may read this comment, the organization is totally non-partisan. The evil of corruption thrives equally well on both sides of the aisle, and parties will not even be mentioned so please spare me the corporation crap.
Sorry for the rant but if we as citizens don't do something to stop this destruction, we can only blame ourselves.
Thanks for yet another great hub.
moncrieff~ All it takes is recognition that ones everyday actions in the cycle are acting on behalf of helplessness- that it can be changed. The first step is only one tidbit of recognition. I hope to provide someone with that tidbit of recognition. Many people do not even know they are acting helpless, they've just been programmed so this is an awakening for them, should they seek it.
Those that truly can't help themselves are the ones I explained that may need medication- everybody else CAN indeed help themselves and if they don't it means they "won't" help themselves, not "can't".
THanks for the comment and vote up!
old poolman~ thanks for stopping by. I think a lot of peopel are feeling this way and I coulnd't think of a better example than Jim, you, and the Housefire Project. I get that feeling sometimes- i felt helpless when I lost my job due to the recession and with a new baby, but I've perservered and make an income through writing, somethign I hadn't done in a while, but what else did I have to lose. I had to move forward. So can others.
Another point I'd like to make, and you reminded me of this, is that all it takes is one aspect or success in your life to start building upon other areas of your life. You make a great point about helplessness and taking responsibility because we can only blame ourselves. We've all had tough times, why do some people come out better for it and others fall victim to it? That's the difference.
Well you do have very good points. You talked in terms that Ive never thought of.
Laura,
I don't know what to say. This is the nicest thing anyone's done for me on the Hub. Hell, it's one of the nicest anyone's done for me period. (laughing) Seriously, this more than a plug. I get those occasionally. This is a special gift from such a special friend, and I'll keep this with me always.
You are one tough, smart cookie, and I'm glad you're on my side. You too are a fighter and if anyone knew your story, they'd understand what couragous young lady you are.
Both you and your Hub are useful, awesome, and you sis .. ARE FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!!
moncrieff~ it's just perspective- we all feel helpless from time to time. When it effects most areas of our lives, then we get too overwhelmed and may not see a way out and I think that's what you were referring to. I've totally been there so I only speak from my epxeriences and I knwo there's a way out. THanks again for your comments!
themanwithnopants~ oh please! I'm not the type to throw a bone here and there, I'll throw you a freakin parade. Anyway, I wanted to write on this topic for a while, but got stuck until I thought of you and how you're taking action with your Housefire Project and how you made me take action during my worst times with arthritis.
THanks again!
Correction .. "Our" House Fire Project. I just started it. You're cool girl.
jim
Do you know which animal researchers were unable to prvoke this condition in? Rats. The found that rats struggled to overcome every stressful situation. Thank you for sharing.
This was an awesome hub. You certainly have a knack for tackling the most interesting topics. and you always do it so well. this gave me lots to think about. thanks for the read
Great hub, izettl, with many helpful suggestions. It seems, though, some who become apathetic and progress to hopelessness, opt for suicide rather than face the daunting challenges in change. Depression can become overwhelming where the energy it takes to pull yourself out of the pit of despair seems too difficult. How do you recognize and help those that just don't give a damn anymore to see the problem and get help?
We all feel helpless from time to time in different fields of our life. And the big problems; global, political and so on can really knock me flat if I think about them. But since I can’t change the world I recognize the problem and for my own sake simply look away from the things I have no power to do something about! Otherwise I would have to be a politician and I haven’t reached that line yet! To walk around and feel bad about it wouldn’t do anyone anything good! So, I try to change myself, my situations and my surroundings in small steps like your advices here. If it is tough and difficult I think to myself; Fake it until you make it!
After a couple of failures it mostly turns out well, maybe not the way I have planned, but well anyway! Thanks for a very good hub, I enjoy the read, you have given excellent advices to try when helplessness sneaks upon. And thanks for the suggested reading!
This is an excellent, well-written article on the subject of helplessness and why people fail to change, Laura, thank you for your insights.
The most significant statement, for me, was: "People don't change unless they are uncomfortable enough with their current situation ... it is easier to change than remain the same." Truer words were never written.
For years I worked with people in organizations that were going through extreme changes: layoffs, mergers, all the life-changing situations that can occur in business. Originally, the seminars were labeled "Change Management." Since no one (that I know) can "manage" change, I suggested we change the label to "Leading Change."
That was the first step in helping people understand change and the feelings of helplessness, and the positive steps they could take to make changes in their own lives.
Brava for this article.
Excellent hub. Thank you, there is a lot to be taken to heart here.
Excellent article. And it is so. One move toward overcoming that sense of helplessness is taking full responsibility for being in whatever predicament it is which perpetuates that feeling. So long as others or circumstances are blamed for it, those are in charge of it, not oneself - hence the continuing of that horrible feeling of having no choice. What it really is, is giving the choice to others. And the difficulty in taking it for oneself is that it does involve accepting responsibility.
I have been there, done that. Even though I still know "why" I accepted it for 18 years, it required realizing that I chose it, however unwisely and in the shadow of whatever pressures. I was not sold into it. I chose it. It was my responsibility for being in it - so I could also take the reins in overcoming its effects. Otherwise I would be doomed to be in that or other helpless positions. These were realizations I found within myself, by the way. They always are, even if one has help from others. And I do agree that when someone else believes in one, it helps to getting to the source within. But it has to be there that it happens. It is not easy - no magic bullet. Biting the bullet is more what it is.
People are all too quick to give up their destiny to others and to "outrageous fortune" but when examined, others can't make us weaken and circumstances are ever-present, some better or worse than others, but they cannot be given the reins. We may try to let them have them, but in the final analysis, they are and always will be - OURS. We are accountable. Helplessness may not be a single, simple choice but it is a result of our choices getting there and if we allow it to reign over us - that is an ongoing choice, consciously faced or not.
Excellent essay! This is so true. I believe that - to some degree - we all suffer from this syndrome, from time to time. I especially enjoyed the story about your friend, who founded the political movement.
A few years ago, now, there arose an issue, concerning my local community. Though I didn't organize it, I actively participated in a grass-roots popular movement to bring a resolution, that fit my ethics, to the issue. I emailed my state representative and my state senator, and, for the first time in my life, I publicly spoke to a group of elected figures (my city council). We were victorious.
I still feel a certain amount of self-satisfaction about having actively helped bring about that outcome.
Thank you for writing this. I always enjoy your hubs!:)
A.A Zavala~ Yes, I remember that now. Very interesting.
Shezoe~ what a nice comment and thank you so much.
Amy Becherer~ I absolutely believe chronically depressed people can't help themselves and need others to basically exist. THe key point here is really the other people around them. If people enable them to be helpless, they will. If people, often times this is family members, stopped and instead of creating an easy environment of being helpless, and instead suggested seeing a doctor to talk about things, then the ball can get rolling again. Some people need medication. For me personally, this took me telling my husband that I would have to leave if he didn't get gelp. This was tough for me to do, but enough for him to get the help he needed. Often times just phrasing it as 'would you do me a favor' or 'would you do something for me'. Depressed people are in their own world and whatever you can do to get them around other people or ask them to do stuff with you or even for you. Doing something for others can help them feel worthwhile. If you want more info:
Amy here is a link: http://hubpages.com/hub/Depression-Test
Thougtforce~ thanks for the comment. Taking personal responsibility is important, and sometimes all many of us can manage. It's kind of like; if you want to change the world, begin with yourself.
Drbj~ I always look forward to your comments. On this one inparticular- very clever with "leading change". This is an idea I hoped to grasp in this hub- instead of viewing ife as managing or copin, but rather "leading"- wonderful input. THanks again!
Joshua Kell~ thank you for the nice comment!
Nellieanna~ Well said. I can tell you've been down this road before. It's ongoing effort- because life and it's circumstances are always happening in and around us. Even if you don't have direct responsibility for somethingat's happened to you, you have to choose how you deal with it and your attitude toward it. THank you for sharing your wisdom here Nellie.
David 99999~ What a rush! You got a chance to make a difference beyond just within yourself. That's really cool and I have a lot of respect for people who stand up for their beliefs, thoughts, etc and act on it. Thank you for sharing your story and being yet another example of getting beyond helplessness. And you make a great point about helplessness comes and goes. I've had successes in the past that made me think I could do anything in the future, but now I realize life can still throw some curve balls and requires consistent resiliency.
Outstanding hub! My sisters and I decided the other day that we wanted to help our dad while he is out of town. We grew up in a home full of clutter and chaos. As adults, we have come to realize that no matter how we try to change certain areas of our life, a certain amount of clutter and chaos will always be around. We were determined to focus on a positive instead of a negative. Knowing our dad will probably have a stroke and cut us from his will, we decided it was time to un-clutter his life from the negative things that he is holding on too. (This is easier done when he isn't home.) He has horrible organization skills, so each of us set out to use our skills to organize his house better. He has always wanted to rip out the carpet and restore the hardwood floors underneath. That was our first task. Come to find out, the floors didn't need to be restored, just polished up. Next we set about creating work areas for him to work on his favorite hobbies. (He is one of those men that if it is out of sight, he forgets where he put it.) We created a shelving system with baskets so he could see where all his “stuff” was.
His main pet peeve with cleaning is when someone messes with his paperwork. (This is usually strung thru about three rooms or more.) One of my sisters was a business manager, so she took on this task to itemize and restore order to his desk. From one end of the house to the other, we tackled a room. Each day that have worked on it, we have been met with resistance from his siblings that once tried this. Our answer has stayed the same...we know how Dad thinks and what he likes.
This was a task that he didn't want to drop on just one person and he was too filled with pride to ask for help. He may be angry at first, but for us girls, we know that deep down he will be proud of what we accomplished, and content with a more peaceful environment than one filled with chaos. (We also made sure to tell the neighbor that when Dad arrived home, to give him fifteen minutes, then check to make sure he was still alive. He may think he was robbed!)
I have to agree with you...take charge of your life...it passes by too quickly. Terrific hub! I gave it a vote up.
Wow! Another great topic. I enjoy reading your hubs.
These are the very things I learned in therapy and while working my steps in OA. I took medicine for depression for years. Almost two years ago I was able to leave those meds behind. Thank you for helping people point the finger squarely at themselves.
If we do not take responsibility for ourselves, no one will. I am glad that someone else has discovered the phrase I have given to many of my friends. "Life does not happen to me. I happen to life!"
Thank you for not giving up when you could have. The world would be poorer for not having information like this to read.
Wow what a great hub and one I can relate to very well! Thanks for all the insights you have given!
W.B. Isley~ What an awesome comment. Thanks for reading and I am glad to supplement the wisdom you've learned in OA. It's really tough to get off depression meds and take control of your life again. I have to commend you for that. You're right, it's a lot about reponsibility and too often we let the cirsumstances take control. I've been there, and the effort and reponsibility is ongoing, not always easy.
Thanks again for reading.
I like this blog izetti; good work.
Helplessness seems to be an epidemic and yes, I do believe that it is learned. It's not easy to pull yourself out of the cycle but it can be done. Terrific article, very well thoughtout and well written. Voted up and awesome.
Thanks Rogochuks!
KoffeeGals~ thank you for stopping by- completely agree and hope that people can start to identify where they need to make the effort in their life.
Wonderful hub! When you remove the props, whoever or whatever they are, you have not choice but to stand on you own two feet. Like in the day when woman stayed at home. When their husband left they were lost, but learned to take care of themselves and families. They had to!
Helpful advice izettl. I am facing a need to take action before I lose my job due to massive downsizing in a weak economy. Part of the challenge is maintaining the mindset to take positive action in a stressful and depressing situation. There are things that are beyond our control, but it helps, both psychologically and materially, to make a definite plan about things we can do to influence our own situation and also to help others do the same. I help both myself and my co-workers by updating their resumes, making them look nice, and encouraging them in their job search.
Hi Izetti.... very nice... and I can use this... although there is always a place one can go and feel helpless in the mind... it is a very handy tool for thinking through character studies... in writing.. allowing one to explore...places you have never been except in your imagination...
Excellent tips for moving on and taking action. Thanks
THanks schoolmarm!
Jeanine~ I know just what you mean.
2besure~ women became very resourceful taking care of a family- boy have I been learning that the last 3 yrs since starting mine. THanks for the comment.
carolapple~ some things are out of our control and now you have control over your thoughts about those things and take action in ways to ease the stress. I lost my job in 2008 due to downsizing and I had just had a baby so I was on leave. It got me to learn how to budget strictly and begin writing like I'd always wanted to. Now I make part-time money writing and stay at home with my daughter- it has been better all the way around. Less money, but it turned out I didn't need as much as I thought. I know how job loss can effect people- I've seen it ruin people and I've seen people find better jobs or take up hobbies and get paid. Believe it or not there is an element of choice in your predicament. You get comfortable in a job for a while and it programs your brain to work in a very linear fashion so now you have to start thinking way outside the box. Resourcefulness and resiliency are the keys.
I absolutely love this hub... I need to make an appointment... an hour will be fine... lol... very very good baby girl... good writer... very smart...
Jeanine~ thanks so much. Ha, funny. I'm booked solid with my 3 yr old daughter.
Very interesting Hub. i think that soon or later all of us can feel helpless. And we must find the way to survive. Sometimes a crisis is an occasion to growing.
Voted Up.
fucsia~ helplessness occurs throughout ones life and no one is immune. Very wise words "Sometimes a crisis is an occasion to growing." I had someone say to me- too bad we can't grow without experienceing pain. So true. I always think of people who lose a leg or something of that nature and say that they are a better person now- amazing.
Thanks for the vote up and visiting my hub.
yeah I have my grandson tonight and he is three... and is amazing... he laughs and the world moves around through and in me... I really like him a lot... he says can't we just watch the bulldozers and movers a little longer... I said he want something to drink he said... a Dr paper...children... hope... living with us... amazing...
Jeanine~ Thanks for sharing, oh he sounds precious. You are so lucky to experience life in eyes. I am around my 3 yr old daughter so often that her world slips away from me as it becomes commonplace, but when i take the time to really be with her and in her world- it's magical and amazing, as youv'e explained.
Hi, the one point that stood out for me was remembering our past successes, I am terrible at this and tend to wallow in my own self defeat! but I have taken this on board and I am bookmarking it to give me a kick! great hub, thanks nell
Nell Rose~ Please remember your past successes! It's so helpful and like you said you forget to- so many people do and what a shame. You are a hubber I admire so you must be doing something right. And it's OK to wallow for a little bit but don't let it turn into a rut!
Okay, I'll try not to, lol
That's a girl Nell! I'm rooting for you. You're one of the first hubbers I began reading on here.
Awesome article! So true.
Thanks Curiad.
so uplifting. not so understanding of those who do not have the physical
or other inabilities to rise to your amazing advice. perhaps some assistance
in with the fact that they are fighters who want to stand up and change
terribly difficult things in their lives instigated behind their backs and
they have found out too late to do anything without help. however, the
help they thought they would be given when, inevitably they would need it
has been hijacked by a toxic narcissist. it is too late to read uplifting
advise when one has tried those. there might possibly be some advice or
information for these people who are not in a position to do it alone
it would be a blessedly helpful and live saving effort. sincerely, mahailia jane
mahalia Jane~ I have a diasability and have learned to go from very independant woman to very dependant on others. Years after having Rheumatoid Arthritis (lots of pain and disability) I am still able to be uplifted. But you can't expect to be uplifted overnight or with one article like this. It takes time. You have had time of telling yourself negative things so it takes time to hear uplifting things as well. I am writing an article soon about getting help from others. I will post it as a link at the end of this article. THanks for taking time to comment.
I suspect that many believe helplessness (also termed meekness or modesty) is a virtue and thus drum it into their children's heads.
Alan~ you could very well be right. People teach their kids that many things are out of their hands and play the blame game instead of taking control when and where they can in their life.
I have so many past successes its hard to keep count lol Good advice
THanks Steve...and here's to more success...for both of us!!
moncrieff Level 3 Commenter 14 months ago
The helpless cannot help themselves to become helpful. It's a vicious circle. They need an outside motivator or a situation when even a helpless starts acting. V otep up!